Monday, January 31, 2011

Crazy Dreams - Cycle day 7.IVF

Today I did my first Orgalutron shot this morning, after it all being fine at the clinic yesterday. So now I have a shot morning and night and boy I'm feeling it! I had some crazy dreams last night, and I mean crazy! felt like i had about 50 dreams back to back and about really random people and stupid things.I also woke up sweating (there's those wonderful hot flushes).

Unfortunately this isn't going to be a very funny post, as it's all not very funny. I am feeling the full effects of all this and to be honest it's damn hard.It has got harder over the weekend and today. I'm finding it hard looking after the 2 boys I care for, I don't want to work, I want to go to bed. 

Last night again I didn't feel flash, I ended up having to do 2 injection's instead of 1, as we had a wee bit of Puregon left in one vile and then we had to change it over and inject the rest out of the new vile. Had another wee cry again last night for no reason, just told my Gardener Guy that it was hard and i didn't want to cook dinner and I started crying, was very short lived once he gave me a hug. I think I really underestimated how out of sorts I would start to feel, not that I'm complaining, I'm so glad to be doing this, it's so amazing what can be done these days to help people out. My mum also had endometriosis like me, but alot more severe, and it was only by a miracle that she had me, they tried for more children but never succeeded, she always says now that had they know about IVF and it was more widely used back then, then perhaps I would have a brother or sister. Being an only child makes me want a big family so bad. I vision myself being like the tv show "Brother's and Sister's", I'm Nora, with all her children to keep her busy!.

So tomorrow is my first scan! yah... am really looking forward to it, but nervous, I don't want to fall short at the first hurdle and not have many follicles growing, please let me have a good start. 

That's all for today, Ill try and have a nap this afternoon, hopefully the weird dreams stay away, who knows I could have a weird dream about you!! 

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Injection, oily arms and a weird pizza.

My morning consisted of an Injection at the clinic, A manicure which some how turned into a whole arm oil massage and a strange lamb shank pizza called a shawshank.

I went into the clinic this morning for my first Oragalutron injection, the nurse told me just to put it in my stomach and wait for 20 minutes, I gave her a blank stare and said "I'm not doing it myself, my husband has been doing them for me" so she had to do it for me, and very roughly I must say! not like my loving gentle husband. So i sat there and was fine to leave and start them ourselves every morning. So now we will do those at 7am and continue the Puregon at 8pm. Oh Joy! have noticed that my stomach is now starting to bruise a bit, guess that is to be expected after all the jabbing. After the clinic I went and got my eyebrows done and a manicure with a voucher I had sitting at home for ages, I went with a friend of mine, so it was a really nice relaxing thing to do. This is where the oily arms come in, for some reason both me and my friend got greased up with this supposedly relaxing massage oil, if you ask me it made us more tense than when we went it, as we were slipping all over the show.! We then went and had lunch which brings in the weird pizza, we or should I say I, thought a pizza called a shawshank was a good idea, which basically was just a roast lamb shank dinner on a pizza. very weird. But a really nice afternoon and definitely afternoons like that is what I need when going through all this.

When I got on the train to head home, i could defiantly feel that I was fading, being out all day had taken it out of me and I was really ready to get home and lie down. I'm just so worn out and drained! Last night again wasn't feeling too flash after the injection, a bit sickly again and yuck in general. but all in all I'm doing pretty good, its only cycle day 6 so Ive got a long way to go, but if i have more nice days like today where I get to see my closest friends and have a chat to them about it all, I will most definitely be ok. So more days like today, Minus the oil though please.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

The cost of a mini me

Look love, you have got $16,000 to work off, now get vacuming!
Is the world really ready for a smaller version of me. Well that's debatable. The mood I'm in at the moment there is no way we need another me. Perhaps our baby will be more like my Gardener Guy, although I fear that a child spending so much time with me will turn into me, minus a metre or so. (yes I'm practically the height of a child).

The cost of a mini me, so far has been $6,000 for 3 IUI's. That's not even mentioning all the blood tests that are $40 a pop. And now this IVF, well only 5 days in and we get a nice bill for $1308, That's just for a few days worth of drugs. Not that i really care, in the end our baby will be well worth the $16,000 plus it will end up costing. Holy crap! Guess who will start paying us rent when they are 2 years old? expensive bugger.

Well we are cycle day 5 and I think my mood has started to go from lovely to bearable to just plain nasty. I have been feeling very snappy and my Gardener guy has felt the force of this, poor man. He is holding up well though and when i realize I have been a bit evil, I do try to redeem myself. I also think I must be getting a bit emotional as while I was doing my tax return today, I started crying. Although this could have happened if I wasn't on any drugs, its just damn stressful and I'm clearly the thickest person in the whole country when it comes to figures and crap like that. It was crap! Again Gardener Guy tried to help and I snapped at him and said leave me alone I can do it! anyhow i sent the stupid thing so who cares. not me. I don't want to let that stress me out, that's all i need. On a lighter note I don't feel depressed or sad, I'm happy to be going through this and getting closer to our positive result.

Physically I feel good today, my headache seems to have gone today. But last night I felt pretty bad, felt really bloated and yuck and sickly. But after a good sleep last night I'm good today. long may it last.

Once again thank you for all the kind comments and support, hope you are all holding up ok and tolerating my moaning posts.I continue to follow many blogs and find them all so interesting and helpful. 

As a last word, the cost of a mini me may be high in dollar value, but that's fine, the cost of not having a mini me is far worse.  I cant wait!!!! bring on the baby.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

....................Sorry think I just feel asleep.

Cycle day 3 is upon me. Day 2 of Puregon. I'm so tired. Woke up 25 minutes late this morning so had to rush round to get ready in time, and then had a nap on the couch at 9am! for goodness sake nana.

I am feeling good though, Have a niggling headache, but that's ok, I pretty much had a headache the whole 5 days I was on Clomiphene so that's bearable.

Last night's Injection session went well, My Gardener guy was so gentle.  I Didn't really feel the needle go in, was more just like a bee sting for a few minutes after. I had my usual freak out, saying I was scared and couldn't do it, but of course it was fine, ill probably say the same thing again tonight, and then it will probably be a walk in the park. What a baby I am!

I got to thinking, while I was out walking today, of what i want from this cycle. Well obviously a baby, but what i would be happy with or disappointed with throughout the cycle. I think I would be really happy with 10 plus eggs at retrieval, really anything above 10 would be a bonus. I think if i get below 10, I would really be worried that there weren't enough to go on and fertilize and then split normally. On Embryo transfer day I would be happy with the obvious 1 to transfer and 2 or 3 to freeze. If I only had 1 to freeze, I'd then be worried that, that was it. only 2 chances, the fresh and the frozen. We cant afford to do another full IVF cycle and we don't qualify for funding till Aug 2012 so this is our only shot. I need those frozen embryos as back up's. If you have already had an IVF cycle, I would be really interested to know how many eggs you retrieved and then how many embryos you were left with?

I also started thinking about how I'm actually going to feel if this fails, and I know I said I wouldn't let myself go there yet, but it's hard not to. I try not too though, as it upsets and stresses me out.After 3 major IUI dissapointments and almost 2 years of trying, it's enough for me. I don't want to start ranting on again because i just make myself mad, and I'm probably just repeating myself again, but its just not fair!!! (angry face), I'm only 29 years old, it's not like I'm 50, so what the hell is going on!

Well maybe I should just go and have another nap. But lets hope I stay awake long enough to actually get through this cycle, although being asleep through the whole thing wouldn't be so bad now would it.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

IVF Cycle day 2. First FSH (puregon) Injection

Today is day 2,Injection time.

Last night me and My Gardner Guy sat down and watched the Puregon Instruction dvd. We managed to take the piss out of the dvd (as we do with most things I must say), as the woman on it looked so excited to be giving herself a shot. So we have now got it sorted thanks to her. The clinic also rang me again today, and I have to go in on Sunday morning for my first Orgalutron injection as they need to make sure I don't have a bad reaction to this.So will do that and have to sit there for 20min's. After that we can do the Orgalutron shots ourselves every morning at 7am. Ahhhh.....what a carry on.

So tonight at 8pm promptly the Puregon will be loaded up and my hubby will inject me. I would still like to think I will be able to take over and do it myself at some stage, but right now I don't see the point in putting pressure on myself to do that.

Ill let you know over the next few days how I feel, etc. I have been told Orgalutron gives you hot flushes, which I am used to after the Clomiphene, and let me tell you, feeling the uncontrollable urge to rip off all your clothes and tip cold water on yourself is not something one wants to be feeling, especially at a children's playgroup where I was. Its unacceptable to take layers and layers of clothes off at any public place, but even more so around children.Having a child pick up your bra that you flung across the room in your sweaty rage isn't cool!

Then i hear there's lots of lovely things associated with the Puregon, dizziness, tiredness, nausea, bloated, weight gain, headaches, very emotional, moody. Yuck!! I did get quite a lot of symptom's with just the clomiphene tablets, apparently my body reacts well to quite small doses of drugs, hence the horrible feeling. So I'm preparing myself for all this. The last 2 symptoms are the one's that will affect my husband, the overly emotional and moodiness. So basically ill be a sad, upset bitch. Lucky him. On the last round of Clomiphene I threw a garden stake at him because he moved a pot plant!!  yet when told that this erratic behaviour may be due to the drugs, my response was something like "what erratic behaviour"? It's perfectly normal to throw large spiky objects at your husband, I was practising my javelin.

So my best advice to my Gardner Guy would be keep your mouth shut and for god sake lock away the garden tools.

PS: what a great husband he is. x

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Fingers Crossed for success. Cycle Day 1. IVF

I have my fingers crossed for a hiccup free cycle and a successful ending! Please please please let this work.

So Cycle day 1 has finally arrived, and yes it is late, 3 days late. How very convenient, when I want my period to come, it decides to play a little trick on me, "ill come 3 days late, that might be funny" . No it's not. But anyhow its here. 

My day started with going to bank a cheque to fund this god damn thing, And this ended up being a 20 minute wait to get it sorted, all the while I have 2 very impatient children, a cramping stomach, and to top that off I started to get leakage (if you get my drift), I was starting to get a bit fidgety as i imagined the whole bank being covered in a sea of my blood. Get me out of here! Also the teller asks me "are you using all this money for anything fun"? And I ever so casually say "IVF" and then i get it, the "ahhhhhhhhh......... that's so special" and i even got a congratulations! what the heck are you congratulating me on? being infertile? "oh thanks, I'm quite proud I'm infertile, now shut up and give me my money"!. Now would you believe it but she then proceeds to bring over another colleague and tells her, I'm then getting congratulations all round. Also just to twist the knife in deeper, the colleague looks down at the 2 boys I look after and says " but you already have 2" So then AGAIN, I have to say they aren't mine. So that was that lovely trip to the bank. Money sorted, exit fast.

Just to make my day more annoying, I ran over a lady's foot in the library with my buggy. oops.! that wasn't taken too kindly. By this stage I was ready to go home and wait for a call back from the clinic.I finally got a call back and all my instructions. I'm to start 150units of Puregon tomorrow night, (we are going for 8pm), and keep going on that right till the trigger injection (for non infertile people, basically keep injecting myself till egg collection so a couple weeks), then to also start Orgalutron on Sunday the 30th in the morning (we are doing that at 7am). I also have my first scan date of Tuesday 1 Feb, So that's a biggie to see how many follicles I am growing. fingers crossed for lots. My Gardener guy is to go back in to collect more Puregon tomorrow, so we will be fully stocked till the scan date. So now really it's just all about me taking the drugs, getting lots of rest, and extra sleep to help those eggs grow and hoping I don't feel to bad.

Am feeling excited to start, but also scared of the effect's the drugs will have on me! Eak... And at this point I'm not even going to allow myself to start thinking about the outcome, it's too much to take on board yet.

Thanks again for all the comments and support, from both blogger's and my friends and family. It would have been a lot worse had I not had you all around me.I hope you continue to follow my journey and keep all your fingers crossed too.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Not Pregnant

I'm not pregnant, well obviously..... Your probably thinking why is she stating the obvious? She's about to start a cycle of IVF any day, of course she's not pregnant. I knew that, yet for some god forsaken reason I did a pregnancy test.

Let me tell you how this played out. My Gardener Guy said I should do one, he was saying how funny it would be if I was, so I did. Negative. I knew it wasn't going to be positive and I know he knew that too, and I'm not even upset about it, it just makes me pissed off. Why couldn't something amazing like that have happened, right now when we need it more than ever. I also feel like a bit of a failure after this, I just cant seem to make it happen. But after doing this it also made me even more determined about this IVF and made me feel more strong going into it, I'm going to give it everything Ive got. I'm going to throw my whole self into it and try so hard to keep up the positive thoughts like Ive been told too, I will make the next month all about looking after myself and my body, and of course my husband, and that's it. Nothing else matters.

I wasn't even sure if I was going to blog about this, as I felt it was pointless information, basically just more of my stupid bullshit, but then I thought, no ill write about it. its not pointless to me. Its part of it all. I said I wasn't going to blog again till my day 1, yet here I am. Not yet day 1.

So I'm not pregnant, but what I am is tough, and I'm not going to let myself be knocked down by all these insane emotions, yes it was only the dreaded 1 line on the test, but I can feel it......I can feel that soon it's going to be 2 lines. I'd rather be tough and than a pregnant sissy right?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Waiting for something make's it more exciting?

The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting right? yes I guess that's true.A bit of a build up really does get one going.

This is probably the first time in a long time that I have been calm in the build up to getting my period. The first time I want it to arrive so I can start. It feels so good not being a panic ridden mental case, I'm just relaxed and waiting for it to come. Of course there is always hope that it might not come and by some miracle, me and the hubby actually pulled this off all by ourselves! how cool would that be. In fact my Gardener Guy said that at dinner last night, "you might not get your period" I told him to stop saying that and giving himself false hope, I just don't want him getting upset. I know it's not going to happen, but imagine my next post was that we didn't even need IVF!! Yeah right.

This will be my last post till i get my period (cycle day 1) and get further instructions form my nurse, but I think I start Puregon Injections on cycle day 2. Most likely our public holiday on Monday will be taken up with me going in for a scan, so while everyone is enjoying going out for brunch, catching up with friends and family, having a sleep in, I'm jabbing myself with needles and sticking a probe in my vagina! yes at my clinic apparently it's too much to ask that the doctor puts the probe in, we have to do it ourselves, Would they also like me to read the scan??? (actually in saying this, I do prefer putting it in myself, just easier now). And saying ill be jabbing myself is a slight lie, My husband will be doing that. from previous trigger injections he did for me, he seems to think he's a real expert and although the upcoming Puregon ones are a bit harder he doesn't appear to have any worries about it all. He is a very sweet man, and I know he will be gentle, sometimes a bit too gentle, ill end up telling him to hurry up. Ill let you know how all that goes. I'm guessing after a few days of shots and the hormone levels are all over the place, ill be tempted to pick up the needle and stab him with it!

So there you go, Im over and out now for a few days. This waiting certainly isn't making my blogs more exciting, there's only so much humour one can put into waiting. I tell you what, perhaps instead of waiting I should be mateing.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The start of my journey to becoming a junkie

How do junkie's carry around all their needles etc.Its very inconvenient i think. Its a bit tricky for me to go out for dinner or anything like that and ask the restaurant staff to chill my drugs alongside the fish of the day. So guess we wont be going far from the fridge.

As the picture shows, this is just a minuscule amount of the drugs, but in saying that, it's about $900 worth!!! Its so important not to screw it up when we load the puregon pen, we don't want to be spilling any!

Me and Gardener Guy sat down last night and watched the IVF dvd provided from the clinic. It was really long, and I though hubby might get sick of it, but he was really into it, and rightly so, the whole process is so amazing. Was really good to see the stages step by step. It was also quite sad, at one point I though i was going to cry. I thought this was me being a bit dramatic, but once it had ended my Gardener Guy said he almost cried too!!! so it does affect us both, as much as sometimes us lady's think that the men aren't overly emotional, I guess they are, in their own way.I also found that alot of the emotions the couples were talking about, were all the emotions I felt. It really brought the whole thing to life, and made me realise how huge this really is, and to try be a bit more kind on myself and not so harsh, I need to stop thinking I'm mental and being a baby, because it's so much to cope with, I'm suppose to be scared and crazy.

Today i feel really good, Just woke up feeling good that we are going ahead. I'm enjoying these last few drug free days, as i know that next week wont be so pleasant. But I'm prepared for that, and if I need extra days of work because I don't feel well I guess ill have too. For all you IVF lady's, Did you take any days off work after the egg retrieval? the transfer? We have been advised to take one off after the retrieval and possibly one after the transfer. 

I'm going to try really hard to drink lots of water as advised and sleep as much as possible. Apparently the more you rest and sleep, the better the eggs grow. 

So that's all really for now, next week ill be a full blown junkie, shooting up....except I wont be getting an amazing high, more a shitty low.But potentially the biggest high of my life in just over 4 weeks!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Test Tube Baby it will be

So...... the highly anticipated first IVF consult appointment is over. Done. So its happening, a test tube baby we shall have, or should I say a baby made in a dish. Highly romantic stuff!!!

We went in both feeling quite nervous. Our doctor said all usual "I'm really sorry we are at this stage, this isn't easy for you, and you have already been through so much" etc, then we basically discussed that, yes IVF was the way to go. He then proceeded to discuss the procedure and then he came to the all too touchy Embryo transfer issue. After I was so adamant on 2 embryos being transferred, it really is a different story when you are face to face with one of the 2 top fertility specialist's in the country. Saying to him "well we are going to completely ignore you and do what we want", just didn't feel right. He outlined more risks and more reason's why we should just transfer one, more statistics, and after this I could see my Gardener Guy was caving, all of a sudden he starting agreeing with the doctor and saying things like "yes yes, ahhh yes that's right" lots of head nodding too. I on the other hand was a bit tougher to crack. But everything he said made perfect sense, and he didn't want us going against his recommendation. So we didn't. And we both are happy about that. He thinks we should end up with really good quality embryos and have one's to freeze. So that was that. Next I jumped in overly eager again, and said "my period is due sat, can we start then"!!! I'm happy to say that was received with a simple "sure you can", although in his head he was probably thinking, settle down you mad woman! 

Once we left the meeting with him we saw the nurse, who we both really like and have a good laugh with, She got us to sign the consent forms, Which i must say have some pretty weird things on it, For example, If I die, can my Gardener Guy use the frozen embryo's to implant into another woman!! hell no! It was hard enough for me to make the damn things, no other woman is having them!! But if  my Gardener Guy dies, we both agreed I can still use the embryos. So a few wacky questions there.

We got given some drugs to keep us going for a few days, we got a wee lesson on loading the Puregon Pen and my Gardener Guy is going to inject me. I decided then and there I couldn't cope with it. We also got given some Orgalutran injections too, so any feedback on either of these drugs side effects would be appreciated. All of it was a bit overwhelming, but guess it will just become second nature. We also left with 2 DVD's. One about IVF and another about the Puregon pen and loading it and dialling up the drug amount etc, so we will have a viewing of those tonight.

Ahhhh....... So that was it, an eventful day, now we just wait for my period to arrive, and that will be my Day 1 and go from there, will be starting the Puregon shots on day 2. So this is it, the start of the wild ride, As they kept saying in the clinic "its the big time now"!!! So my feelings on this are, I am excited, but also so freaked out. Ill just take each day as it comes, and try to rest alot as advised, let those eggs develop nicely and try to keep my spirits up. 

Who would have ever though that we would be getting help to produce a baby, by a team in a lab. Not something you really picture yourself doing, but it's ok, and as the doctor said to us " This will be your year, we will get you that healthy baby"..... So I'm clinging onto that, and who cares how we get the baby, All I know is that it will be so loved it will be begging us to give it some space.! 

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Money talks

Money really does talk. Isn't that a shame though, but it really does. If you have the money you have more power and can make more decisions. That is life.

As discussed previously we were going to get a bank loan to fund IVF, which would have meant a hefty interest rate, and having to wait till February to start IVF due to money. I can now say with so much delight (and I really hope they don't mind me writing about them) that my In Law's are giving us a loan. This is an amazing thing for us, we can pay them back instead of a bank, and not have all that extra interest added on. this also means we can go into our Monday appointment knowing we have the money and can start in January!! yah yah yah!!! My period id due on Saturday the 22nd, so we can start when it arrives.

My Mother and Father In Law are not over the top wealthy people, they are just 2 of the most kind hearted, selfless people I have met. Through out this whole journey their support has been immense (even though they are on the other side of the world). They treat me not as their Daughter In Law, but as their Daughter. When there is so so much stress involved with all this, relieving the money stress is huge, it's really the last thing one wants to be focused on during this, but unfortunately because it is so expensive it does worry me.

This Blog post is really for them, so they can read and know how truly thankful I am. I can never thank them enough, Not just for the financial support, but really for not batting an eye lid over any of this, making me feel calm and reassuring me that it will all be ok. My mother In Law has spoken to me almost every day via facebook, she has waited nervously for news of our treatments, and each time it has broken my heart to tell her the sad news, but regardless she is always there, coming back, not giving up, believing that me and Gardener Guy are strong enough to carry on. I am so lucky that they are My In Laws, so very lucky. I love them dearly.
I can see where their son gets his sweet, kind, caring manner from, I now hope our own children can learn those great values that he got from his parents.

So yes Money does talk, and we will let it do the talking for us in our Monday appointment, but really money means nothing unless you have your family, one which I hope will be expanding very soon. And one last thought "this baby or babies better be damn cute!!! - this is a bloody expensive child".

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Double the trouble?

My new thing to obsess about at the moment is Embryo Transfer and how many. I Want TWO!

Here In New Zealand (and I don't know if this is worldwide), it is strongly recommend to only transfer one embryo if it is a healthy embryo and if your under the age of 35. If you are not in this fertility game, the reason behind this is that if they transfer 2 embryo's, obviously there are greater risks for twins, and as the statistics show this comes with all sorts of increased risks both to mother and babies. When I say increased risks, the margins are very small. The only risk that I though was increased alot between a single baby and twins was the risk of them being admitted to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for being born premature. For single babies the risk is 15% but for twins its 48%. Other issues raised was the fact that a woman's body is really only built to carry one baby, the risk of poorer quality of life within your marriage and financially after the twins are born. and so it goes on. None of these fact's by the way particularly alarm me. People have twins all the time, and that's naturally. I can see where they are coming from though. 

At my clinic if you are getting funded treatment, the decision is out of your hands, they will only transfer one, and freeze the rest. If you are paying (which we likely will be), you can question the doctors and try to push for two. Which I think is what we are going to do, me and my husband figure, we are paying for this out of our own pocket, and we listened to you before with 3 rounds of IUI, how about we make a decision this time? I would rather walk away with twins than with no babies.

So this I will say, at my appointment on Monday, I will tell the doctor this, I will try to be very clear about how we feel. I'm guessing it will probably be me that will end up getting into this with the doctor, and pushing for it, I know my Gardener Guy will also harp in and say how we feel, so lets hope it's received ok. 

I would like to know what you ladies think? where you given an option? how many did you transfer?

Some people may think, oh god, your asking for double the trouble, not only medically, but emotionally and financially. I say yes you may be right, but we are a strong couple and we can handle it. What we cant handle is another failed treatment. So double the trouble......hmmmm maybe, but double the fun, double the love, double the excitement, well that's a definite.

Monday, January 10, 2011

A is for Angry, B is for Bitchy, C is Crying, E is for Eager. Need I go on?

Angry..... Yes I am. I'm feeling very angry today. Ive been reading a book called "the stork club". It's really good and amusing about one woman's hellish road through IVF. I became angry reading this, angry that I'm going to have to take drugs to shove me into what is basically menopause, then drugs to shoot me right back up and produce mega amounts of eggs, I'm angry that I have to inject myself and angry that i may have to shove progesterone pessaries inside me, angry that I'm going to have to have more time off work to recover, angry that I'm going to be living a life basically of a monk,  I'm angry that I have to do this and other people don't have too.

Bitchy, Yes I am. Bitchy to my husband, and bitchy about stupid day to day things.bitchy about watching other people's happiness on tv. I'm so bitchy I need to stop here, before I say something far to bitchy.

Crying, Yes I do. I haven't cried actually since the 24th December, so am doing pretty well, I'm inclined to think I'm all dried up. Ive used all the tears one person get's given in a life time.

and Eager, Yes I am. I've always been eager to start thing's and get a move on, no matter how scary and horrible. I'm over eager, I go into doctors appt's like some kind of desperate spotty teenager trying get a date, I'm pushy, I'm so eager it is desperate. If the laboratory was open, il'd probably sneek in there and try to perform the surgery myself.

 I'm not even on any drugs at the moment and I'm still weird, I hate to think what things I'm going to write when I get back on drugs. watch out it will be scary.

On a lighter note, a passage in the book that i really liked and thought was quite funny is as follows: " I cant believe our bad luck. We are a quite unremarkable couple, trying to do a rather normal thing - why are we so goddam special when it comes to babies? What are we trying to breed here, some bloody rare bird?

I really like that, You would think I was trying to produce something difficult and rare, it's a baby for god sake, nothing rare, you could say they are as common as muck. It's not rocket science..... Hold on, for me and many ladies it is!

I just really wish, A could be for Amazing, B could be for Bright, C could be for Carefree and E could be for Elle Macpherson.....Hmmm, the first 3 will come back to me, but sadly the 4th one is really not going to be me. 

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Big Fat Infertile Woman

So, Not only do fertility drugs make you feel moody, bloated, dizzy, headaches, sickly, hot flushes, emotional, but also you gain weight!

This became all to apparent at a wedding we went to yesterday. I knew i had gained 2 kilo's, which doesn't sound like much, but it kinda will start to add up, if I then gain more during IVF. At this wedding we got a couple of pictures,and I just looked yuck. I may be acting stupid and saying this sounds very vein and superficial, but after all the other terrible side effects and how you feel inside it would be nice just to still look good from the outside.I do know this is really the last thing I should be worried about, and I'm kind of contradicting myself here, I do care but at the same time I don't care, if that makes sense. We all want to still look good right? even if we feel crap, looking good would be nice.

Oh well, what can you do......Its all part of it, and one day when we are happy and have lot's of children running around, this will all just be a distant memory, and running around after all the children we are going to have is a good way to lose those kilo's!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Slow and Steady wins the race. One day.

I feel like I'm in a running race and I'm trying so hard to win, I'm running like the wind, I'm pushing my body to the limits, I'm jumping over all the hurdles, yet some how I'm coming last, I see everyone else run by at a relaxed pace, barely trying, they glide past me with ease, and cross the finishing line and I don't.

I wasn't going to post today, as really didn't have anything to say. I had a nice day, Got a nice phone call from a family member offering me some really great support and just letting me know she's around whenever I need her. that left me feeling so good, But then in an instance I go from feeling good to feeling a bit low again. Another friend just told me she was pregnant. Of course as always its really lovely for her, and of course she was really sweet and kind about telling me, and I was expecting someone to beat me to it, I knew I would get that news again, but you always get thrown for a six. As far as I'm aware she wasn't trying for a baby, or if she was it couldn't have been for long, which once again reminds me of how terrible my situation has become. As I have said before, I don't expect people to not have a baby to spare my feelings and I would never be horrible or unkind to her about it,I just wish I could be feeling so happy when I get such amazing news from friends, its such an amazing thing, but it's just so sucky! 

Why am I so unlucky and everyone else I know seems to be lucky. I really don't deserve this, I have never wanted anything more in all my life, I have never tried this hard at something, pretty much it's the only difficult thing in my life I haven't given up on. How many more time's am I going to have to hear this, why is this all just so hard, how did my life get like this?

When will I ever cross the finishing line, because I'm getting very worn out. Slow and steady wins the race as the fable goes, this was true for the tortoise, he was slow and steady and he finally won the race. And hopefully so will I.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

IVF for dummies

I think this book "IVF for Dummies" should be called "IVF for Genius's and you still wont understand it all"

Yesterday I got this very book out from the library, it's certainly alot to comprehend. There is just so so much information, so many things that can go wrong with each stage in IVF. At the end of the book i think i was left feeling more freaked out then I was to begin with. IVF is just so full on. I'm sure once I get the hang of the schedule for the month ill be fine. I was like this with IUI, I thought I was going to get something wrong, or get the day 1 wrong, but of course it was fine. This book also had alot of informative information too, I really like to go into an appointment and understand what the doctor is talking about.I also like to bombard my Gardener Guy with all this information, every time I come across some new interesting fact ill trot out to the garden (where of course he is) and tell him. 

The last few days have been busy, I have been back into work, and actually feeling good so far. Last night We had my two cousin's over, It was really lovely to have 2 little people sleep over, It was lovely to put them to bed and do all the thing's that make you feel like a parent. When their actual parents came to collect them out of bed at about 10.30pm I was left with a sense of emptiness. It was nice knowing that in the other room there were 2 little people sleeping, nice to know we had a full house.I know their parents will happily let them come and stay whenever and I'm really grateful for that, it's nice that the kids are so happy and comfortable to come to our house. I'm sure soon we will have children sleeping in the other room that will never go home.

So what have I learnt over the last few days? Reading too much clogs my mind, better to just go with it. Having special children around is great, but still leaves me feeling sad, but that's ok to feel like that.  And really il'd rather be reading IVF for Dummies than IVF for Experts, because the day I become an expert at IVF is probably the day for me to stop and look into other options. Let's hope where IVF is concerned I stay a Dummy!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Staying behind the closed door

Sometimes I really think its easier to close my front door and stay firmly behind it. Not opening it to anyone, no answering texts, just basically isolating myself from everyone. Well we all know that is crazy and very unhealthy, but seriously sometimes it's just easier that way. It's hard to see parents with their children, its hard to try and act happy around people when really I'm not, and it takes a lot of effort sometimes to smile and be nice, its hard to listen to other people's problems when sometimes I'm just thinking they are very petty and they need to get a grip. (upon re reading this, my last few words about other people's problems is out of line, I do care about my friend's and family's problems, no matter how small, I was referring to non friends and family, just to clear that up). I have turned into a mad woman.On the outside to other people I must seem completely normal and really together, but in reality I'm really not. From the moment I wake my mind is consumed by baby making, treatment's, dates on a calendar, the cost of it all. Its a lot to cram into one brain!

A prime example of my over madness was today me and Gardner Guy got into a bit of a heated discussion with our neighbour (his tree had blow over our fence and was hanging down, stopping us from parking the car in the driveway, after 2 days of knocking on their door to speak to them, Gardener Guy took matters into his own hands and chopped the over hanging branch), anyhow the neighbour got mad and accused us of going on his property (which we didn't) anyhow to cut the story short, My Gardner guy was pretty calm and sorted it (only one sware word from him), but of course me, well I got all mad. I just have no patience anymore and am generally pissed of with everyone for no reason! So you see I should have just stayed behind the closed door.

When I have been feeling at my worse, for example - when I had my failed IUI's and was crying and unhappy I wouldn't answer the phone when a couple of my friend's rang, I wouldn't let a friend of mine come to see me after my last failed IUI, I always waited till I was better, then spoke and saw them, perhaps I need to allow myself to be miserable around them and know I don't need to put on a brave face all the time.  Perhaps I need to open up that door a little more often, even when I want to stay behind it, that may just be the key to helping myself.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Standing Still

I feel like we are standing still. I hate waiting. I'm not one for taking a big break from things and waiting round, I'm the type of person that needs to be doing something productive.infertility involves a lot of waiting, alot of standing still. Waiting for appointments when your doctor is booked up months in advance, waiting for your new treatment cycle to start, waiting for results. Waiting is not something I'm fond of nor good at.

I know that the 17th Jan isn't so far away, but I'm ready now! We will have to wait till February's cycle to start IVF as my period is due only a few days after our Doctors appt, it wont give us enough time to sort out the Bank Loan and anything else that needs to be done prior. So I'm just going to have to wait till February. I know some people will be thinking, just enjoy being drug free till then,relax, but if you have been waiting as long as me to become pregnant you will know that means nothing, I cant enjoy being drug free as I don't want to be drug free. As weird as that sounds, I want to be drugged up to my eyeballs. then at least I'm not standing still and we are moving forward and closer to getting a positive.

I'm going to get some books out of the library and start doing some reading, I want to know what I can do to prepare my body for IVF, any way I can help ill do it. We have a wedding to attend this weekend, so that will be my last time I will drink, and from then will also stop drinking coffee again. My question to any lady's that have done IVF, what preparation did you do? Did you start straight away or are there more tests needed prior to your day one?

Oh well, waiting it will have to be. As they say "Good things come to those that wait"

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2010 was Bad, 2011 Good???

That is the question, will 2011 be good? Who know's, but im damn pleased to farewell 2010.

We are back from our holiday, and I guess i can say we are feeling good. We were both really bummed out on the 24th Dec when we got our bad news, but now its the 1st Jan, and I have to start feeling positive again. A new year and all that. We really took the time away to let fertility take a back seat. We enjoyed each other's company and had lots of laughs about stupid things. We did talk about the upcoming IVF and there were a few times when my Gardener Guy made comments about how nice it would be to have children, but all in all the trip was centered around us and not the worry of money and IVF and all that jazz.

Now that we are home and I have unpacked the bags, Im back to facing reality and thinking about getting our bank loan sorted. We have our Doctors Appt on the 17th Jan, so till then I guess i wont have much to report, that is unless I have some kind of meltdown before then, quite possible.

So I continue to hope that everyone is coping ok, and thank you all again for your kind comments. 

So 2011 good??? No lets just say 2011 will be Great!!!