Broken Heart

This is not good news. I cannot begin to express how heartbroken I am. Me and my Gardener guy are crushed.

We got up early this morning to go and have my blood test, Then we came home and waited. This was the hardest thing ever, we decided to go for a walk on the Petone beach, but that didn't help, we kind of walked round the house aimlessly waiting for that call. I don't think I will ever forget that call. We were both standing outside in the back courtyard, and the phone rang, I hear the same miserable sounding voice from the nurse that I'm so familiar with, "I'm sorry, It's not good news" and that was it...... I couldn't hear anymore, I handed the phone straight over to my husband and he mumbled a few words to her then the call was over. The worse call of our lives, it was meant to be the best call of our lives.

We went inside and sat on the couch together and cried. The more I cried the more I made my gardener guy cry. He held onto me, and after a few minutes of saying nothing, he started to say all the right things. He started to comfort me, to tell me 'we are strong, we can get through this' 'we have each other' 'your so strong we will be ok' 'we can do another round' ' It will happen for us'. Basically anything he could manage to get out he did. He told me he cant bear to see me upset anymore and he will do whatever it takes to stop the sadness.This is when we discussed other natural treatments to do between now and April, (April is when we will do another IVF cycle). 


My gardener guy rang his parents, all he could manage to say was "it isn't good news, Ill call you later". That was all he could say, the same thing when he rang my parents. I text a few people that were waiting to hear and that was that. all over. hopes destroyed. 

I cried alot, and for a long time, and by no means am I ok as I write this, but I still write this for everyone that wants to know how we are, and cares. I don't feel anything anymore, I don't think I will ever be successful, And I don't think I will ever be the same again, This has made me as tough as stone, I surprise myself how I some how manage to get up and start planning for the future, my determination is something I'm really proud of, and something I never knew I had until infertility.So that's something at least, something ill take away from all this. That has to be good. doesn't it. 


Me and my gardener guy discussed alternative medicine, As our minds never stop thinking of ways to make a baby, even when we are destroyed. I have rung and left a message with a Natural Health Centre, someone I know referred  me to this place as apparently they deal with infertility. So I'll keep you updated when we hear back, I also plan to start acupuncture. We are both the type of people that need to be doing something, I cant lie around for 2 month's doing nothing, I cant waste the 2 months by going out and getting boozed and having lots fun, and making my body more unhealthy, no way, not when I could be doing something to help with the next IVF. Getting our baby will continue to be my number one priority. It's funny how money suddenly becomes so insignificant, we just don't care anymore, we will pay more money for our 2nd IVF in April, and in the meantime we will pay more money for natural medicine. Money doesn't matter at all.

But for tonight, we plan to get some wine and pizza and curl up at home together. Before we have to face reality and get back to work and the same mundane things. 

If you are one of the lucky people that have children, treasure them every single day, they are treasure. They are so special and they should never be taken forgranted. For many of us out there, to get these little treasures is a struggle, We have to dig deep into that treasure chest and hope we get a jewel. The treasure has not being thrown at us, We have had to follow a map, that sometimes leads us down a never ending path, and when we get there, it happens to be the wrong path, so we have to start all over again, right back at the start of the map.We have had to start all over again, we haven't yet got our treasure. We haven't yet struck gold. Will we ever reach the end, I like to think so. There must be a little treasure with our name on it, the question is when will we get it?