Monday, September 19, 2011

Return of the baby bath

So if you are an avid follower you may recall during my first IVF cycle I became really inflamed in the womanly parts while I was taking my pessaries. In a nut shell I ended up squeezing my ass into the baby bath and sitting in cold salted water to relieve the stinging and burning. Why didn't you just sit in the normal bath you may ask? well really who wants to sit in a cold bath alone staring at a wall for half an hour, I mean its relaxing when its a nice deep hot bath otherwise its not. So I brought the baby bath into the lounge so I could watch TV whilst I sat there naked from the bottom half down gasping with relief. Anyhow what has all this got to do with now? well the good old bath is back, and no the baby hasn't arrived, but its mumma trying to squeeze into it yet again.

Why is it every time I get that damn bath out its not for a nice normal reason, like for example giving my baby a nice relaxing bath. Oh no, every time It comes out its because I have some kind of irritating pain. Ok, no more beating round the bush, I have piles. For god sake, if its not one hole its the other!.  Piles are very common in pregnancy and can be caused through constipation, well I've had that in the bucket loads, so all that pushing has obviously caused them. Seriously when the constipation eased I have never been so happy to sit down for a easy poo in all my life, but now I say "bring back the absent poo any day" its a far better problem than piles.

This is a really disgusting very un-lady like thing to be discussing, but lets be honest, you love reading about disgusting inappropriate troubles don't ya. I've heard piles can become a real problem during pushing out the baby, Jesus Christ Ill need to be careful not to push the whole insides of my ass out, never mind delivering a baby, you have delivered your whole ass contents madam. 

So the second I finished work I dashed into the shower and then got the baby bath out and filled it up with warm water and baking soda, this is meant to help. I was sure to close all the curtains, I didn't want to frighten 90yr old Pam who lives in the house behind ours, incase she decides to peer in and sees me naked in a very small bath, what would she make of that? well I sure wouldn't be getting any more nice old lady waves and smiles, more old lady snares and the middle finger.

So I fill up the bath in the kitchen and realise there is no way I can carry it into the lounge, so I just hop in it in the kitchen, of course I have filled it up to far and all the water overflows. Not only that I don't screw the lid back on the baking soda and drop it on the floor and baking soda goes everywhere. By this stage I'm over it, I stay in the bath for a wee while then get out. My towel is all wet from getting in the bath with it on, so I take the towel off to wipe up the water all over the floor. In walks my husband from outside and there I am on the kitchen floor on all fours completely naked wiping up the wet floor, there is white powder that looks like cocaine all over the floor and I'm practically in tears as I cant be bothered with all this carry on anymore, I tell ya it was a sight, it almost beats the previous run in with the baby bath. Gardener guy swept up all the baking soda and emptied the bath and dried it for me while I dried myself up and thank the lord I got dressed.

If there are any Robert Pattinson look alikes out there reading this blog, I really am not as disgusting as I sound, beyond all the piles and shit (literally) I actually scrub up not too bad. Trust me, I'm not always caught in compromising positions, sometimes I can be rather glam. Ha ha, yeah right. 

So this is the shit you deal with when pregnant, or maybe its just me, maybe I'm doomed to have issues with my front and rear end for the rest of my life, who knows, thinking about my 80yr old front and especially rear end is just too much to bear at the moment, all I can think about for now is lets hope next time I am talking about the baby bath it doesn't involve me getting in it and more me scrubbing my cute little baby.


  1. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! That sucks!! Being pregnant is definitely not for the faint of heart....geez louise! Hang in there!!!!

  2. Oh Sweetie - I'm sorry you are going through this but your description of when Gardener Guy opened up the door had me laughing out loud. I can just imagine! He really must be a gem to have the empathy to help you clean up. Here's hoping that you get some relief!!!

  3. Oh no! I'm sorry, but I'm dying laughing thinking of the picture when you were caught with water and powder all over the place. Isn't being pregnant grand???

  4. Oh darling so so sorry to hear bout your piles but your bath idea sounded marvellous until you tried to pull it cracked me up...yes what a sight for gardener between I have always suffered constipation but pregnancy does make it worse

    I take one glass of prune juice a day and this keeps me regular...some dont like the taste but if it helps to keep you regular

  5. Hope the bub bath is bringing you some relief... I agree with Krist -pregnancy is definitely not from the faint hearted !! Love to you and bub xoxo