Friday, December 24, 2010

NEGATIVE....Story of my life

The clinic just rang and unfortunately it was negative. The nurse told me that she was really sorry to say this to me again and her words were "We are really going to need to crank things up, and do IVF". Since these 3 IUI's havent worked it's unlikely that it will work naturally, so IVF it will be. We have an appointment on Jan 17th with our doctor and we are hoping that we can qualify for funding, otherwise paying it will be! either way IVF will be happening early new year.I never would have imagined I would ever get to this point, IVF has always been seen as something people with huge problems do, is that really me? Obviously it is.

At the moment I'm feeling very upset. Towards the end of my phone conversation with the nurse I started to lose it, shed a few tears, poor nurse, didn't want to make her feel bad, so managed to only just hold it together. I  Text a few people that were waiting to hear, and rang my husband. I hate telling people, its very unpleasant. My husband was pissed off, concerned I was ok, what more can I say, the poor man will now have to endure IVF with me. I'm also so mad at myself for letting myself think otherwise, letting myself get stupid hope in my head, thinking I might be pregnant, what a joke, pregnancy is never going to happen for me, I'm just going to have to watch from the sidelines at other people's happiness.That's how I feel at the moment.

I'm sorry there wasn't happier news to report, All i ever do these days is tell people sad news, cry and have this constant cloud over my head, when will this end? when will this bad feeling leave me? I do know ill be more upbeat and full of hope when the IVF starts, after all the success rates are so much higher. I hope during the IVF I can continue to chat with some of you ladies that are also going to start IVF. We need to beat it, One of us at a time, till we are all fat and pregnant!

Till then all I can do is look after my husband and let him look after me.One day we will hold our baby, We just have to, till that day ill never give up, no matter how many of these low days like today I have. Ill never give up.

ps: this will be my last post till 1st Jan,as we are going away this afternoon.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Was it the Subway?

Today I am not working. It all started last night. I started to get a really bad headache that got worse and worse. Then i started to feel sick. Anyhow ended up going to bed and couldn't even watch tv in bed as felt too sick (this is so unlike me). Had a really bad sleep, got up about 6 times, had weird dreams, was  roasting hot, then I woke at 5am and decided I wasn't going to work today.I feel a little better now though.

So I have a list of reason's as to why I feel this way......

1. I ate a chicken subway yesterday, could have been dodgy (top culprit)
2. I have a stomach bug
3. I have nothing wrong with me and my mental state has become worse than I though
4. I am pregnant.

So as you can see there are 3 rubbish options and one amazing one. Which one is it, we will know tomorrow, well we may never know if the chicken subway was dodgy, but we will know if im pregnant.

I have been so nervous today, I dont really know if im leaning towards one way, as I have no clue. I am working tomorrow so ill try keep busy till I get the result's phone call in the afternoon, then ill put a new post up. i apologize in advance if tomorrow's post is glum. I do not apologize if tomorrow's post is over the top! fingers crossed.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A touch of colour

A touch of colour is normally good. A touch of colour on your outfit = good. A touch of colour when you are decorating your house = good, A touch of colour on your eyes and lips = good, A touch of colour on my knickers = Bad.

Being only 2 days away from my results mean's im constantly checking down there. Any sign of colour for me means it's all over. As many of you will know this is just so horrible, and I almost become frightened to go to the toilet. If I dont see it, it hasn't really happened.

I don't really expect it to come early, my period is very polite like that and come's exactly when expected. But till the result I will continue checking down there, hoping for nothing. Sometime's I close my eyes then take a deep breath, give myself a pep talk and look! Is this just me? or do you do weird thing's too?

If I do happen to see a touch of colour, perhaps I should go out and buy a red dress, paint the house red and buy some fancy red lip stick. Just to colour co ordinate of course. Just as well my period doesn't arrive in an off green colour.!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

More Rain, Screaming Children and Frizzy Hair

Rain, Screaming children and frizzy hair are not a good combo. Lets be honest, frizzy hair is never cool, now add the rain and the unhappy Children, well that's just a disaster!

It is so hot today and pouring with rain and the children I look after and my hair are not liking it! It is so humid. This week is horrible, Im ready for a break and my results and everything else just seems a pain.

I look outside, the rain stops, then oh no it comes back worse than before. I look at the kids, they are grumpy and quite frankly probably had a guts full of me, Goodness I must be like the most tedious person to spend a whole week with. poor buggers. I look at my hair and oh shit! the humidity is making it a frizzy mess. I put it up, I look worse, I put it down, it's dry..... We are having no luck today with anything. Yoghurt has been spilt on the floor, Poo's have been on the floor, tantrums have been had on the floor.

I think perhaps let's just go and stand out in the rain, ease the kids frustration's and my Frizz!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Tick Tock Tick Tock

The clock is going slow, im now desperate to know my result. Today is Monday morning, and the Clinic will ring my Friday afternoon. I had a phone call from them this morning, just to check in. They are all very sweet and there is one nurse in particular that looks after me and I really like her and feel comfortable chatting to her so I am pleased for that. 

Im so scared, I need this to be a positive, It will be Christmas Eve, how am I meant to put on a happy face and get into Christmas. It cant be negative. Although it probably will be, that's all Im used to, so that's all I know. The thought of having to go pay for IVF with the chance that may also not work is awful. Of course we will do that, and its not the toll it will take on my body im worried about, it's the end result.I can cope with feeling horrible physically, it's the mental aspect of this all that I really struggle with.

So there is no other option, Positive it has to be.I cant be upset again. I cant upset my Gardener Guy again. This week is going to possibly be the worse week so far of this whole IUI journey. Iv'e got everything riding on this. Why cant I just be lucky for once! 

Till friday I will just have to keep watching that clock as it turns slowly slowly slowly........ 

Sunday, December 19, 2010

That's what friends are for

 To have good friends through this Infertility journey makes all the difference. Friend's who don't tire of hearing you constantly talk about your periods, your drugs, your moods, your doctor's appts, creepy things like sperm samples, vaginal examinations and all that grose stuff!. Friend's who want to hear about everything and follow your every step of the way, friends who really are genuinely interested. These are the type of friend's we should all have. Even if you just have one friend like this you are lucky, for me iv'e been fortunate enough to have 3 friends in particular who have really stood up to the plate for me and made me feel like whatever the next day brings they will still be around and will never stop supporting and fighting this fight with me. Although they don't fully understand what it's like (& I would never wish something like this upon them) that doesn't stop them from throwing themselves in with me and saying "up your's infertility, we are going to win"!

On more than one occasion we have likened ourselves to the "sex and the city" girls. We have never quite worked out which one of us is which one of them, but the concept is still the same, 4 woman who are different in many ways but at the end of the day all sit down together and have a cocktail and a damn good laugh. And constantly remain good friends. And that friendship is what get's me through hard time's. So if you read this and you know who you are, I can never thank you enough for the love and support you girls give me. I only hope one day my children find 3 such precious friends.x

Saturday, December 18, 2010

The 2 Little Poppits

Today me and my Gardener Guy did our Xmas shopping and went round to my cousin's house who lives just 5 minutes away. She has 2 children who I love to death, A 3yr old boy and 17mth old girl. I see the children alot and really love seeing them, although sometimes when im feeling fragile I find this hard, as they are just so damn cute and sweet and say cute thing's to their mum, that it pinch's a nerve. Not often, just sometimes.My husband is so cute and sweet with them and for the first time, the 3yr old called Gardener Guy "Uncle"..... which is so cute as it had just been me referred to as Aunty.

So to sum it up, to anyone who know's  me and has children and reads this, know that I love seeing your children and am likely to be happy to see them, but also know it can be hard and sad that you have what I want. Just so you know.

Friday, December 17, 2010

7 Days to go!

Only 7 day's to go till I get my blood test, or my stupid period turns up. I refuse to do an early result pregnancy test as have done that before and made myself worse, I kept thinking maybe it's wrong, and generally just drove myself mental.

I've now hit that mental stage, I think there's things going on with my body that probably aren't. I have bad skin at the mo, which seems a bit weird as normally don't get that till a few days before my period. But then again that could be anything. Other than that I did think my stomach felt weird earlier, but that has gone, so that probably wasn't anything.

Im looking forward to a break over Xmas and getting away for a few day's with just my husband. But when we do get back and get back to work and have our Specialist's Appt on the 17th Jan, Im fully prepared to throw myself back into it all, back into the drugs and give IVF a bloody good go. (that's assuming the worse, that this IUI hasn't worked). I will do whatever it takes, I will put my body through whatever I have to, this is my goal and Im not about to give up.

But seriously I really wonder how the hell this hasn't worked, My Gardener Guy has great sperm, My endometriosis has all been removed, we are doing the IUI's, god it's like I want to scream out "for god sake sperm, what the heck are you doing, your fast, your strong, the egg is right there, get in there!! dont be shy, it wont hurt you, DO IT DO IT" but no.......... or maybe they try really hard and my weird toxic body isn't into it.? According to all the nurse's that have done my IUI's I have a very tricky cervix. Well brilliant! Anyhow what can you do, lets just hope that one of those sperm took the plunge and though "hey im going to try something new here, and poke myself into that weird egg" and lets hope another one followed and did the same to the second egg. We would love twins, after all my husband need's some helper's in the garden.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dream's are free, Children are not.

Children are not free, Children are expensive. I ran into someone today who pointed this out for me.  Children cost so much money, my kids need this and want that, Nappie's and Formula every week, blah blah blah. All this was pointed out to me today from a parent of 2 young ones. Well guess what, your lucky you have children to spend money on, your lucky you haven't spend $6,000 on trying to get a child to then spend money on, and still not have one. So what do I think about you telling me how much children cost, I think your one damn lucky person to have 2 special expensive people who bleed you dry of all your saving's and keep you up all night and generally rule your every though, but at the end of the day tell you they love you. oh poor you!

So children aren't free, but dreams are. And I have these all the time. My latest one is receiving amazing news of a positive result on the 24th Dec, and being able to go to my parent's for Christmas, walking through the door and telling them that we have the best Xmas gift ever for them, that they are going to be grandparents. I dream of not being able to drink over the Christmas season and feeling great about that, when people ask me why im not having a glass of wine, to finally be able to say those words to them. I dream of ringing Gardener Guy's Parents who live in England and telling them they will be grandparents. I dream of ringing my 3 closest friend's and screaming down the phone that im pregnant, and them being so happy and excited for me. But most of all I dream of the day when I can look at my husband and say the words "your going to be a dad". 

Dreams are free right, I hope my dream's become a reality, then I can moan about how much children cost.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Time for some questions. ???

So, I have a few questions today and hope some of you can answer them. None of my friend's in the real world have done fertility treatment, so it's nice to share and get some answer's from fellow bloggers.

1. Did any of you Lady's on clomid put on any weight? I have put on 2kgs. Not sure if this is the clomid or because iv'e got nothing better to do than eat all day and night. Cant go out and do fun stuff as cant afford to (we have had to pay for all our treatment ourselves and in NZ that has been almost $6,000 for the 3 rounds) Cant go out for a drink with my friend's, as am not drinking obviously, and again no money to go out to bars. So food is my favourite past time at the moment....actually who am I kidding, food is always my favourite past time.

2. If you have done iui's and failed then moved onto IVF, how did you find it on your body, was it worse than iui's. Did you take more drugs etc..?

3. If you have had a successful positive pregnancy test (and sorry if you lost it) what were the pregnancy symptoms if any you noticed prior to positive blood test?

4. Have any of you had counseling or been to any support groups?

5. Do you often think that it's actually never going to happen to me? Im constantly like this, I think "well it's not going to happen, im going to be in this mood for ever so get used to it, this is my life". But then a few hours or days later ill be all " I think this time it's worked, I am feeling positive". loopy loppy!!

Thank you all for the nice comments so far and hope you like reading my blog.  Only 9 days till the blood test, jesus it's like counting down your last days on earth. Well perhaps not that bad, there's that dramatic part of me again!.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Get out of my way, Im next in line!

I really do feel like it's my turn. I have been through a few friend's and some people i worked for getting pregnant and I do feel like it's my turn. Me thinking it's my time makes me really terrified that another close friend will tell me she is pregnant, just out of the blue. I know it's selfish of me to think people should put having a baby on hold just to spare my feeling's but I really think i've been through enough and I should be next. This may sound out of order but this blog isn't going to be about worrying about what other people think.

Has anyone felt this way, and had yet another friend become pregnant without barely trying? how do you cope with this over and over again? 

Today im ok, My Gardener Guy is home with a cold, so have some company. That's about all to report today. Look forward to receiving some comments.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Had it with other people's children!

Today is Monday, which means back to work. Which for me means back to being around children. I care for children in my own home, so switching off and not thinking about children is never really an option for me. I have been in childcare for 10 or so years, and as I said, Ive had it with other people's children.

Probably over the past month it has started to get to me, I put all my energy and childcare skills and knowledge into other people's children and i've had enough.Im not about to pack up work but I guess it really Intensifies the fact that i do not have a child of my own. Im constantly surrounded by annoying mothers at playgroups etc, ranting and raving about sleeping, breast feeding and all that other crap. Ive even had the odd mother ask me why I dont have my own children! Bitches.... And everytime I have to explain that the boys I look after aren't mine, well its like taking a bullet. So over the last week or so iv'e been laying low at home as cant deal with it.

So today is another day closer to my result day. Im not analizing things yet, as still have quite some time to go, but i do constantly think about how Im meant to gather myself up if i get bad news and be all happy for xmas. My Gardener Guy is always really good, but even he is sometimes lost for things to say to me. I really sympathize with all these woman, and the next time one of those smug mothers ask you why you don't have children tell her "it's because I really don't want to risk bringing another child into the world as ugly as yours"!!! Go on I dare you!

My Madness laid on the table

At the moment I am on CD14 (cycleday) so still 12 days away from my blood test to determine if this bloody iui has worked. At this point im feeling normal.....for me this really starts to go down hill the closer I get to the blood test day, then the crazier i become.

From the last 2 iui's my madness is something that really cant be controlled. I start to obsess over every small feeling i get, ohhh...... I felt a wee twinge, that must be implantation cramps. ohh....... My boobs seem bigger, I must be pregnant. ohhhh......Im starving, that's it im pregnant, well actually no, im just a Hungry pig. Also i start to become an obsessive googler, looking for symptoms, other people's stories etc. This really isn't a healthy way to live, but then i cant really control it.I wish i could just relax and chill the hell out, but if you are a woman struggling to get pregnant I guess behaving this way is normal.

going back a week or so ago, I was having a really hard few days, Im not sure what brought it on, or why, but I got myself into a really dark place, i just felt terrible, so low and waking up and not being able to see anything past this awful mood.I dont know how I pulled myself out of it or even when I did, but somehow im feeling better, more positive and feeling quite proud of myself for managing to cope with such a soul destroying, exhausting thing. But in saying that I often feel like im being very dramatic and over the top and being such an idiot by constantly bugging my family and friends and going on and on and on........ So as you can see im pretty much all over the place!

Im glad to have finished my 3months worth of clomiphene and the ovidrel trigger injections (horrid)! So now i can look forward to being drug free over the xmas break and either pregnant and overjoyed or not pregnant and able to enjoy a glass of wine or 10.If it is the latter im going to be honest and say I will need lots of help and support during IVF. but hey lets cross that bridge when we get to it.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Welcome to my blog

Hi, This is my first blog entry about my journey to achieve the elusive positive pregnancy test I so long for. First of all i would like to apologize to anyone who may be reading this, on my terrible design effort, really is not my thing, but its not always about appearance, more what is deeper. Also not entirely sure why I have picked this weird picture of a baby in an egg shell???? Kinda cute?! Hmmmm........Although I haven't given birth, I am aware it will not come out looking clean and sleeping in an egg shell. Anyhow......

As written in my profile Information, me and my gardener guy are still struggling with this struggle we call infertility. After naturally trying for a long time and having my endometriosis removed I did think we would get pregnant, then after my appt to start our iui's i thought, yes these will work, but here we are at number 3 and waiting to see if this has worked.

I decided to start my own blog after having followed a few woman's blogs as I found it quite helpful for me. Im hoping this will help me get out some tricky emotions I have been battling with, perhaps writing it down will help. I also hope that if someone stumbles upon my blog that it will help them in some way.

So currently on 2ww (two week wait) of our 3rd IUI. Had so many up's and down's but am currently feeling ok..... OK is about all i can squeeze out. so please join me if you can handle putting up with my future rants.