Shove some more needles in me.

Acupuncture is the new plan. Today I made an appointment at a natural health clinic. So the plan is to do acupuncture once a week, every Thursday night. Our first appointment is this Thursday, and he will also discuss with us about Chinese herbs that will help us too. So we are both very much looking forward to this appointment. I was pleased as it's a good price too, the acupuncture is only $65 per week, and really what else are we spending the money on, nothing. 

I feel a little freaked out about acupuncture, its weird isn't it, but I've heard so much amazing feedback about it that its worth a bloody try. I am a wee bit concerned about needles in my face, apart from that I think Ill be fine. Ill take every Thursday night as a time to relax and get in a real good place, both body and mind. Am I morphing into a free loving zen hippy......... not quite, I refuse to go to my appointment's in those weird loose white one size fits all hippy pants, although with the extra weigh gain from all the drugs, this may end up being my only clothing option.


I also expressed my concern about my state of mind, and told the practitioner I wanted to shift the way I think to a much more positive frame of mind, he told me he can definitely help us both out with this too, so that will be just great. Ill walk out of the clinic feeling so relaxed and at peace ill practically be horizontal, carry me out, I'm too chilled to walk. 

As for my frame of mind at the moment, well I'm still a bit fragile. This morning when we woke up it dawned on me that it was shitty Monday, I had to work, and I was not pregnant. Smear some shit on toast and slap it in my face! that is what it's like. My gardener guy asked me if I wanted him to stay home with me, without a second though I said "yes, I don't want to be without you". So I got up and got sorted for the boys arrival, when one of the mum's arrived to drop off her little boy, there was a wee situation, a situation i never expected. She asked me how I was feeling then she gave me a hug, and I lost it, I started crying and it took every ounce of strength to get it together, because obviously I didn't want to seem too unprofessional, this is my job, caring for her son. I have no idea where this came from, and I wouldn't have though in a million years that I would just crack like that, yes in front of friends, but not her.... I guess I thought I was a bit more together then I actually am. In between all of this, my gardener guy came racing out into the lounge to see what all the commotion was and quickly helped the situation by talking to them. thank god, I kind of got my shit together. Of course they were lovely about it, but jesus I guess I'm actually not ok at all. 

So there you have it, 2 days after a failed IVF and I'm not even near being stable. 4 failed fertility treatments, 2 years of trying to conceive, and what do I have to show for it, a damn big debt, an extra layer of fat, a broken heart, the worlds most viewed vagina ( and I'm not even getting paid for it), and enough tears to sink Noah's ark.

But on the up side, I've inherited some great blogging friends, more support that I could ever have imagined I would get, a new appreciation for my husband and the most coolest of all, a killer pair of boobs!  Not even a failed IVF will deflate my determination nor the boobs.