Drowning in tears

 The tears have been flowing again. I feel like I have so much to get out in this post, so bear with me. The Embryologist rang me this morning with the terrible news that neither of the remaining 2 embryos reached the blastocyst stage to freeze. They will be destroyed today and that is that. Gone. We now have the remaining one they transferred into my uterus and that's fucking it! The dream of having a baby is once again slipping further and further away and hope is now fading into the background AGAIN....... How can I be getting more bad news again. What the fuck is going on, I'm younger than people that get frozens, what the hell is wrong. 

I'm beyond upset, when i got off the phone with the embryologist I cried, I rang my Gardener Guy and cried. He is mad as he thinks the clinic give you hope and then you end up with nothing, I understand where he is coming from but I try to remind him, what else are they meant to do, they have to stay positive for their patients. So much for avoiding stress and upset, I'm trying so so hard to keep it together and keep my body relaxed for the sake of the remaining embryo, but I tell you that's damn hard.


After deciding to have a baby almost 2 years to the day, we were so excited and full of hope, we had just got married and what could have been better than to decide to start a family, from that extreme high, to feeling low that it wasn't happening,When we seeked help and I had surgery to remove endometriosis stage 3, we were then all hopeful again, we thought we had got rid of the problem and it would work in no time,after 6 month of no luck we were then back to being low, how could it still not be working? We then had another high when we started our first round of Artificial Insemination (IUI), we felt great, we were doing something extra to help us and we never though then that IVF would come into the picture, Que another low, first IUI failed, but we kept going, we could afford to do the recommended following 2 rounds, We still had hope. When the second failed we were left low again, a little more low this time, we were worried we only had one round left, then that was the end for us, so we put all out heart and soul into the last round. Another terrible low, and for me probably the worse so far, a failed IUI result on Xmas eve. After this low, I cant really say there was a high for quite some time, we went away on holiday and tired to work out what to do next. But where there is a low there is a high, and it came when we organised to start our first cycle of IVF, I think this was a big high for both me and my husband, we were so excited, IVF was the big time, it was great to start, and that brings us to today, the low again, no embryos survived to be frozen. We are left with the one inside me and that's it. We have no more money, we cant qualify for funding until August 2012 so this would be it. Would we do another round? well I like to think somehow if this fails we can sort something out but that's too much to bare thinking about. I really hope we get another high, and aren't left on this low.

I feel better having got all this out, so now i need to get it together and get positive for our remaining embryo, this is not over yet, and we need to keep reminding ourselves of that, but I feel my strength and courage fading and I don't like it, I'm starting to feel weak. I take my hat off to everyone else that has been through as many lows as me, this is a damn hard thing, the hardest thing I've done in my life, its not for the faint hearted, you have to be strong, and battle like hell to carry on. You have to face the sadness every day and you are always looking for that ray of hope, that's what keeps me going, I always try to find that teeny tiny ray of hope, and that's what I must do now.


Please please let us get that high again, we so need it. If this remaining embryo survives, it will surely be a miracle baby if ever there was one.