Wednesday, March 30, 2011

There can be sun in the clouds

When I am feeling low, it seems like I will never be able to see the sun for the clouds. The giant black cloud hanging over my head, but sometimes for no particular reason the sun shines through.

Guess what? I'm not going to complain in this post! who would have guessed. This morning was a really nice day, for starter's I only had one little boy to look after instead of two. It was really nice to get some alone time with him, which also meant we could go out on the bus, so off we went and had a nice day out at the park and then went to lots of second hand shops where I scored big time on some clothes. We strolled along the beach, and in general was just really nice. I even kind of felt like a mum, with just the one child, and he is very cute!. But, of course there is a but, I get home and this damn house alarm next door just wont shut up, it was also going off yesterday, It is getting on my nerves, I really feel like going over there with a sledge hammer and smashing the house in. What kind of muppet goes off to work and set's their house alarm, and leaves their dog inside to set the alarm off, yes you heard right.It is seriously driving me nuts, not to mention the poor dog in the house. Idiots.

But I wont let that spoil my upbeat mood, I have called noise control, so there!, I am such a housewife, ringing up the council to complain, next thing you know ill be running over next door in my apron and hairnet and banging down their door with my rolling pin. They are right dicks next door anyhow. Need I bring up the run in we had with them over the hanging tree... no I wont go there. 

Who knows how long this mood will last, but Ill take it while I have it. I am feeling really positive about IVF 2, this has to be it for us, its starting on approximately the 17th April, and I cant wait. Well obviously I am not looking forward to all the crap that comes with it, but I am looking forward to the positive we will get at the end. And our doctor's appointment is on Friday, so I am armed with a few questions for him, and will be good to get our treatment plan wrote up and all set to go, so ill let you know all the news from that. Do you think it will make any difference if I cry? just for the hell of it? haven't given that one a whirl yet, but really what good will that do, it's not like he will secretly pay for my treatment for me or slip me someone elses superhuman embryos now will he, or will he? perhaps a little wink and a sexy smile, toss of the hair, rub his leg under the table? would that help? hmmmmm........ again perhaps not, in fact that might just get me a nice law suit and a very embarrassed husband. 

So blog followers, as you can see there can be sun in between all those dark depressing clouds, some days the good old sun pushes those nasty clouds aside and says  'go away, just give us a break for today', I'm feeling a bit sunnier today, but I tell you what, if that damn alarm doesn't stop, the neighbours next door wont be feeling so sunny when they come home to a broken window and no clue as too what happened except a rolling pin lying on the lounge floor, not even a cluedo expert could work that one out right?  

Monday, March 28, 2011

The A B C's for Infertiles

Every modern infertile woman needs a new alphabet to live by, no more A is for Aeroplane, B is for Banana. Listen up, this is the real alphabet, not the fake one you tell your kids to keep them smiling.

A is for Aunt flo, as they call it, which leads to a strong need for Alcohol

B is for Bitch, which is what you will become, a bitch with a bulging drug induced belly, not to mention the monthly unwanted bleeding
C is for clomiphene, a lovely drug that will come in handy on those cold winter days, as it will surely send your temperature sky rocketing. But the surge in heat wont take your mind of hoping that when your egg meets sperm they are diving into nice even cells

D is for dreams, these will never be forgotten and are what keeps us going.

E is for egg retrieval, the lovely process of having your eggs ripped out of your vagina which is then proceeded with embryo transfer where the start of your baby is delicately placed inside you.What an emotional roller coaster. For an extra treat Endometriosis is thrown in to the mix for fun.
F is for facebook, this becomes your enemy, you do not want to see peoples pregnancy status updates, the fun in your life is gone, but thank god for good friends, without them you surely would be fucked

G is for google, your new best friend, a constant source of information.

H is for hysterscopy a procedure to run dye through your tubes to detect growths/blockages. This can lead to happiness to find the source or your problem or more heartbreak, heartbreak is present far too often, heartbreak is hard.
I is for IUI, IVF, both invasive, hard fertility treatments to go through.

J is for a joke, your life starts to feel like a cruel joke. Where the hell did it all go so wrong.

K is for kids, what you so long for. What all this is for.

L is for laproscopy, a procedure where small incisions are made into the abdomen to check all your womanly bits. Mostly every fertility treatment that fails is like a loss. Losing a battle, loss of a potential baby. Loss of hope.

M is for mood swings, all the drugs you will be taking will make you a moody mad cow.

N is for needles, nausea and more negative results. Great. Just great, what a blast.

O is for ovidrel another drug to trigger ovulation, orgalutron is another drug to stop ovulation. Poor poor ovaries, they don't even know what the hell they are meant to be doing after all this.

P is for puregon, a drug to produce mass amounts of eggs. This will be followed by shoving pessaries up your fanny, all this and you still end up getting your period. stupid penis.

Q is for queue meltdown, 1 2 3...... there is goes. right on queue. meltdown. tears. shit.

R is for red. The colour you never want to see. Blue, fine, green, fine. Red, devil.

S is for sperm, jack your sperm into a cup, get your legs up in stirrups and let me open you up with a giant speculum. Whatever, it's all a waste of time when you eventually just see spotting.

T is for tits that turn into the size of melons. No wonder you get so tired lugging those things around.

U is for for ultrasounds to check how many eggs you have growing in your ovaries. In the end all you can wish is that they end up making a home in your uterus.

V is for vagina, the whole town would have seen your vagina, over and over. Your vagina is out there, open, loud and proud.

W is for wanking, your poor husband or lucky husband depending on how you look at it, will become an expert at wanking. All this hard work is so you will end up with your beautiful baby growing in your womb.

X is for xray vision, oh how we wish we had that to see exactly what is happening inside us.

Y is for yelling, there will be lots of this on your infertility journey. Name calling, harassing. Just remember to follow the yelling with a hug.

Z zzzzzzzz, bugger me I need to sleep. This alphabet is exhausting!

So there you have it, Why don't you go ahead and traumatize your kids or better yet someone elses kids with this new age alphabet. Remember life is not all aeroplanes, banana's and cats. It's more assholes, bitches and cu*#s..........

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Here she goes again!

Blah blah blah, that's all your probably hearing, here goes the moaning bitch again. More moaning ahead, more complaining ahead. As a man would say " I can see her mouth moving, but I don't hear what's coming out", which is probably a clever way to be, just block me out.

But you know what, I guess if I had nothing to complain and moan about then why would I need to be writing a blog about infertility. Let's face it no one ever wants to hear about other people's happiness. We don't care that Anne is living in a lovely home with a white picket fence and has a handsome successful husband, has 3 children, a dog named Ralph, a cat named Martha and has sex 3.5 times a week. (not sure what the .5 means, it just sounds better). No one wants to read a blog she writes. Fuck off Anne, we would much rather read a blog about say Joan, who lives in a mouldy old flat with her impotent husband, has no children due to the impotent problem, has no money and is having an affair with the guy in the opposite flat in hope he will be more successful in the bedroom department. Yes Joan's blog would get much more followers. Unfortunately we just seem to prefer hearing about other people's problems, although no one wants to admit it but it makes us feel better about ourselves, but more importantly it makes us feel that we are not alone, we are not the only one's failing, at whatever the problem may be. So I guess the continued complaining from me will still bring in the followers. I'm Joan, minus the impotent husband and affair, and oh the mouldy flat, ok so I'm not Joan, but I have problems and I will continue to complain. Sorry but here I go again.

Today I just felt a bit miserable. Me and Gardener guy had many discussions today about how we were just a bit bored, we wanted a little someone to run around after. Me chasing Gardener guy round the house just isn't the same!. I'm counting down the days till our doctors appt on 1st April, perhaps we can get some answers, well likely not, it will be the same thing said, it was just bad luck. Blah blah blah, never the less it will be good to get our new treatment plan wrote up and get closer to IVF 2. Tonight I decided to have some wine with dinner, I just felt miserable and needed it. I always stop alcohol well before IVF as it makes me feel like I'm helping out in some way, I know there is no hard and fast rules about how far in advance you should stop hitting the bottle, but quite a bit in advance before all my treatments I stopped completely. Tonight I just thought to hell with it, I need a drink, now I'm not about to go running down to the bottle store and tip a bottle of rum down my throat but a nice wine is good! IVF should be back up and running in about 3 weeks so one drink now is ok for me, besides what good has being sober done for me previously. Nothing!.

I know I sound like a moaning Minnie and I may not be the most fun friend in the world at the moment to those of you reading, but that's how it is at the moment, I'm no Anne, I don't have everything going as planned, who wants a friend like Anne anyhow, a perfect friend with a perfect life, no thanks, I think It makes friendship and relationships more real if you have battles to fight, problems to conquer together.

My blog will continue to be full of moaning and groaning and madness, but at least you know everything you are reading is real and brutally honest and I can guarantee you I will never lie and what you see (or what you read) is what you get, hold on for the ride, strap yourself in, ride along side me, scream if you must, because I can honestly say this wont be the last time you will be thinking "here she goes again"!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Forward planning

I like to forward plan. I like to know when things are going to happen and I like to organise myself so I have got everything ready, so I know what is what. I'm not crazy (stop rolling your eyes), I just think that forward planning helps me keep in control. I wake up in the morning and I like to plan what me and the boys are going to do for the day, I like to plan my dinner menu, I plan that I will fold that mound of washing stuffed in the cupboard, where no one can see it of course.Shhhhh.... So why would my baby plans be any different, I have forward planned there too.

Now you must remember I initially thought this would all happen alot quicker and this planning was a good idea because soon I would have a baby, but when that never happened I guess the forward planning just kept going. I plan my clothes, I think I must not throw that dress out that I haven't worn in a million years as It's nice and stretchy and will be good for when I'm pregnant, I forward plan with buying baby clothes, I have a bag of clothes and other goods up in the wardrobe, knitted clothes my mum started when I told her we were trying for a baby, I have a baby bath (as you know from previous posts, this has many uses, not just for a baby)!. I have borrowed a bouncenette and a play gym that is under the spare bed waiting to be used. I forward plan with the spare room, I have planned I will get rid of the double bed to make more room and buy a nice arm chair to feed the baby in in their room at night. I plan that we need a new little cupboard in the kitchen to put bottles, sterilizer, cups, plates, spoons, bibs etc in. I plan that I want a white cot, and that Gardener guy needs to turn into painter guy and paint the drawers in the spare room white. I plan that as soon as I get my positive, Ill be right off to the bookshop to arm myself with reading material on pregnancy and birth. I tell you what I am so organized for this baby, so damn sorted, so damn ready, that it's so ironic that the only thing I cant plan is when it will be arriving. 

It makes me mad at all these couple's who get pregnant who have nothing planned and ever so casually start to buy stuff and get the babies room sorted 2 weeks before their arrival! Are you even excited? I will be so happy and so grateful and so excited that I will have everything organised and ready to go months before hand. I am waiting so patiently for this plan to be put into action, but I cannot wait any longer. It's excruciating. Until you have waited for something so precious as a baby for so long you can never get how shitty this is.  Let me start the plan! god damn it! Gardener guy wont know what hit him, I tell ya when we get the go ahead, It will be like the start of a construction job, out will come all the blueprints (aka the big list of what to buy) and instead of reaching for a gardening book to read beside his bed it will be replaced with a book with some kind of creepy title like " the dad's guide to babies, boobs and bottles". Gardener guy will look confused and search for his gardening book but.......... when he opens his drawer he will be greeted with " First time Fathering" . Ahhhhhh........... And that will only be the beginning, he will open a kitchen cupboard, bam, out jumps a strange pump like contraption, is this an attachment to that food processor we were given? this will be followed by me giving him a demonstration of how I have turned from the wife with the sexy DD breasts, to the wife who resembles a cow in the milking shed. If all this seems like enough, well there will be more, His shed will be filled with buggy's, various out door toys, I will take over every corner of his life with my forward planning. He wont even know who the heck he is after I've finished with him, He will have knowledge coming out of his ass, I will bombard him with plans for the babies sleeping, feeding, what we will do when we get home from the hospital, what the baby will wear, when he is allowed to touch the baby (just kidding!!!), I'm not that controlling! well not quite. But do you know what, He will love every second of it. All my husband wishes is that he can soon see me properly happy, and he knows there is only one way for this to happen, so he wont care how crazy and over the top I become because I will be happy, and I bet he will be crazy and over the top right along side me, as this is all he wants too.

Planning when I get our baby is something I haven't been able to do, its out of my control and I hate that. I don't know when it will come into our lives, but when it does I can happily regain my control and forward plan. Oh dear I will have my child's life planned up until its bloody 20yrs old. Well no not really, I will never plan my child's life for them, once they are old enough to decide what they want, all I can hope for is that they are happy, feel loved and as far as I'm concerned they can plan that any way they please.

Monday, March 21, 2011

A miracle I am not

Well I'm not one of those stupid miracle's you hear about. You know the one's. Where someone says "I have a friend, who's friend's cousin got miraculously pregnant while on a break to start their next IVF cycle". Well fuck off. Has anyone actually met these so called miraculously pregnant people. No. You hear of them but do they actually exist? doubtful. And if they do I sure as hell don't want to hear about them.

Today is cycle day 30, And I must say its 6.23pm so It's now considered night, so my loving period was a whole 2 days late. Thanks a lot. Was I having hope? sure I was. Of course, I am stupid after all. I curse myself for having hope, what's hope these days, its not worth a dime. As you can tell I'm pretty mad. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone and I don't want anymore hope, what the hell is the point. I may as well just crawl down into my hole, at least down there it's real, there is no stupid hope floating around trying to get me all excited for nothing.

You know just for a second I really let myself believe that I would be able to tell people that I didn't need more IVF, and I even imagined writing a blog about how amazing it was that I got pregnant naturally. How do you stop yourself getting your hopes up? I really cant master that one.  

All day my husband was asking me "anything yet" and my  reply kept being "no, we are still in the running". Then as I was making dinner I went to the toilet and there it was, the ever familiar spotting. Great! We sat down for dinner and again he asks me "anything"? and my reply was "yeah it's started coming through". oh. Then Que meltdown, I dropped tomato on my skirt and had a fit and pulled it off me in a rage and started crying, then threw a dish cloth across the kitchen and slammed the door behind me as I went into the laundry, of course Gardner guy came after me and said "its ok, don't worry about your skirt, clean it after dinner". But really it was just typical, everything always goes wrong for me, even if it is just a small thing. It will probably leave a stain now, just like the giant stain that is fucking infertility.

So now I will go have a shower and settle down for the night, read my book, watch tv and be in a bad mood. And of course get my self up AGAIN! for goodness sake again! How many time's must I be kicked down.

A little something I came up with to end this very angry post on a slightly better note - 

Today there is no miracle,today hope has faded, today the road is long, dark and scary, today was not the today I wanted,  but my strength will prevail and unlock my dreams to make a better tomorrow.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Cycle day 28. It can be funny.

Today is cycle day 28. Big deal! Does this really deserve a post, Probably not. I am a 28 day cycle gal, sometimes 29, sometime 30. So really who the hell knows. Before fertility treatment I was 28 days, bang on, I could tell you that at 1.28pm I was going to get my period, It was that predictable, now days its a bit trickier, a few day's over 28 is nothing abnormal. Anything over 30 days though would be very fishy indeed, some kind of conspiracy would be happening if it went over 30. 

Anyhow, being on day 28 today I'm feeling good. Not too mentally insane, but that's not to say that every time I go to the toilet I'm not staring into my knickers like I'm some kind of visually impaired woman. Hmmmm.....What's that I see there? could that be blood? oh no wait a minute its just the red pattern on my knickers. Why do I behave like this, Why do I start thinking that my eyes are not working right and I must practically press my eye right into my panties just to try and see something. News's flash, I actually am not blind, I can see perfectly fine, If I don't do this during the rest of the month, why all of sudden have I gained a sight problem today. Get a grip woman. Actually get a grip times ten! If IVF cant work, how the hell can a natural cycle work? really. But somewhere in the back of my muddled up mind, I think it might work. This is a wee bit different after all, its a natural cycle with extras. Its like having a boring old bowl of natural muesli, but then adding a few kind of exciting toppings, a banana, perhaps a few nuts and yoghurt. Just like this cycle, its natural with a few added toppings, by this I mean the Chinese herbs and the acupuncture.  

Really we can all guess what will happen over the next few days. I will go to the toilet, see a bit of spotting, I will again question my eyesight, then I will remind myself I am not blind and what I am seeing is infact my period, I will get really mad, I will get a bit sad, and finally I will accept it and move on as this only means I'm one more cycle closer to IVF number 2. 

Today I went to a second hand clothing shop and got myself a dress, and couldn't resist a pair of baby havaiana's. Far too cute to walk past, they are just like the havaiana jandals me and my husband wear except they have a little strap at the back and are in mini size. so cute! when our child wears those he/she is sure to be cool and quite possibly fatherless. As I sit here writing this I'm watching my husband trying to cut a large branch off a tree, while bits of the tree are coming falling down, not too far from his head!. I just got called outside to pull on a rope that was hoisted around the tree, It was some kind of pulley system, I'm no lumberjack but It all seemed a bit dodgy to me, anyhow I pulled, he cut and it came tumbling down. I think that my role of pulling on the rope didn't go quite as planned, as in I didn't really pull it at all, more just held it while I watched the branch come down crushing my husband! well no not really but he now thinks he has a broken finger. perhaps his tree trimming days are over, before there is more of an accident and then the child wearing the cool havaiana jandals only has a mum and a well manicured tree. 

This post is a bit all over the place today, talks about a possible blind woman, baby jandals, and a tree. Put the 3 together and you get one weird family, A woman who may or may not have sight problems, more likely problems in the head, a child with the coolest footwear in town and a man striving to have the best trimmed tree regardless of weather he is causing danger to himself to do so. That pretty much sums up my life, Weird. Funny but weird. Me and Gardener guy are weirdo's, the poor child that becomes ours, oh dear! but their cool jandals might cancel out the fact that they have parents that are one banana short of a fruit salad!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The doll house of dreams

When I was little my dad made me a dolls house. It wasn't the penthouse of doll house's by any means. it was made from 2 beer crates. very 80's. he drank a crate of beer and I got my dream, my very own doll's house. It was carpeted and wallpapered and had tenny weeny furniture in it. I loved it. It had the perfect little family inside it. A mum, a dad, 1 boy, 1 girl and a baby in the cot. For me that was the dream, and I guess it really hasn't changed all too much.

Today I went and visited my friend who just had her wee baby boy a week ago. I must say I felt a little nervous and worried that I might have some kind of meltdown, but I was ok. I got there and as usual all was the same, nothing had really changed except there was a extra wee person in the house. My friend was still the same and didn't make a big fuss over it all. And I felt fine. He was a lovely little boy and it's so nice for them. 

Seeing their little family was like stepping into a doll house of dreams. Just like the kind I had when I was little. She has her little family, her little dream. It's so nice.It's all so chaotic, In a lovely kind of way. There is so much life between their four walls. And coming home just felt a bit quiet and lifeless to be honest. I actually look forward to seeing her baby again, It reminds me why I'm putting myself through all these horrible things. I'm not saying I want to be surrounded by a herd of babies all the time, but her and her family are different. She is my family.

So I'm all good, no need to fit me for a straight jacket just yet. On other news, the dreaded period is due on Saturday, so it's likely I wont have anything to say till then. And It will come, lets not be naieve here. It will come, but that's ok, then I only have 1 more cycle till our next IVF. Yah.

A doll house your father makes you is something to be treasured, you redecorate and change a few aspects over time to fit in with your dream, but it seems nothing much changes. A dream of a home with 3 children is pretty much still what I want now. Perhaps I would change the retro floral carpet, and maybe living in a house made from beer crates is not ideal, but beggar's cant be chooser's, Spending $26,000 to get a baby is not likely to leave me much change to live in anything but a house made from beer crates. But I wasn't complaining then, And I wont be complaining now. 

Having a plastic store brought dolls house is over rated. Having a house built out of love is far better. A good lesson in life really. I bet that little family living in the beer crate house was alot happier than the family living in the plastic house. $20 buys you a good night on the beers and leaves you with something to be made into a little girl's dream. Not too shabby really.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I have a child, it's just not human

People consider their animals to be like their children. Well I guess when you don't have children you will cling to whatever you have. Even if it is a ferocious little minx.

The closest I get to having my own child Is my furious old cat, who behaves very much like a human, a crazy erratic, mad, grumpy human disguised in a cat suit. Me and my friend's often joke that one day she will un zip her cat suit and jump out. She has very human traits, well actually she swings between being a human and a dog. She has started barking like a dog and glaring up at the dinner table waiting for us to throw her food. She has brought a grown man tumbling down to the floor with just one swipe. She has flatted with half of the city and grown quite a reputation for being the cat about town. But yes there you go she's my child. Sad but true.

I fear when we do bring a new baby into the house that our cat will lose the plot. I don't really know if I can trust her, as it is she doesn't like the little boys I look after. She snares at them and has given out a few swipes here and there. And she is fast, so damn fast, faster than anyone I have ever met, human or cat. A really fast swiper, she can swipe you faster than you could ever imagine, bang..... A gash across the leg. She may be fast with her hands ( I mean paws), but fast on her feet she is not. She runs like a 90yr old pensioner, which probably isn't that far off her real age (she is almost 10 in human years). She has a very large sack like belly that almost hangs right to the ground, and when she try's to run it sways from side to side. Very funny!. She likes to sunbathe (as seen above), she is fussy and gets the most expensive little tins of food, the best biscuits and her own cosy bed. She is spoilt. But hey, I don't have anyone else to spoil.

Just thought I would give you an insight into another part of my life, apart from infertility. So that's my post about my little Tilly.When I feel the need I think I can share small snippets of my life away form infertility, just to give you a look at me, and that I'm not just another blogger who is having trouble conceiving, but someone who try's to have a life and did have other things going on before all this horrific infertility, so occasionally that will be shared.

She may not be the baby we always dreamed of, But for now she is all we have got and me and my gardener guy have her and that is our family at the moment. Me, Gardener guy and naughty little Tilly.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Booze is not the answer

Booze is definitely not the answer to my problems, nor to any problems really. Sometimes when things in life aren't great we search for something to alleviate the pain. ways to escape. Booze is probably not the right way to go.

I went out in the weekend and got horrendously drunk. I just wanted one night to escape, one night where my life didn't revolve around babies, injections, keeping track of dates on a calendar, I just wanted one night to be myself and not have any children around and just enjoy adult company. And that's what I got. I had a great night, i had lots of fun, but at the end of the day its not the answer. I felt guilty for losing focus, i just cant entirely enjoy it like I used to before all this fertility madness started because unfortunately there is something alot bigger and more important than going out drinking at the moment and I just need to keep on track. When I woke up the next day, my big problem was still there, only this time it was there with the world's worst hangover and a lost eftpos card!!

When you go out drinking and go to a busy bar you don't really expect to see children right? well now I have seen everything. In a really busy bar, there he was, a little baby boy propped up on the bar, normal as anything, he could have just been a bottle of beer as far as anyone else was concerned, apparently this was normal and no one noticed, except me of course, I was just thinking "for goodness sake, give me one night, one damn night without babies" i could have quite easily picked up a beer bottle and clobbered the little boy over the head! Get out of this bar, and go to bed!

It was a good night and I had fun, but I really don't think I can do it again, or want to for that matter. IVF number 2 starts in April, so I really need to get real and get back to the healthy living. I never got home to 3ish in the morning, then woke up feeling damn awful. I had a sleep and felt better, but then the next night I was in some terrible pain, I had awful stomach pains and was just in a real bad way, I even had to sleep in the spare room as I couldn't stop moving around, I think that perhaps it wasn't a hangover at this point and I think it was the booze mixed with the remaining drugs in my system that caused this, not good.

I tell you what, before I had this big weight on my shoulders, I was a drinker, I could drink till the wee hours, I was a bag of laughs (or so I thought I was when I was drunk). Me and my friends had a great time, getting up to all sorts of madness, doing all sorts of crazy things, going to crazy party's, and always waking up the next morning with a great story to tell and some suspicious memorabilia scattered on the bedroom floor from the night before. It was great. It was easy. There weren't other things to consider, I drank and that was it, I didn't really have a reason to worry about what it was all doing to my body. Now I do. Gone are the easy breezy days. I'm sure it will come back one day, perhaps when I'm having a mid life crisis when I'm 40 or something.

I always tend to go full steam ahead and cant drink in moderation, I just don't know when to jump off that booze train, I just keep on going till I break down. And I broke down. But it's ok, we all need a blow out now and then and to let off some steam, and I did just that, now I have jumped off the booze train and am waiting at the station to get on the baby train, which in the long term will be alot more rewarding than being on that booze train.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

A baby is born

Today a baby is born. And obviously not mine. A friend of mine gave birth to a little boy this afternoon. I love her dearly and she is not just a friend to me but far more than that. Her and her husband deserve all the happiness in the world, they truly do and I am happy for them so very much. But.......there is always a but.

This morning I got a text message from her telling me she started labour at about 1am and was heading into hospital soon, I obviously knew this was going to happen any day, any minute but when I heard it, it was just hard. All I kept picturing all day was her and her husband in hospital going through this amazing thing and having the most amazing day ever (sore but amazing). Her husband text me just recently to tell me the news. I don't in any way want this post to sound like I'm not so happy for her, but it's bloody hard. Its bittersweet. This friend of mine, is the type of friend one could only dream of having, throughout her whole pregnancy she was so conscious that this was hard for me and never went on and on about it and never once did she upset me, she has been a brilliant support to me and I'm forever grateful for that.  

I had discussed with her that when the baby is born, I will come visit alone. I have 2 other very close friends that will be going to visit, and it would be fantastic to all go and see her together, the way it should be, 4 closest friends sharing in a miracle. But I cant. I explained to her that it's just a bit too hard, and I'm not in a stable enough place to do that yet. She deserves all the glory and deserves all the attention and to get all the "oh he's so cute" "oh wow your amazing" and all the things that are said to a new mother, and I don't want to take any of that away from her. I don't want my other 2 friends to worry about what they say in front of me incase it upsets me, I don't want them to hold back. So that is why I have decided to go and visit her alone. And I guess that will be another post, how I dealt with having a brand new baby in my arms that still wasn't mine.Brace yourself for that one.

So I will brave the children's shops this weekend, and find a gift for the baby, and for mum and for her little 2yr old girl, and better not leave out dad, food always works well there. I will be the best friend I can be for her and put on my brave face when I go to see her, I may cry but I think it will be a mixture of tears of joy to see a new baby brought into this world and tears of sorrow that this very special event reminds me so much of my sorrow.

My advice I guess is if you are ever in a situation like this, don't lose a great friend because you are too sad and scared to join in in their happiness. Take it slow and do what you can to show you care and show your happiness and if they are worth having as a friend they will respect this and just get it. 

I would so love to be in her position more than words can ever express. But I'm just not. I will be one day but for now I am an empty shell carrying nothing but my pain and envy. I know that soon will be replaced with a baby, but in the meantime I will try not to let that pain and envy stop me from sharing in her miracle. 

A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank balances smaller, homes happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten and the future worth living for. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Worst of the bad bunch

I feel like I'm even coming last in the blogging world. I feel like the worst of a bad bunch, yes probably a bit dramatic but I look over the blogs I follow and quite a few of them have now turned into pregnancy blogs. I always feel like I'm in the worse situation in real life, everyone else can conceive, and quickly, or they have babies and I'm left behind. But now I'm starting to even feel like this in my blogging world. I feel like I'm getting up there with some of the worse case stories. Some people are only on there first ever fertility treatment, and I'm not saying what they are going through isn't hard, but I'm starting to feel like I'm one of the worst cases on here. And that sucks. I am no longer a rookie, more a pro.

So many bloggers have had a positive result, and had a miscarriage, which I know is just terrible, and I feel for them really, but understand how I feel, I haven't even had that joy of getting a positive. Not even once! I just feel pissed off. Is there something else wrong with me that has been missed.

I am now wanting to find some woman very similar to me, so if you read this and are similar please leave a message, or if you are a regular follower and know of another woman's blog who sounds just like mine please also let me know. Firstly I'm not that old, only 29yrs so why is it so hard. Secondly all my endo has been removed so in theory there is nothing wrong with me. My husband's sperm is above average on all aspects. I am doing everything known to man to help my body, we have been trying for 2yrs & 1mth. We have done 3 cycles of IUI's, with clomid. We have done 1 IVF, resulting in an obvious negative and no frozen embryos! So what the hell is happening!!!! 

I've had a funny few days, where do I begin. I wont go on too much, but I've had a few annoying comments and opinions hurled at me over the last few days. Comments and opinions that have put me into a negative state again, so I'm really mad at that. I didn't ask for it, and now I'm left feeling shit. I hope this weeks acupuncture sorts out those feeling's and calms me again.But as I always believe, where there is bad, there is good, I ran into someone yesterday who was just spot on. Her reaction's to our recent fail were just right. She didn't patronise me by telling me 'its ok it will happen soon', infact she actually barely said anything, but that was what was so golden about it, she listened and told me she was thinking of me. She really listened to me properly, as we both sat on  the floor of the public library with kids everywhere, after having attended a kids music session. I don't need to hear facts and figures and people's bullshit, I just need a listening ear and someone who is positive and has faith.

My chance for pregnancy this month has been and gone now, I ovulated, I had sex, I flung my legs in the air, I pretended I was riding a bicycle in mid air, I visualised our baby (a new technique I've fostered, may as well give it a whirl), so now I'm either pregnant, (well getting there, we all know it takes alot, sperm in egg, cells dividing, blastocyst and implantation) or I'm just not. Simple as that.

So yes, nothing too funny to be said at the moment, let me just say where there is a bunch of banana's I'm the rotten one, a bunch of grapes and I'm the soft one, a bunch of idiots, and I'm the fucken leader.  I am the worse stem in a bunch of dying roses. Please help me come back to life. 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Fifth time lucky?

Fifth time lucky. Is there such a thing as fifth time lucky? I know it's always third time lucky, "oh don't you worry my love, third time lucky aye". Well our third time has been and gone, so fifth time lucky? Or will I be asking this when we have been through like 10 fertility treatments, shit I hope not, will I still be clinging onto hope when I'm old and sitting in a rocking chair saying to my gardener guy " bring in some more veges love, we need to keep healthy for the next IVF, oh oh careful, I left my walking stick on the lawn, don't trip over it".

After 4 fertility treatments and 2 long years, I know my body so damn well, I'm so tuned into every twinge. This was obvious yesterday, I knew exactly what was going on down there. I was ovulating. And how did I know this? well seriously it felt like my right ovary was housing an egg the size of a basketball. It was alot more obvious than previous ovulation's. Could I have felt this time more because it was my first cycle after the IVF? does that make a difference? Has anyone else experienced this? The egg has now been released into the big wide world of gardener guys sperm, so I don't feel it anymore today. I hope with all the nourishing that's been going on during my acupuncture appointment's that my inside's are like some kind of exclusive resort where everyone wants to be, but only the hippest and hottest get in, goodbye to all those unemployed slow sluggish, confused sperm, hello to all the smart, fast, worldly savvy sperm. The egg is waiting, lounging around on one of those sun loungers by the pool, go and get it!

Apart from natural ovulation the weekend has been uneventful, (did I actually just imply that ovulation was eventful? oh dear). Our summer has all of a sudden decided to pack up and leave, very rudely without any warning I must say, one second I'm squeezing myself into a pair of shorts I wore pre fertility drugs, then I'm hastily squeezing myself into a pair of warm pants. But no, seriously I'm happy to report the swollen fertility drug stomach we all know so well seems to have gone down, and I almost feel back to my normal self, although there are still a couple of kilos hanging around, but to be honest I don't really know if I care enough to be bothered struggling to lose them. That bloated swollen stomach will be back again when the drugs start in April so why kill myself trying to solve something that Is only going to resurface again. Stupid drugs.

Fifth time lucky for us, I hope so, otherwise you are going to have to continue to read the same shit month after month, I need some new material!

Friday, March 4, 2011

All the letters of life

I imagine some of the great letter's wrote around the world over time would be love letter's, perhaps sent to a husband at war who you haven't seen for years, reassuring him of your love and devotion. A letter from a mother to her daughter whom she has never met, telling her how hard it was to give her up all those years ago, but her heart's still aches to know her. A letter from one old friend to another saying their last goodbye's as they leave this world and conveying their long love of such a great friendship. Letters from a fertility clinic, are not on the list of the greatest letter's even wrote. No they are not, but when clearing out my bedside table the other day, unfortunately these are the letter's I am left looking at.

Letters of hope. Letters of apology, "we are sorry your last treatment with us was not a success". Above, the picture shows some of the letters and paperwork of crap I have clogging up my bedside drawers. No sweet letters there. Bills, receipts, treatment information, treatment plans, letter's of treatment outcomes, letters of surgery dates. No letters of love, no letters saying "we love you, now here is a baby for you, enjoy". 

People just don't write letter's anymore, (except for fertility clinic's of course) but blogging I think is a form of letter writing. Getting all your emotions out, keeping people updated on your treatments. I guess it's like a lazy person's letter, one letter for everyone to read. So i better update you in this one. Healthy eating still going well, I do feel like eating some fatty food and chocolate, so if I really want it I'm just going to have it, I'm still never going near chicken again, unless organic, it's just nasty, so that's all fine. Next doctors appointment is on the 1st April and our doctor will then write up our next IVF treatment plan. Acupuncture again last night, we were given some more pills to take, these new ones are mineral's apparently. Gardener guy is to now take 3 of these a day as am I, which takes my pill total to 7 a day! goodness me. Our acupuncturist kept saying last night that all these tablets and the acupuncture was nourishing my body. I don't know how many times he said nourish, but it was alot. So there you go, I'm being nourished as we speak. 
Ill leave you with a passage from one of the greatest letters of all time, "You are my princess and I am your prince forever, no matter what. You truly mean the world to me". That was written to me, by my husband a few years ago (I did have one non fertility letter tucked away in the draw). It may not be quiet as deep as Napoleon's love letter to Josephine where he says "my one and only Josephine, apart from you there is no joy, away from you the world is a desert where I am alone and cannot open my heart" But I think Gardner Guy's is not too bad. 

Your man should always treat you as a princess especially in this hard time, where you receive many letter's of hope then dismay, but never one with quite the right words. But sometimes the greatest letters in life are not the one's of love and happiness but the ones of tragedy and heartache, because where there is tragedy and heartache there is always some happiness just around the corner and a happier letter just a post stamp away.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Nothing to say

So the woman who always has something to say has come to a brick wall. The woman being me, and the brick wall being Infertility. I have nothing to say about Infertility. There just isn't much going on at the moment. Yes we are still going well on the healthy eating, boring....... we are still trying to conceive the old fashioned way which is slightly more fun than healthy eating, we are eating so many oats and bran and all that healthy garbage that we are shitting from here to Africa. I'm still popping the Chinese herbal pills everyday and acupuncture again tomorrow but that's all really. No interesting stories about eggs, sperm, needles, operations, vaginal pessaries. Sorry but there's just nothing. 

Despite my previous posts about staying positive, looking forward to the future and getting on with it all and not falling into a hole again, well despite all this it doesn't mean I don't still feel a bit down. the last few days I just feel a bit shitty. Me and gardener guy just feel a bit pissed off and low. Maybe it is because there isn't much going on at the moment, I don't know, I'm not happy. Although I say I'm not going to let all this beat me, it doesn't change the fact that I'm just not happy. It doesn't really go away, you watch tv, there are pregnant people and babies, you  go out there are pregnant people, (I should say pregnant woman, I would be surprised if I saw a pregnant man, although knowing my luck there are probably a few men out there that have better chance of conceiving than me) and like I have also said in a previous post sometimes it's just easier to stay behind closed doors. But I'm not going to go on about that, enough said. 

I'm sure in the next few days something interesting will come up for me to blog about, but for now I apologise for having nothing to say. I'm sure there will be a meltdown, some kind of cheeky story about baby making,an inappropriate tale with far too much intimate information. It will all come again, so don't you fear. 

One last thing I was thinking about earlier today was all the friends and family that read my blog. And know all my intimate details, and all my innermost thoughts, what must they all think of me now! I wonder. Next time I see a cousin or a friend I haven't seen in a while, will they be thinking, ' I know you have pushed your fat ass into a baby bath to soothe your flaming fanny, I know how you feel when you see babies, I know you feel mad when another woman get's pregnant again before you, I know your irrational thoughts, your sad moods, your crazy moods, I know when your husband is jacking off into a cup, I know that smile your giving me may not be real, I basically know all your gory unedited details. Because I have such great people in my life i hope it's more likely that when they see me they are thinking, I know how you feel and I respect that. I don't mind that your mad, I don't mind that your sad and who cares about all the other creepy stuff because we love you anyhow. 

You know the saying, If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Well in my case If I don't have anything interesting to say,  I should just shut the hell up. So that's what I will do. For now anyhow.