Monday, March 21, 2011

A miracle I am not

Well I'm not one of those stupid miracle's you hear about. You know the one's. Where someone says "I have a friend, who's friend's cousin got miraculously pregnant while on a break to start their next IVF cycle". Well fuck off. Has anyone actually met these so called miraculously pregnant people. No. You hear of them but do they actually exist? doubtful. And if they do I sure as hell don't want to hear about them.


Today is cycle day 30, And I must say its 6.23pm so It's now considered night, so my loving period was a whole 2 days late. Thanks a lot. Was I having hope? sure I was. Of course, I am stupid after all. I curse myself for having hope, what's hope these days, its not worth a dime. As you can tell I'm pretty mad. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone and I don't want anymore hope, what the hell is the point. I may as well just crawl down into my hole, at least down there it's real, there is no stupid hope floating around trying to get me all excited for nothing.

You know just for a second I really let myself believe that I would be able to tell people that I didn't need more IVF, and I even imagined writing a blog about how amazing it was that I got pregnant naturally. How do you stop yourself getting your hopes up? I really cant master that one.  

All day my husband was asking me "anything yet" and my  reply kept being "no, we are still in the running". Then as I was making dinner I went to the toilet and there it was, the ever familiar spotting. Great! We sat down for dinner and again he asks me "anything"? and my reply was "yeah it's started coming through". oh. Then Que meltdown, I dropped tomato on my skirt and had a fit and pulled it off me in a rage and started crying, then threw a dish cloth across the kitchen and slammed the door behind me as I went into the laundry, of course Gardner guy came after me and said "its ok, don't worry about your skirt, clean it after dinner". But really it was just typical, everything always goes wrong for me, even if it is just a small thing. It will probably leave a stain now, just like the giant stain that is fucking infertility.

So now I will go have a shower and settle down for the night, read my book, watch tv and be in a bad mood. And of course get my self up AGAIN! for goodness sake again! How many time's must I be kicked down.

A little something I came up with to end this very angry post on a slightly better note - 

Today there is no miracle,today hope has faded, today the road is long, dark and scary, today was not the today I wanted,  but my strength will prevail and unlock my dreams to make a better tomorrow.
Posted by clewis at 7:34 PM

13 comments:

  1. ChristaMarch 22, 2011 at 12:30 AM

    Sorry hun. I had the same thing happen to me. My FET failed in late January. I took a pregnancy test last weekend to gear up for FET #2 and saw a second line. I freaked thinking I was pregnant, called my nurse and everything. Went in for a blood test and posted about it on my blog. Someone who reads my blog mentioned my test was supposed to be a plus sign, not just a second line. I was so devastated. Hope is a killer for infertile girls like us

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  2. AlexMarch 22, 2011 at 2:15 AM

    Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I've always hated hearing those miracle stories, because it would get my hopes up so much. No matter how many times we tell ourselves not to hope, we can't help it. Sending you a hug, my dear.

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  3. ManniMarch 22, 2011 at 2:38 AM

    I am so sorry. I totally agree - I hate it when people tell me about their friend of a friend who did IVF then got preg naturally -- or their friend of a friend who tried and tried then adopted then got preg. These stories are not helpful to me. They do not make me hopeful. They make me mad. Because they are extraordinary stories. And they lack the important details -- just how difficult struggling with IF is.

    Hang in there.
    *big hug*

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  4. E and RMarch 22, 2011 at 3:26 AM

    I'm so sorry! I hate the 'miracle' stories as well - and I am with you! Where are these people??? Just a cruel joke to keep our hopes up. Pamper yourself - you deserve it!

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  5. KristaMarch 22, 2011 at 4:43 AM

    Oh boy...have I been there!! Was just there...I let myself get a bit excited just this past month when AF didn't arrive until CD 38. I kept thinking about how fun it would be to conceive naturally between our IVF cycle and our FET. I too, kept thinking "maybe I'll be one of those gals that everyone talks about!!" No such luck for me either. So sorry, my sweets. It is so hard to be let down when we let oursself have hope, and the one we love is so wrapped up in it with us.

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  6. hopeisafourletterwordMarch 22, 2011 at 5:23 AM

    Hey there, I am don't have much positive to say as I am crawling into my own hole at the moment but hang in there, it has to get better right?

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  7. cdgMarch 22, 2011 at 7:11 AM

    I am so sorry. I know those miracle stories are out there but they are never easy to hear about without the "why not me" feeling. I know we have all been in your shoes and it is not easy.
    sending lots of love your way....

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  8. TrinityMarch 22, 2011 at 7:31 AM

    clewis,
    I am so sorry!!!! I know there are no words, nothing I can do or say to make you feel any better! I told my mom so bad today, I felt so guilty but I could not just smile at words ... it will happen my girl, soon you will see .... We do not want to hear these things, we do not want to told that it will happen, just keep faith, just relax ....

    If you do know know what it is like to not being able to fall pregnant don't say anything, just leave it, a hug are enough!!!

    I feel with you, we are all here for you

    I send you the biggest hug ever!!!

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  9. DandelionBreezeMarch 22, 2011 at 10:23 AM

    So sorry to hear... this is a nightmare of a long dark road. I agree - I've never met one of those 'miracles'... must be urban myths. Look after yourself. Your strength will prevail and your determination will get you through. Hope your tomorrow is better and one step closer to your dreams. With you all the way xoxo

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  10. AnonymousMarch 22, 2011 at 10:29 AM

    Stains do come out with help, so does IF with help. If we have no hope, then what are we left with. No matter what the history, every month is a new month, another chance. This road is really bumpy, old and wears and tears out wheels, but the road must lead somewhere??

    Hugs and hugs to you...xo

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  11. AnonymousMarch 22, 2011 at 1:08 PM

    I am so sorry. I have been sitting here for the past 2 days wondering, hoping to be that next miracle, only as I sit here, I feel the symptoms creep up more and more :( Hoping the upcoming IVF's for us give us just what we want :)

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  12. The Cat LadyMarch 22, 2011 at 11:09 PM

    I feel your pain. I try to stay hopeful, but it's a daily struggle. I appreciate your post, as I can totally relate. Today you had a bad day, but I hope you have a better one tomorrow. Hugs!

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  13. marilynMarch 23, 2011 at 7:05 PM

    I am crying reading this! I am not sure what is going on..but I am mad now too!!! You speak for all of us...I believe we have all been there. that dreaded..hope, despair, and then have to pick our self up cycle. It really sucks.

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