This morning I got a text message from her telling me she started labour at about 1am and was heading into hospital soon, I obviously knew this was going to happen any day, any minute but when I heard it, it was just hard. All I kept picturing all day was her and her husband in hospital going through this amazing thing and having the most amazing day ever (sore but amazing). Her husband text me just recently to tell me the news. I don't in any way want this post to sound like I'm not so happy for her, but it's bloody hard. Its bittersweet. This friend of mine, is the type of friend one could only dream of having, throughout her whole pregnancy she was so conscious that this was hard for me and never went on and on about it and never once did she upset me, she has been a brilliant support to me and I'm forever grateful for that.
I had discussed with her that when the baby is born, I will come visit alone. I have 2 other very close friends that will be going to visit, and it would be fantastic to all go and see her together, the way it should be, 4 closest friends sharing in a miracle. But I cant. I explained to her that it's just a bit too hard, and I'm not in a stable enough place to do that yet. She deserves all the glory and deserves all the attention and to get all the "oh he's so cute" "oh wow your amazing" and all the things that are said to a new mother, and I don't want to take any of that away from her. I don't want my other 2 friends to worry about what they say in front of me incase it upsets me, I don't want them to hold back. So that is why I have decided to go and visit her alone. And I guess that will be another post, how I dealt with having a brand new baby in my arms that still wasn't mine.Brace yourself for that one.
So I will brave the children's shops this weekend, and find a gift for the baby, and for mum and for her little 2yr old girl, and better not leave out dad, food always works well there. I will be the best friend I can be for her and put on my brave face when I go to see her, I may cry but I think it will be a mixture of tears of joy to see a new baby brought into this world and tears of sorrow that this very special event reminds me so much of my sorrow.
My advice I guess is if you are ever in a situation like this, don't lose a great friend because you are too sad and scared to join in in their happiness. Take it slow and do what you can to show you care and show your happiness and if they are worth having as a friend they will respect this and just get it.
I would so love to be in her position more than words can ever express. But I'm just not. I will be one day but for now I am an empty shell carrying nothing but my pain and envy. I know that soon will be replaced with a baby, but in the meantime I will try not to let that pain and envy stop me from sharing in her miracle.
A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank balances smaller, homes happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten and the future worth living for.
I totally understand how you are both happy for her and also this is so hard. I'm glad you're being such a good friend and yet doing it in a way that is best for you. This kind of stuff is so very difficult. Hugs to you.
ReplyDelete-Kristen from www.buckupbuttercup.net
ugh, I totally get this and there is no easy way through it. I think you are so brave for pushing yourself and being there for your friend. I find that over gifting makes me feel better and does the job of saying the things that I am struggling with, plus it helps with the guilt I feel over the entire situation.
ReplyDeletegood luck with the shopping and visit.
My best friend had a baby boy 3 weeks ago and I was a little nervous about going and visiting(she has been an amazing support for me too)But you know what?Once I was in that room with her beautiful boy in my arms-I wasn't even thinking about IF or myself, I just enjoyed the moment and it was a good reminder as to why we are going through all of this. I think it's easier when it's a supportive friend as you know you can be yourself around them and they will understand.
ReplyDeleteI have been back for many more cuddles with her baby since then-we have a joke now that it's part of my IF treatment as we both heard that being around babies can help somehow-gets the 'baby hormones' going or something!
It's awesome that your friend has been such a great support for you, and that you in turn are supporting her-it's not easy but often the thought of it is much worse than actually doing it-best of luck chickie :0 xo
oops sorry for the crazy long comment!
ReplyDeleteIt is very hard to be a part of someone else's joy when you want that for yourself more than anything in the world. My sister in law is pregnant with #2 and it breaks my heart it's not me. I just want one! You want to be excited for others, but it's hard when you aren't excited about your own life. Infertility sucks! Good luck when you visit.
ReplyDeleteIt's great that she's been so understanding and compassionate through her pregnancy... and she'll understand how you feel when you visit. Good idea to go alone - a friend of mine recently had a baby and I visited alone for similar reasons, and it ended up going really well (with only a few little tears). There is something about holding a baby that is so magical and a true reminder of why we go through the heartache we do - to be a mum :) You'll be a great one too xoxo
ReplyDeleteMy best friend is due on May 23rd and I still don't know how I'm going to process it all. I don't want to take away from her (well deserved) happiness, but I'd be lying if I said it would be easy. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you two have a wonderful friendship. I'm so proud of you for not walking away, and also for protecting yourself. This is wonderful, as it can be so incredibly hard!
ReplyDeleteaww dont know what to say, that sounds so hard xxxxxxxxoooooooo
ReplyDeleteIt definitely hard knowing someone close to you is having a baby and your supposed to be so supportive and happy but you have difficulty bringing yourself to do that. I know when my sister was pregnant with baby number 2 I was crushed. I mean happy for her sad for me. I didn't really want to be around her. She realized how bad this was hurting me and became ever so supportive. When she went into labor she called me and asked me to come in the room. I was shocked. It was me her and her husband. I stayed for the whole delivery....It was such a blessing. when my nephew came out i couldn't stop myself from crying. I kept thinking that this is so amazing and I pray to concieve. At that moment it was time for my brother-in-law to cut the cord. He looked at me and handed me the scissors. he responded "we want you to be here and to take part so that you can have a full experience" I couldn't stop crying. Amazing. Since that day I have such a better bond with my sister and family. Although i still struggle day to day I think at how blessed I was to be a part of something that I may never have.
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