Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Staying behind the closed door

Sometimes I really think its easier to close my front door and stay firmly behind it. Not opening it to anyone, no answering texts, just basically isolating myself from everyone. Well we all know that is crazy and very unhealthy, but seriously sometimes it's just easier that way. It's hard to see parents with their children, its hard to try and act happy around people when really I'm not, and it takes a lot of effort sometimes to smile and be nice, its hard to listen to other people's problems when sometimes I'm just thinking they are very petty and they need to get a grip. (upon re reading this, my last few words about other people's problems is out of line, I do care about my friend's and family's problems, no matter how small, I was referring to non friends and family, just to clear that up). I have turned into a mad woman.On the outside to other people I must seem completely normal and really together, but in reality I'm really not. From the moment I wake my mind is consumed by baby making, treatment's, dates on a calendar, the cost of it all. Its a lot to cram into one brain!

A prime example of my over madness was today me and Gardner Guy got into a bit of a heated discussion with our neighbour (his tree had blow over our fence and was hanging down, stopping us from parking the car in the driveway, after 2 days of knocking on their door to speak to them, Gardener Guy took matters into his own hands and chopped the over hanging branch), anyhow the neighbour got mad and accused us of going on his property (which we didn't) anyhow to cut the story short, My Gardner guy was pretty calm and sorted it (only one sware word from him), but of course me, well I got all mad. I just have no patience anymore and am generally pissed of with everyone for no reason! So you see I should have just stayed behind the closed door.

When I have been feeling at my worse, for example - when I had my failed IUI's and was crying and unhappy I wouldn't answer the phone when a couple of my friend's rang, I wouldn't let a friend of mine come to see me after my last failed IUI, I always waited till I was better, then spoke and saw them, perhaps I need to allow myself to be miserable around them and know I don't need to put on a brave face all the time.  Perhaps I need to open up that door a little more often, even when I want to stay behind it, that may just be the key to helping myself.
Posted by clewis at 3:52 PM

12 comments:

  1. cdgJanuary 4, 2011 at 4:12 PM

    This is the hard part, deciding how much or how little to let other people in. I certainly go through phases with it. I say, start peeking out. If it doesn't go so well you can always run back inside.
    thinking of you...

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  2. clewisJanuary 4, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    haha.I like that. a little peek.....

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  3. AntsJanuary 4, 2011 at 4:54 PM

    It is quite hard to let people in when they want to help- I think it's a self preservation thing with infertility,for me it's so I don't have to deal with the pity, or the sometimes well-meaning but insensitive comments that come with it.
    But I like what cgd has said too about a little peek, and sometimes I have found the greatest support in the most unlikely of friends!

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  4. AnonymousJanuary 4, 2011 at 5:40 PM

    We can't expect fertiles to understand if we don't let them have a peek of our life. I suggest a screen door so they can see but only allowed in if we unlock the door..

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  5. EatlovehopeJanuary 4, 2011 at 10:56 PM

    I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it just easier not to put ourselves out there, I do it to protect myself and it allows me to get a grip on my own emotions before I deal with others ....Then sometimes I think am I going to wake up in 10 years time & regret isolating my friends/family. It's such a hard call...I have learnt to trust a small few & they have seen my warts & all and that has helped.

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  6. E and RJanuary 5, 2011 at 5:04 AM

    First, thank you for the kind words on my blog.
    I completely understand where you are coming from - I too am angry and it is exhausting trying to put on the act that everything is fine when it clearly is not. My brain is also on overdrive thinking about all of the options (or lack of), money, treatments, etc, etc, etc. I am tired. and I am sad and mad and everything else. It would be nice to close the door and just become a hermit!

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  7. marilynJanuary 5, 2011 at 7:28 AM

    What you are going through and how you are acting is completely expected and okay.I went through it, going though it..and I have read so many blogs and talked to a few friends that acted the same way. This is a very scary unknown territory and we are going to be pricked and prodded and things are going to change. But with that said..I am going to tell you what my friend told me...keep my mind set on the bigger picture...

    YOUR BABY!!!

    I hope you can absorb that a little. I know I was not able to for a long time...I am not sure I am able to completely. But I know..that is the bigger picture!! as for letting in friends...I have one friend..I trust and I tell her everything..I am sure your friends want to be there for you.

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  8. ManniJanuary 5, 2011 at 7:58 AM

    Part 2:
    I have one non-IF friend who is open to feedback when she says things that are unintentionally hurtful. For example, “it’ll all work out. I just know one day you’ll get pregnant” as things like that make me mad bc 1. Comments like that minimize my current feelings & 2. I may not ever get preg & sometimes I feel like I need to come to terms w/ that as a possible outcome. But I’ve found if I tell her when things she says are not helpful & why, she’s very receptive to that feedback as she wants to be there to help me during this difficult time. So I agree you should take a peak & find out who out there can be there for you in the ways you want/need right now. & that you be honest w/ them about what you need if you think they’ll be open to that feedback. & let your friends take care of you as I’m sure they want to.

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  9. ManniJanuary 5, 2011 at 7:59 AM

    Part 3:
    Also I think it’s ok if during this difficult time you minimize your time w/ both people who are not understanding of what a difficult time you’re going through as well as those w/ kids during times when you’re esp. emotionally vulnerable & can’t handle it at that moment. I don’t think that’s being rude. I think it’s you recognizing there are some things you can’t deal w/ right now during this incredibly stressful time & that you need to take care of yourself & not try to do everything right now. I’ve heard it suggested that one of the best things we can do for ourselves is to surround ourselves w/ people who support us on our fertility journey & to minimize contact w/ those that don’t.

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  10. AlexJanuary 5, 2011 at 9:20 AM

    I've been very pleasantly surprised that some of the people that I've allowed a peek of some of my misery have been very receptive. It's been quite amazing, really! Allow people in, and although there are some bad apples, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised too...

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  11. ChonJanuary 5, 2011 at 12:30 PM

    Sometimes I let people in but othertimes I find it easier to keep it within. There are those that you know will be there but I find it hard to talk to people when they get that glazed look or perhaps think god this is all she talks about. That is why I like blogging as you guys will always listen! With the lack of empathy - I hear you and understand. All problems are important to those that have them but not being able to have children is so painful you just want to say them I will take your bad hair day any day of the week!!!

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  12. clewisJanuary 5, 2011 at 2:18 PM

    I do have plenty of great support from friends and family. that isn't the problem. More me that's the problem, trying to behave like im ok.

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