A is for Angry, B is for Bitchy, C is Crying, E is for Eager. Need I go on?

Angry..... Yes I am. I'm feeling very angry today. Ive been reading a book called "the stork club". It's really good and amusing about one woman's hellish road through IVF. I became angry reading this, angry that I'm going to have to take drugs to shove me into what is basically menopause, then drugs to shoot me right back up and produce mega amounts of eggs, I'm angry that I have to inject myself and angry that i may have to shove progesterone pessaries inside me, angry that I'm going to have to have more time off work to recover, angry that I'm going to be living a life basically of a monk,  I'm angry that I have to do this and other people don't have too.


Bitchy, Yes I am. Bitchy to my husband, and bitchy about stupid day to day things.bitchy about watching other people's happiness on tv. I'm so bitchy I need to stop here, before I say something far to bitchy.


Crying, Yes I do. I haven't cried actually since the 24th December, so am doing pretty well, I'm inclined to think I'm all dried up. Ive used all the tears one person get's given in a life time.


and Eager, Yes I am. I've always been eager to start thing's and get a move on, no matter how scary and horrible. I'm over eager, I go into doctors appt's like some kind of desperate spotty teenager trying get a date, I'm pushy, I'm so eager it is desperate. If the laboratory was open, il'd probably sneek in there and try to perform the surgery myself.


 I'm not even on any drugs at the moment and I'm still weird, I hate to think what things I'm going to write when I get back on drugs. watch out it will be scary.


On a lighter note, a passage in the book that i really liked and thought was quite funny is as follows: " I cant believe our bad luck. We are a quite unremarkable couple, trying to do a rather normal thing - why are we so goddam special when it comes to babies? What are we trying to breed here, some bloody rare bird?


I really like that, You would think I was trying to produce something difficult and rare, it's a baby for god sake, nothing rare, you could say they are as common as muck. It's not rocket science..... Hold on, for me and many ladies it is!


I just really wish, A could be for Amazing, B could be for Bright, C could be for Carefree and E could be for Elle Macpherson.....Hmmm, the first 3 will come back to me, but sadly the 4th one is really not going to be me. 

Big Fat Infertile Woman

So, Not only do fertility drugs make you feel moody, bloated, dizzy, headaches, sickly, hot flushes, emotional, but also you gain weight!

This became all to apparent at a wedding we went to yesterday. I knew i had gained 2 kilo's, which doesn't sound like much, but it kinda will start to add up, if I then gain more during IVF. At this wedding we got a couple of pictures,and I just looked yuck. I may be acting stupid and saying this sounds very vein and superficial, but after all the other terrible side effects and how you feel inside it would be nice just to still look good from the outside.I do know this is really the last thing I should be worried about, and I'm kind of contradicting myself here, I do care but at the same time I don't care, if that makes sense. We all want to still look good right? even if we feel crap, looking good would be nice.

Oh well, what can you do......Its all part of it, and one day when we are happy and have lot's of children running around, this will all just be a distant memory, and running around after all the children we are going to have is a good way to lose those kilo's!
  

Slow and Steady wins the race. One day.

I feel like I'm in a running race and I'm trying so hard to win, I'm running like the wind, I'm pushing my body to the limits, I'm jumping over all the hurdles, yet some how I'm coming last, I see everyone else run by at a relaxed pace, barely trying, they glide past me with ease, and cross the finishing line and I don't.

I wasn't going to post today, as really didn't have anything to say. I had a nice day, Got a nice phone call from a family member offering me some really great support and just letting me know she's around whenever I need her. that left me feeling so good, But then in an instance I go from feeling good to feeling a bit low again. Another friend just told me she was pregnant. Of course as always its really lovely for her, and of course she was really sweet and kind about telling me, and I was expecting someone to beat me to it, I knew I would get that news again, but you always get thrown for a six. As far as I'm aware she wasn't trying for a baby, or if she was it couldn't have been for long, which once again reminds me of how terrible my situation has become. As I have said before, I don't expect people to not have a baby to spare my feelings and I would never be horrible or unkind to her about it,I just wish I could be feeling so happy when I get such amazing news from friends, its such an amazing thing, but it's just so sucky! 

Why am I so unlucky and everyone else I know seems to be lucky. I really don't deserve this, I have never wanted anything more in all my life, I have never tried this hard at something, pretty much it's the only difficult thing in my life I haven't given up on. How many more time's am I going to have to hear this, why is this all just so hard, how did my life get like this?


When will I ever cross the finishing line, because I'm getting very worn out. Slow and steady wins the race as the fable goes, this was true for the tortoise, he was slow and steady and he finally won the race. And hopefully so will I.

IVF for dummies

I think this book "IVF for Dummies" should be called "IVF for Genius's and you still wont understand it all"

Yesterday I got this very book out from the library, it's certainly alot to comprehend. There is just so so much information, so many things that can go wrong with each stage in IVF. At the end of the book i think i was left feeling more freaked out then I was to begin with. IVF is just so full on. I'm sure once I get the hang of the schedule for the month ill be fine. I was like this with IUI, I thought I was going to get something wrong, or get the day 1 wrong, but of course it was fine. This book also had alot of informative information too, I really like to go into an appointment and understand what the doctor is talking about.I also like to bombard my Gardener Guy with all this information, every time I come across some new interesting fact ill trot out to the garden (where of course he is) and tell him. 

The last few days have been busy, I have been back into work, and actually feeling good so far. Last night We had my two cousin's over, It was really lovely to have 2 little people sleep over, It was lovely to put them to bed and do all the thing's that make you feel like a parent. When their actual parents came to collect them out of bed at about 10.30pm I was left with a sense of emptiness. It was nice knowing that in the other room there were 2 little people sleeping, nice to know we had a full house.I know their parents will happily let them come and stay whenever and I'm really grateful for that, it's nice that the kids are so happy and comfortable to come to our house. I'm sure soon we will have children sleeping in the other room that will never go home.

So what have I learnt over the last few days? Reading too much clogs my mind, better to just go with it. Having special children around is great, but still leaves me feeling sad, but that's ok to feel like that.  And really il'd rather be reading IVF for Dummies than IVF for Experts, because the day I become an expert at IVF is probably the day for me to stop and look into other options. Let's hope where IVF is concerned I stay a Dummy!

Staying behind the closed door

Sometimes I really think its easier to close my front door and stay firmly behind it. Not opening it to anyone, no answering texts, just basically isolating myself from everyone. Well we all know that is crazy and very unhealthy, but seriously sometimes it's just easier that way. It's hard to see parents with their children, its hard to try and act happy around people when really I'm not, and it takes a lot of effort sometimes to smile and be nice, its hard to listen to other people's problems when sometimes I'm just thinking they are very petty and they need to get a grip. (upon re reading this, my last few words about other people's problems is out of line, I do care about my friend's and family's problems, no matter how small, I was referring to non friends and family, just to clear that up). I have turned into a mad woman.On the outside to other people I must seem completely normal and really together, but in reality I'm really not. From the moment I wake my mind is consumed by baby making, treatment's, dates on a calendar, the cost of it all. Its a lot to cram into one brain!

A prime example of my over madness was today me and Gardner Guy got into a bit of a heated discussion with our neighbour (his tree had blow over our fence and was hanging down, stopping us from parking the car in the driveway, after 2 days of knocking on their door to speak to them, Gardener Guy took matters into his own hands and chopped the over hanging branch), anyhow the neighbour got mad and accused us of going on his property (which we didn't) anyhow to cut the story short, My Gardner guy was pretty calm and sorted it (only one sware word from him), but of course me, well I got all mad. I just have no patience anymore and am generally pissed of with everyone for no reason! So you see I should have just stayed behind the closed door.

When I have been feeling at my worse, for example - when I had my failed IUI's and was crying and unhappy I wouldn't answer the phone when a couple of my friend's rang, I wouldn't let a friend of mine come to see me after my last failed IUI, I always waited till I was better, then spoke and saw them, perhaps I need to allow myself to be miserable around them and know I don't need to put on a brave face all the time.  Perhaps I need to open up that door a little more often, even when I want to stay behind it, that may just be the key to helping myself.

Standing Still

I feel like we are standing still. I hate waiting. I'm not one for taking a big break from things and waiting round, I'm the type of person that needs to be doing something productive.infertility involves a lot of waiting, alot of standing still. Waiting for appointments when your doctor is booked up months in advance, waiting for your new treatment cycle to start, waiting for results. Waiting is not something I'm fond of nor good at.

I know that the 17th Jan isn't so far away, but I'm ready now! We will have to wait till February's cycle to start IVF as my period is due only a few days after our Doctors appt, it wont give us enough time to sort out the Bank Loan and anything else that needs to be done prior. So I'm just going to have to wait till February. I know some people will be thinking, just enjoy being drug free till then,relax, but if you have been waiting as long as me to become pregnant you will know that means nothing, I cant enjoy being drug free as I don't want to be drug free. As weird as that sounds, I want to be drugged up to my eyeballs. then at least I'm not standing still and we are moving forward and closer to getting a positive.


I'm going to get some books out of the library and start doing some reading, I want to know what I can do to prepare my body for IVF, any way I can help ill do it. We have a wedding to attend this weekend, so that will be my last time I will drink, and from then will also stop drinking coffee again. My question to any lady's that have done IVF, what preparation did you do? Did you start straight away or are there more tests needed prior to your day one?

Oh well, waiting it will have to be. As they say "Good things come to those that wait"

2010 was Bad, 2011 Good???

That is the question, will 2011 be good? Who know's, but im damn pleased to farewell 2010.

We are back from our holiday, and I guess i can say we are feeling good. We were both really bummed out on the 24th Dec when we got our bad news, but now its the 1st Jan, and I have to start feeling positive again. A new year and all that. We really took the time away to let fertility take a back seat. We enjoyed each other's company and had lots of laughs about stupid things. We did talk about the upcoming IVF and there were a few times when my Gardener Guy made comments about how nice it would be to have children, but all in all the trip was centered around us and not the worry of money and IVF and all that jazz.


Now that we are home and I have unpacked the bags, Im back to facing reality and thinking about getting our bank loan sorted. We have our Doctors Appt on the 17th Jan, so till then I guess i wont have much to report, that is unless I have some kind of meltdown before then, quite possible.


So I continue to hope that everyone is coping ok, and thank you all again for your kind comments. 


So 2011 good??? No lets just say 2011 will be Great!!!