Still waiting for our miracle

Did you know that  the Emperor Penguin is the best dad in the world? male penguins incubate the egg under its body in the harsh winter, he even bulks up for this job, putting on an extra 40 or so kilos. Wow, what a dad that is! I wish gardener guy would take over and go and stand outside in the garden for 9 months with our little embryo tucked up in his pocket, what devotion that would be. I'm not sure what the mum penguin is doing while dad is out freezing his little furry ass off, but hey who cares, sounds good to me, she is probably sitting around drinking a glass of wine in a nice cozy ice cave waiting for dad to bring home the new baby. On the flip side of that amazing penguin dad, the worlds worst dad is the Japanese Cardinal Fish. He has a very interesting parenting style, he starts off by being a good dad and holding his baby safely in his mouth, but as with most males he loses his mind when he sees a good looking female, he figures that no hot female wants a single dad, so he thinks "what am I going to do"? I know Ill eat my baby, perfect solution, and he does just that! If Gardener guy ever sees a hot woman when we are out walking down the street and he proceeds to try and shove our baby in his mouth, well I might just have to divorce him.  

Now, I'm still alive and kicking. Just waiting waiting waiting. We are 4 days past a 5 day transfer, 5 days to go and I think I'm handling it fairly well so far. As the result day inches closer and closer my fear gets stronger and stronger. Our embryo will have completed implantation by tomorrow and have placenta and fetal cells, or it will be dead.

As far as symptoms so far, well I really don't think there is anything. I woke up on 2 days past transfer and 3 days past transfer and got dizzy when I got out of bed, today not so. My boobs are not sore, I have had the odd twinge and light cramp but I really have no clue if this is anything. Can anyone give me some insight into how they were feeling at 4 days past a 5 day transfer?

Me and gardener guy have been getting slightly carried away on a few occasions, chatting about baby names and other little things that we will do when I'm pregnant, I know we shouldn't be talking too much about the future, but it's so hard, everything has gone well so far and we are feeling happy so why not enjoy that why we can right? It might all end on Tuesday. At least for now we have hope.

Gardener guy still has the hideous beard, it seriously looks like pubes on his face!! It did look like a hedgehog on his face when it was prickly, but now it has got more fluffy so it looks like he has cut his pubic hair and stuck it on his face. A nice image, no, but powerful, well maybe. Maybe he needs to keep the beard for the long haul, after all he will need something to keep him warm while he's outside being all penguin like and watching over our baby.

That's all really, sorry pretty boring I know, there just isn't anything else to say. I want to know, I want to know now! As this important day gets closer and closer I know I need to start preparing myself for the worst, I need to try and make myself strong as I know I am going to need every ounce of strength to get through another failure, at the moment I really don't feel like I could pick myself up and do another round, I would have to get strong for a frozen transfer if this fails, but at the moment I don't know how to do that.

This will be my 5th result phone call from the clinic, a few people keep asking me if me or gardener guy are going to take the call. I am going to take the call, people also keep saying to me, how can you manage taking another call, it must be so hard hearing those terrible words over and over, why not make it easier for yourself and let your husband take the call for once.My reply to this is I will continue to take the calls till I get a positive call, I will continue to put myself through all the heartache because I keep thinking, I have had 4 negative calls, I have had 4 calls where I have heard the same thing "sorry its not good news", 4 times I have broke down but I want to take the call because I  know one day it will be positive and I want to be the one to hear that first, I deserve to hear those words, I put myself through all those bad calls just to hear one good call, that is all I hang out for,I have taken every result call every step of the way, and to be honest most of them have been bad and really disappointing, although recently they have been good but  if Tuesday brings another hit, then so be it. One day it wont be the bad call I'm so familiar with. 

I always think about what I will do when I get that positive call, will I just break down and cry, I don't really know, I just cant wait to see the look on my husbands face, I cant wait to call some special people in my life and share some good news for a change, I just cant wait to write an amazing happy blog post, most of all I cant wait to get that good feeling inside me, that feeling of delight, that feeling of lightness instead of heaviness, that feeling of absolute bliss, that feeling of feeling completely at peace and ready to open my heart and love someone more than can ever be imagined.