Tuesday, May 31, 2011

My happy little eggs are out

Hi all. I have just woken from a 2 hour sleep and am still feeling pretty fragile but thought I had better update you all. My eggs are out and safe in the lab, and no I didn't just get 2 eggs as the picture suggests, but lets just say these are my 2 happiest who were up to having a picture taken. so vein.....wonder where they get that from!

So I went into the clinic this morning feeling pretty nervous, mostly about getting the OHSS afterwards, but after some kind words from the nurses I wasn't so concerned about that anymore. When we got there gardener guy was taken away again to go and give his sample, he had his computer with porn on it again ready for a viewing! you must understand he is not some kind of creep, it's just that in the 'wanking rooms', shall we call them, they only have a selection of terrible porn magazines that look like they stepped right out of the 1980's!, big hair and all, not so sexy, so he decided to take his laptop and use visual porn as an aide so to speak. He even put a gardening book in his bag this morning and I said to him "are you going to wank off to plants", just for the record he wasn't! it was to read when I was in recovery, but hey whatever gets him going aye!!! these days it wouldn't surprise me if he was more turned on by a pair of pansies than a pair of boobs. Anyhow off track a bit there...... so after he was done and I was taken into my cubicle and changed into my fetching gown and we went to see the scientist for a run down of the next few days, we had heard this all from last time so it was just a refresher and to check my details for him to be able to call me with results over the next few days. We will be either having a 3 day transfer on Friday or a 5 day transfer on Sunday, we are hoping that the embryos will be strong enough and there will be enough of them to let them go to a 5 day, as with a 5 day blastocyst they are alot stronger and it increases the pregnancy rate, but that's not to say a 3 day transfer wont make me pregnant, I have know many people that now have a beautiful baby from a 3 day transfer.

The next job was to get the IV in my arm, and was that a job. As I have said before I have terrible small veins making me a nightmare to get anything in. The first attempt in my arm was very sore and failed, the nurse just couldn't get it in right so she could flush out the vein,so we got taken through into theatre and they tried in there, the second attempt had to be in my hand and an IV in the hand is even more sore, as the nurse tried again it was bloody sore! there was lots of pushing around in the vein but it just wasn't working so out that one came, no good. On the 3rd attempt she tried in my wrist and by this stage I was fed up, I had been poked and prodded to high heaven and they just couldn't get anything in my arm as it was so bruised, so in the wrist she went and finally she got it in properly and was able to administer the drugs. The nurses kept telling me how great I had done to put up with all that and that I really deserved these pain killers! so she got them in right away. For anyone who hasn't had a local anesthetic, well I recommend you do! steal some do whatever you have to do to get some! the feeling of still being awake yet feeling completely out of it is great. I was given that along with a sedative and I had already had 3 panadol so I was pretty much covered.

So common already your probably thinking!!! how many eggs. Well we got a grand total of 9 eggs. The clinic was really pleased with this, they didn't want me to get too many as too many eggs equals crap quality. The ideal is between 6 and 10, so getting 9 is pretty damn good, enough to work with without them all being rubbish. So tomorrow I will get a call from the scientist to let me know how many of those fertilized and we will be on our way to making a baby, or should I say the lab will be on their way to making our baby.

As for the Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome I am at risk of getting, I was told that they are not to know weather I have gotten this until I come in for my embryo transfer, they will then do a abdomen scan to see if I have a build up of fluid and if I do the doctor will make the call as to weather I can have a transfer or if all embryos will need to be frozen and used at a later date when I'm well enough. Of course there are some signs I can watch out for to indicate I may have the OHSS, mostly shortness of breath, sudden weight gain, bloating and abdomen pain. I can help myself and get ready for transfer by drinking as much fluid everyday as humanly possible, so gardener guy has assured me he will be on my case about that. Till embryo transfer day all we can really do is pray and hope I am well enough to have my little baby transferred inside me. The worse case scenario is I have OHSS and my embryos are not strong enough to freeze and this cycle has gone down the drain as well as our $10,000. But lets hope I will transfer a nice strong embryo and hopefully have some more brothers or sisters to freeze, I just have to think like that, I cant get all negative at this stage of the game, we have got so far and we will continue.

How am I feeling now? well after my sleep I feel less drowsy but still feel like I could sleep some more, I am alot more sore than I was with the last retrieval, but I was told to expect that, I just feel a bit tender in my stomach area so am keeping up with the panadol. I am bleeding a wee bit, but actually not as much as last time. Emotionally I am fucked, seriously I don't think my brain can take much more, I just want this to work so much, I have absolutely had it, its hard having all this stress and worry and what if this what if that piled on top of me, I am so ready to get some great news, I really think I deserve it, having something else go wrong in this cycle is just to much to bear, I just pray overnight we get some really great results and I hope that our embryos have as much fight in them as me and my husband.

For now I'm off to move from my bed to the couch and watch some tv if I can stay awake and I will drink a big glass of water. I will let you know the fertilization report tomorrow, thanks again to all my friends and family for their support, I know it has been a long road and I'm glad you haven't made a u turn on me to find an easier road, and lets remember short cuts always get you lost and the long winding bumpy road always leads to the destination in the end.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

15 Follicles, an egg collection date and possible OHSS!

Our new follicle count this morning was 15! Yes since Friday's scan another 5 follicles have caught up and we now have 15! As me and gardener guy listened to the count go up and up we kind of just looked at each other like ' huh? we have more?'.

Now let me begin by telling you the doctor that did the scan this morning is not my cup of tea! I just don't like him, he is a bit brash and has a really weird sense of humour and is not very sensitive, I am so pleased he isn't my specialist, anyhow he did the scan and I asked if it was good that we now have more follicles and he answered yes and no, its great to see more, as more follicles means more eggs which obviously means more eggs for Gardener guys sperm to fertilize which means more embryos to work with, but on the other hand we don't want too many eggs all of poor quality, but only time will tell, we just have to wait till egg retrieval and see what we get. Now let me get back to what I was saying about this weirdo doctor, I feel like he keeps trying to make me feel like a fool, he asked me what level my estrogen was, i said to him "I don't know", then he said "well of course you don't know, the nurse hasn't processed it yet", now to me that just seemed like a completely pointless exchange of words, He also makes other really weird comments and I'm just not in the mood for his poor attempts at humour, but oh well he knows his job so that's the main thing.

He was a little concerned about my estrogen levels, he said they were getting to the dangerously high stage, if they go over a certain level it becomes dangerous for me, and we got the blood results back this afternoon and they were on the very high stage, the doctor who has been at the clinic for the longest made the call to go ahead with retrieval but the problem is I am now at risk of developing OHSS, for those of you who are unaware of what this is, well basically the fertility drugs over stimulate the ovaries and the ovaries can become swollen and fluid can leak into the belly and chest area, OHSS occurs after the eggs are released from the ovaries, so the doctors will keep a close eye on me after the egg retrieval and hopefully I don't develop OHSS. If I do get it severely I wont be able to have an embryo transfer as my body will not be up to that and all the embryos will have to be frozen and used later when the OHSS has cleared up. Symptoms of OHSS include weight gain very quickly, bloating, pain in abdomen, shortness of breath, vomiting. So lets hope I don't get it, as from reading Krista's blog - 'diary of taking small steps towards baby steps' when she had OHSS it sounded like a nightmare and being off work and feeling like I'm dying is not something I need right now.

We have our egg retrieval scheduled for Tuesday at 10am,I have been told to expect it to be a bit more painful this time as they have more follicles to get out, but hopefully they give me some extra anesthetic if this becomes to much of an issue, as I said to the doctor, I don't care about the pain, I can take it and it doesn't really matter to me, I'm so focused on getting my baby I don't care how much pain I have to go through.

So quite alot of drama today, I now have another issue to worry about, I didn't expect to need to be concerned with OHSS, its just another damn thing, as if I haven't had enough shit, now it could possibly get far worse, but it hasn't happened yet and lets just wait and see once they get the eggs out what my body does.

Yesterday I was lucky to get a break from blood tests and scans so we decided to do something nice as the weather was so good, winter but a lovely sunny day, so we went to Stagland's, which is a wildlife reserve not too far from where we live. We had a really nice time feeding all the animals and even though we seemed to be the only couple there without children I wasn't too fazed. Animals are really therapeutic, as silly as that sounds I just didn't think about infertility and being unhappy the whole time I was there, I had so much fun. I just wanted to pack all the animals up and take them home. If we cant have children, having a horse, a goat, some pigs, a deer and a few peacocks lurking round the house will be sure to keep us busy.

As egg retrieval looms I am feeling scared and worried about all the possible things that can go wrong but all in all I feel in my heart that this will all work out, In just over 2 weeks we will find out if our life is going to change forever, we will find out if we get what we have been waiting and struggling so long for, Fingers, toes, arms and legs crossed (well not legs, legs open), that this all works out and all this misery comes to an end.

Friday, May 27, 2011

IVF 2 Update - More probeing.

Just a quick update as I cant be bothered. I'm bloody tired today and cant even be bothered writing, so there will be no witty banter here. Just a charming picture of the vaginal probe I have to shove in my fanny every second day, fun times. I know a few people that I'd like to stick that probe where the sun don't shine, he he he........well that's not very nice now is it. Tough.

Last night's acupuncture went well, it's all getting a bit damn sore, everything is so tender and tuned in (whatever the hell that means), he did a point in my toe and I kid you not but it was like someone stabbed a hot knife into my foot! he told me it should settle down and did I want him to take it out, I said "no, just leave it in, I can deal with the pain", I didn't want to be a wimp and have it removed as it's important to keep it in there, and sure enough the pain settled. My ovarian area was sore and my stomach is all bloated so when he put the needles in my stomach I felt like I was going to explode. Oh well all for a good cause.

Had my bloods and scan again this morning and no more fainting and the scan went really well, the doctor was really impressed and the reduction in Puregon dose has slowed everything down to a nice steady pace as it should be. My lining is now 13mm, and still the 10 follicles, all in similar size, all growing well as they should. There are lots of other small follicles in there but they don't measure them as they are a bit small, but he also said I could still get eggs out of those, its just that those small ones are less likely to make a baby. When I got my call back this afternoon from the clinic I was told  I am scheduled for another scan and blood test on Sunday at 9.00am, and from there I should get my egg collection date! cant wait!

This IVF seems to be dragging out, I keep saying we are on the home stretch and then we have yet another scan, but all this is good, all this steady movement is what we want to see. The eggs are still cooking and that's fine by me, you will be the first to know when the eggs are fried and done and there is a nice healthy bun in the oven.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The queen of frozen meals

Over the last few weeks I have become the queen of freezing meals. Anything that looks edible I will freeze, got an old sausage lying round, no problem, give it to me and I will make it into a frozen meal fit to feed the actual queen. Chuck in a few peas, chuck in some corn, a few herbs and any other un-nameable spices and its good to go.

I have started on this freezing frenzy because I seem to get too tired to cook at night and I knew with the up coming egg collection and embryo transfer it would just be easy to grab a meal out of the freezer instead of eating crappy takeaways. This has worked really well and I now have become slightly obsessed with making meals and freezing them, and I tell ya what they taste damn good, gardener guy doesn't seem to complain when I whip out a chilli con carne, a nice hearty casserole, some vegetable soup or some curried sausages. I have also become obsessed with making 2 meals out of 1 pack of meat, whenever there is a meal to be frozen I will split it into 2 meals, after all this spending of $40 a pop for a blood test we need to start saving money else where, and I have already had 3 blood test this week and then the acupuncture costs all makes for an empty bank balance at the end of the week, so frozen 2 for 1 meals it is.

Apart from using the freezer to its full ability, I had a blood test this morning, and after yesterdays fainting they decided just to get me on the bed just in case and it all went perfectly fine. My results came back this afternoon and I am having another scan at 8.30am and another blood test tomorrow, the reduction in the Puregon last night has worked and kept things a bit more steady and stopped everything moving to fast, so again all is looking on track. I'm glad this is coming to an end, I am sore, I need these eggs out thanks. My stomach is becoming really hard and gardener guy is finding it hard to stick the needles in, its starting to hurt more and more, it's like my stomach has become as tough as an old boot.

I have been trying not to think too much about what will be coming up in the next few days, not thinking about the results I will get with all the eggs, I just cant, its too hard, I know the next week will be the hardest as all the results come in on how everything in the lab is going and It just freaks me out, It's getting close again, I will know weather I am pregnant or not in just over 2 weeks and that scares the living shit out of me. So I just try to not over think things too much at the moment but I am still keeping the positive thoughts close to me, those are the ones I wont let drift away.
So move over Martha Stewart, I am the new money saving, do it all, housewife/chef in town, I'm 30 years younger, more fierce and I bet I could freeze your beef casserole under the table, now all I need to do is get a chat show, a magazine deal and bring out my own line of homeware. That should be easy enough as after all I have endured over the past 6 months achieving those 3 things is as easy as rustling up a beef vindaloo and chucking it in the freezer.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

IVF Number 2 - Scan results - follicle count

This morning started very disastrous I must say! don't panic just yet, the scan went really well, I do have follicles it was the blood test that went wrong.

This morning we headed into town to get my bloods done and my scan to check how many follicles I have growing. I went into the pathology expecting to be in and out like any other blood test, but oh no! for starters they had trouble finding a decent size vein, I always have this problem so this wasn't a surprise, what was a surprise was what came next. When the needle went in I felt all dizzy and light headed and that was it, I passed out. What a shitty start to the day. This has never happened before, anyhow the first go at drawing blood just wasn't working, it just wasn't flowing out properly, once I came around the nurse laid me down on the floor, I was feeling awful!!! so that was just great, 8am in the morning and there I am lying on the floor like a plonker. I just didn't feel good at all and was hoping like hell that the little amount of blood they managed to get was enough, so off they went to check with the lab and sure enough it wasn't enough, so we attempted again, I was feeling far to faint to sit and have it done so I had to go into another room and lie on the bed, the second attempt went better and after a little lie down I was ok to go. I must say the nurses were all so lovely and very concerned about how I was feeling. All this time gardener guy was left out in the car wondering what was happening, what normally takes about 2 minutes took me 30 minutes today. So after that drama we headed to the clinic for my scan.

The scan went really well, the doctor said all my hormone levels were great and he even said "we will get you a baby out of this round", I know he has no way of knowing that for sure but I will cling onto any bit of hope and positive words I can get at the moment, sure beats hearing that it wont work. My lining was apparently perfect at 11, and we had a grand total of 10 follicles! we feel pretty pleased with that, they are all of similar size and all a bit more grouped together than last time which is better than them being spread out, so we are on track for this stage of the game. For those of you who are not sure what all this means, well the eggs are inside the follicles, and its normal for a couple of follicles to have nothing in them, last cycle we had 9 follicles but only 7 eggs, so we really have to wait and see, all 10 follicles may have eggs in them, or there may be a couple empty, we just have to see.

I have another blood test tomorrow morning, and after today's episode I'm scared that might happen again, hopefully it will go smoothly. We are to reduce my Puregon dose tonight to 75iu instead of the normal 150iu, obviously they don't want the follicles to grow to much more or to fast. So that's all I know for now, again tomorrow afternoon I will have more results so will keep you informed.

Just for good measure and because I haven't brought up anything creepy for awhile I thought I'd tell you what happened last night,(no I'm not about to tell you about some sexual romp gone wrong) but brace yourself and put down you dinner if your eating. I went to the loo last night and a whole lot of cervical mucus came gushing out, and I mean alot, I had to wipe and wipe and wipe just to get rid of it all, of course I panicked and thought what the hell is happening, and I know this sounds stupid but my first thought was 'oh shit, did all my eggs just fall out', I know it's not possible to ovulate on my own while taking the Buseriline which is stopping that happening, but I still panicked, so I googled it and it's normal, but you just never know do you, I didn't have that last time and when I am so desperate for this to all go well, it makes me worry that something had gone wrong. But no, all good, my eggs didn't jump out by themselves!

That's all the news for today, I've had enough fainting, blood and vaginal probes for today, I'm off to have a cup of herbal tea and a chocolate brownie, that's certainly a much more pleasant way to round off the day.  

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

IVF update - E2 blood test results and a moan for good measure

Things have got hard again. I am going to moan. So Ill talk you through it. 

Last night I found out my cousin is having a baby, (well not actually my cousin, he is a guy, but his partner is), she is just the loveliest person and before I go on about how I feel I want to point out that I do think it's great that this has happened for them. They had a really tough year last year, and I mean tough, there was not alot of sunshine in our family's life last year and I feel really pleased that my cousin finally has something to smile about, they both need that, so I wish only the best for them, I know they read my blog so I really wanted them to know this before I start on my negative feelings, and I want them to know this is my problem, not theirs and they in no way should feel bad.

So here goes, after finding this out last night, I just felt deflated again, a few weeks prior to this I also found out another cousin was 5months pregnant, I know in both cases no one wanted to tell me so I just kind of happened to find out, who would want to be the one to tell me right? I certainly wouldn't know how to approach someone like me. So I told gardener guy and then all of a sudden I lost it, I had a complete meltdown, I was doing so well emotionally and last night I just felt like I took ten steps back. I burst into tears, and couldn't stop, I was saying  that I couldn't cope anymore, I didn't know what to do and why was this awful thing happening to me. I decided to just go to bed and sleep the mood off. Gardener guy's advice and good advice it was, was to just concentrate on us and keep focused on what we are doing and don't get upset. Its damn hard and last night swearing and crying probably wasn't the best reaction but every time someone else announces a pregnancy its a fucking kick in the guts and I find it hard to be happy for them, sad but true. That is not how I want to feel but I do and I cant help it.

I woke up this morning remembering what I am doing and that I need to stay relaxed, positive and in a good frame of mind, if I lose that it will all fall to pieces. So I think I am back on track, I have a very short fuse with the children today, so the end of today probably cant come too soon, I definitely don't feel amazing but I will be ok.

Symptom wise, well the tiredness is just becoming ridiculous! It's constant, but we are on the home stretch. I can really really feel my right ovary, there is a constant uncomfortable pain and the left ovary is starting to become noticeable too, less so than the right but still noticeable, so I think my scan will show more eggs in the right ovary than the left, I so hope there are a good amount!. I am certainly ready for the eggs to be removed and the drugs to end.

The clinic has just rung through with my blood results and my E2 level is apparently really good, It was just above average so I am stimulating fast, as I expected, with my last 4 cycles my body had a tenancy to do things at the speed of light, the nurses words were that they will need to watch me like a hawk over the next few days, but all is fine,no issues there.I have my scan tomorrow morning at 8.50am and another blood test too. Hopefully after tomorrow's scan and bloods I will have a date for my trigger injections (yes I am having 2 shots of Ovidrel to ovulate as 2 shots helps with egg maturity) and will get my egg retrieval date! exciting. In regards to the counselling, well I rang to get an appointment, then ended up getting a phone appointment, then when I went to answer the phone I somehow cut her off, so then I tried to ring back and the receptionist said she was on another call, so it all turned to custard really, am currently waiting to see if I hear back from her again today, she did leave me a very kind message, so will see if she gets time to call back, damn me cutting her off, she now just rang back and I had a wee chat to her, she was very kind and soft spoken and really just let me rant on a bit, she isn't able to fit me in for tomorrow but she has booked me in for a session on Wednesday the 3rd of June, I don't really know if this will work out with the egg collection and embryo transfer dates and also more time off work but she assured me it's fine to cancel if it wont work, so we will see how that goes. Till then we will just muddle through alone.

As is said "God only gives you as much as you can handle", well I don't think I can handle too much more (do you hear that god?), so it must be the end of all this soon. Good things must be ahead for us, they just have to be. Ill end on a little quote I stumbled upon which was perfect for me to see at this point in time,  "Tough times don't last, tough people do".

Sunday, May 22, 2011

A little bit of fun

Doing something fun during an IVF cycle is crucial, just a little pick me up is always good. A friend of mine came and took a few photos of me today, and it was just really nice to do something different, also as many of you lady's know, IVF doesn't exactly make us feel like the most beautiful people to ever walk the planet, what with all the weight gain, the bloating, the mood swings, the pessaries dripping out of our vagina, well all that doesn't exactly make for a sexy feeling woman now does it. This was just a nice thing to do, and although I look a bit odd in some pics, it was just what I needed.

I'm just doing a quick post as I am fading fast, after being busy all day and not having a rest I feel absolutely terrible now. My head is sore, my eyes are sore, I'm very weak and I need to lie down so ill keep the update quick. The bleeding has stopped! yah. But I welcome back hot flushes, and I don't welcome them back with open arms, its not nice, at night in bed I sweat like a pig on heat, I am experiencing a bit of pain in the right ovary, hurrah! that must mean there are some eggs growing in there, no pain from the left ovary, but I guess you always get one ovary with more eggs than the other.That is all really, next blood test is Tuesday, so will have more information for you then.

On a totally silly note, yesterday morning at 7am when we did the buserilin shot, gardener guy joked that he was getting so fast and so good at doing the injections for me that he should start up his own business. Then i proceeded to say 'of course, what a great idea', you could go into people's houses that needed injections done and shoot them up. I said that if they needed an early morning injection they didn't even need to wake up, they could just leave their key out and he could let himself in, get the injection sorted, shoot them up and let himself out! perfect. What a business idea that is, slightly creepy waking up to a man hovering over you with a needle in his hand, or slightly kinky depending on who you are and what you are into, either way, gardener guy is here to help.  You must understand this conversation took place at 7am and we were both only just awake, so perhaps it wasn't the best thought out plan ever hatched, but for two people half asleep and one of them drugged up to the hilt it seemed pretty damn funny!

Funny conversations with your husband and fun days with friends are always good during a super stressful time, whatever can help yourself, do. Take care and keep smiling, I'm off to have a nap before my head explodes. 

Friday, May 20, 2011

You cant put a price tag on a baby.

Most items you can put a price tag on, you know your limit. You know you wont pay more than $15,000 for a car, you wont spend more than $200 on a coat, but you cannot put a price tag on a baby. Me and my husband said after the 3 IUI's that we would not be able to afford to do any more treatments, yeah right! after the first IVF we said we couldn't afford another cycle, then at the start of this cycle we said this was it, but really you cant put a price tag on a baby and we will probably find the money to do another round if needed, $26,000 later and still no baby, desperation does crazy things to you, desperation has no limits.

I bring this issue up as this Sunday on TV1, on the 'Sunday' show at 7.30pm (New Zealand this is), they are doing a story on Infertile couples and the price they pay for a baby, the desperation that couples have to conceive. It looks really interesting and will basically for us be like watching ourselves. I think there are not enough programs or information available to people on infertility, it is a disease and people never hear about it, unless they know someone personally going through it, all we see is celebrities popping out babies every other day, how is this possible when half of them have waited till they are 40ish, seriously, I don't think so!. It should be a very interesting watch. As I was saying to a friend of mine yesterday, I sometimes find it hard to believe that I'm going through all this, especially when I watch programs about other people going through it, I watch and think, "oh poor them, how heartbreaking" and then realise that's happening to me. I think watching this program will be a bit hard for us, when you can relate to something on such a personal level it just breaks your heart. So me and gardener guy will watch and I'm sure there will be some tears.

Other updates, well I am still bleeding from stopping the pill on the 11th May, it just keeps lingering around, I think this is fine but it's just another damn thing, ill let the clinic know. I have been very tired, like ridiculously tired, I had a big 2hr nap yesterday afternoon and still woke tired, and still was tired and ready for bed by 8.30pm. Acupuncture again last night, he did some more points on my face just to keep the headaches at bay, he also took my pulse and it was a bit weak so he did some extra points on my feet to strengthen that. The night Puregon (stimulation injection) are going fine, a bit stingy but that's fine. That's all really, cant wait to have my scan, just going to take it as it comes and if there are less follicles than I expected then I will just roll with that, I cant get upset there just isn't any point.

So for anyone who is in New Zealand and fancy's a good tear jearker, or just a bit of extra information on the subject tune into 'Sunday', 7.30pm TV1. We sure will be, and just like the couples that will be on the show, me and gardener guy really cant put a price tag on a baby, we don't know when enough is enough, to us money means nothing, we are not career focused, we work to get enough money to get by, we don't want to spend our whole lives working to make tonnes of money and never have the time to enjoy it and be with our family, we work to pay for making our baby and to be honest $26,000 is really a small price to pay for that, we will continue and wont give up.

$26,000 for a baby, not a problem, what an investment, and the return will be far better than any stocks, shares or bonds, our return will last a lifetime.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

14 needles down, 28 or so to go!

14 Injections we have done so far, and I'm now waiting to get my blood test results back from the clinic. My estrogen should be super low as I have been pretty grumpy and the last few days I have been feeling very light headed, so it will be good to start the night Puregon injections which will start to raise my estrogen levels and grow all those follicles with lots of nice mature eggs in them, fingers crossed. 

So, what has been happening over the last few days, not so much really, just been ticking along trying to stay sane, although if you ask gardener guy he is more likely to say I have been a bit of a ticking time bomb, likely to go off at any moment with the outcome being disastrous!. I guess you could say the last few days I have been a bit crazy, just a wee bit and it is to be expected. Isn't it easier to blame someone else (ie - anyone but me), of course, so I'm going with that. A couple of days ago we had a prime example of my ticking time bomb tenancy, I was cooking dinner (which I must say, he is damn lucky he is getting these days), and he came in and had a taste and said it needed more salt........Well blow me down, that was it!!! I went off, how dare he come in here and say that, what would he know (apparently quite alot, he used to be a chef guy before he was a gardener guy), but that's beside the point, as I said what does he know!, I started yelling, he went outside to have a cigarette, clearly to escape the monster that is his wife so I proceeded to lock him outside. So there he was in the cold night unable to get back in. After him banging on the door I let him in and I went back to cooking, then I started crying, he hugged me, told me to let it out and that it was ok and that was the end of that! Poor man. In the end the dinner turned out yummy and was salted just right, after I added a little more, but shhhh.... don't tell him that.

Since I stopped the pill last Wednesday the 11th I have been bleeding and I still am, it isn't causing any issues and it isn't heavy so no worries there. I have been very tired and falling asleep at the drop of a hat, I sat down on the couch at 9am yesterday and fell asleep, just like that! I had only been up for 2 hours, and would you believe it but since the acupuncture appointment I haven't had another headache, I'm so pleased as that was what was making me feel the worst.

The clinic has just rang through with my results and I am to lower my Buseriline dose to 20iu on the syringe instead of 40iu, and am to start Puregon 150iu from tomorrow night. I had down regulated fine, so all set for the changes tomorrow and welcome Puregon back into my life! perhaps we can become better friends this time round.

So myself and gardener guy are getting there, for me this is the easier part, I lie down he stabs me in the stomach. The hard part is coming up, the emotional part, the daily news of each little step, does the scan show lots of follicles? how many eggs did we get? how many eggs were mature? was it a good sperm count?  how many eggs fertilized? how many eggs are splitting and developing normal? how many embryos do we have? are they strong? do we have any to freeze? and the final nail biting, life changing, biggest question of my life, am I pregnant?.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Human pin cushion

Last night I felt like a right human pin cushion, no area of my body was off limits. This was a good thing, you know that feeling when you feel so bad and then all of a sudden you feel better, how amazing that is! you just want to scream from the rafters how better you feel, well I got that last night at acupuncture.

Yesterday I was not well, I had the most hideous headache, it was in my eyes, in my head, it felt like a vice was cranking down on my head. On top of that I felt so tired and generally just awful, It was not nice. I had to gather up all my strength to shower and head off to acupuncture. Once I got there I explained that I had a headache and he told me he will fix it. He did all the usual points and added some more for the headache, he put 2 in my forehead, and 1 on each side of my eyes, and 1 in each hand. Every so often he would twist them slightly and just like magic my headache started to decrease! I was so amazed. It was really strange, when he took the needles out of my hands he told me they may ache for a few hours but that's a good thing, this is all linked to the headache. 

By the time I got home my headache was gone! I am so impressed. Its hard because I have been going to see him for about 2 months now and I never know if anything is actually happening, we cant physically feel infertility like a headache so knowing what is happening, well you just don't know, so him fixing my headache confirmed to me that what he is doing is worthwhile, if he can solve my headaches imagine what magic he is doing downstairs!!

This morning I woke up feeling great! Not a headache in sight and I just feel good! Ill be a human pin cushion any day if this is the result.

If you are doing acupuncture, what results are you getting, do you enjoy it? what points does your acupuncturist focus on? does your acupuncturist use moxa? any feedback appreciated. Now this pin cushion is off to enjoy my day, long may it last!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Woman in the bath

You know that scene in movie's where the beautiful woman is soaking in a bath full of bubbles and reading her book, I'm sure you have all seen that and thought, "you know what, I might just grab my book and have a bath too, it looks so relaxing", well that's exactly what I did. And let me tell you, reading a book in the bath is not as easy as the beautiful movie star made it out to be.

After another long working day I decided I wanted a soak, I thought it will be a nice way to relax. And don't get me wrong, It really was, it was nice to hear the rain outside while I was in the tub, but it never turns out exactly how I want, and really I should know this by now, I have had enough baths in my time to realise this, but still I run the bath with the notion that this will be the best half hour of my life. So i filled up the bath with bubbles, likely one hundred year old bubbles, I'm not entirely sure where this bubble bath came from and I certainly cant remember purchasing it. Anyhow I slide in and set out to read my book, this lasts for a total of 5 seconds. How the heck are you meant to read in the bath, you cant really relax or you will get the book wet, so I had to hold the book up in the air and really that's not relaxing, I finished 1/2 a page, not quite what I imagined, it really didn't help that I had put far too much bubble bath in and the bubbles were practically strangling me, so there I am relaxing in my own filth and I hear that the bath water is coming out, my one hundred year old bath to match my one hundred year old bubble bath is failing me! Damn. By the time i realise this is happening I cant be bothered to fill it back up, so I just let it all drain out till I'm sitting in a bath full of bubbles, minus the water. oh yes very relaxing.

In other non bath related news, I took my last pill today and from the notes I have been given by the clinic I should expect a bleed, and probably heavier than normal. The injections are going fine, gardener guy is doing them great for me, I'm feeling ok, i feel very tired and last night I felt pretty lousy, just sick and dizzy but today I'm better. There isn't much else happening until my first blood test next Tuesday to test my estrogen levels.

I think it's really nice to try and find a little something relaxing to do during an IVF cycle, weather it be watching some movies, painting your nails, reading a book, but I like to live by the the philosophy that some things are best left to the movie stars, because quite frankly when we try to create the scene all we are left with is remembering why we always shower instead of  bathing and a wet soggy book.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mothers Day, enough said.

From reading blogs over the weekend I have realised that quite alot of woman had been struggling with mothers day. I must say that I was getting rather frustrated with all the adverts of tv to buy mum an expensive watch, and any other gift you could possibly think of. Now I'm all for appreciating your mother, and If you are a mother I do realise it can be hard and it's nice to have a day to recognise that but for infertile woman this day is shit.

I'm going to be very frank here, If you only ever get appreciated on one day a year by your family, well then poor you! It's all a bit of a gimmick really to get people to spend money. Why is there only a mothers day and a fathers day? there are plenty of other people that fall into different categories who care for children or anyone for that matter, but they don't get a day just for them. As far as I am concerned Mothers day, Fathers day, Halloween and Guy Fawkes are all a crock of shit. 

So to celebrate mothers day, or not, I of course rang my mum (who also thinks mothers day is silly) and face booked my mother in law in England, then me and gardener guy went out for lunch, we had booked a table but when we got there they had given it to someone else, so we ended up getting seated at a table for 6 instead of a 2 person table, that's fine not to worry, I got given a free bottle of bubbly for the mix up, not that I could drink it, but we took it home. There were lots of families there, obviously taking their mums out for lunch, there were quite a few kids but we just ate our lunch and ignored them and the lunch was really yummy. While we were having our drinks (me, a raspberry milkshake, what am I a 12yr old!, gardener guy a flat white), a couple came in with 2 young children, and they had to end up sitting in the 2 person table that had become free next to us, I hear that they asked if they could move to the 6 person table we were sitting at so they had more room, well this really pissed me off, gardener guy said to me "shall we move", I abruptly said "no, why the hell should we, we are enjoying our drinks, fuck them, why the hell should I have to get up and accommodate them just because they have kids", gardener guy then agreed. Seriously what gives them the right to even ask that, why should they think they can interrupt us just because they have kids. For god sake!!! not my problem, and before you say it, yes I do know what it's like to have 2 children in a cafe and need lots of room, so don't say I don't know what it's like, because I do, I have taken so many children out for lunch before and do know it can be a tight squeeze but still I wouldn't ask other people to move!. But you know that is my life, this kind of shit always happens to me. Anyhow whatever, we had a nice relaxing lunch while they battled with 2 little kids that didn't really want to be there, so we got the last laugh! I wonder if they were sitting there thinking, ' look at that couple without kids, look how nice and relaxing their lunch is, I wish we had that', its funny how we think the grass is always greener on the other side. But for us the grass really is greener on the other side, we are on the side of the fence with brown dead grass and no kids, they are on the side of the fence with the lush green grass with kids running round. The grass wouldn't be greener on the other side for them, but it would for us.

If you are a mother, appreciate being one, I know on days when there are far too many dirty nappies, tantrums, tears and screaming you feel like opening the door and running out and never coming back, but remember all the love and smiles and giggles these little people give you, and spare a thought for people that unfortunately don't have this yet, remember a messy house is a sign of a happy lived in house, the more muddy gumboots at the door the better, you will have plenty of time to sleep when you die and honestly silence is not always golden. 

Friday, May 6, 2011

Beware.....dangerous, dizzy woman ahead.

Anyone who has is fortunate or unfortunate enough to know me personally, knows I'm actually pretty dizzy. I say stupid things, I do stupid things and generally act like a bit of a blonde, ( I actually used to be blonde, but conveniently disguised this with good old hair dye, just to fool people), so even at the best of times I'm a bit dizzy in the brain department. But today I have been a bit dizzy in the, well in the everything department.

So here's the story, It all started in the supermarket! (of course, my least favourite place), I dropped a glass jar full of olives, it literally just slipped out of my hand! great. So I had that few seconds moment where I just stood there like a stunned mullet till my dizzy brain kicked into gear and realized it wasn't appropriate to just leave the glass jar there and walk away,we wouldn't want a pregnant woman to cut her foot now would we! or would we? hmmmm..... anyhow so I got one of the staff to clean it up and I managed to save some olives by stuffing them in a plastic bag, so I left stinking of olive juice, charming. As I walked out I went to check the time on my phone (it must be time for bed) and managed to drop that and the battery and the back of it went flying across the floor, great! get it together would you. Off I trot with my smelly bag of olives only to walk straight into a man who seemed to appear from nowhere. His fault of course! So then it starts to rain, and I think shit I've got to get home as soon as possible, I put out that washing that Ive been trying to get dry for what seems like a hundred years, this cannot be happening! So I get home and save the washing and hang it on the line in the laundry, only I try to hang it and misjudge where the line is and it all just falls onto the floor, clearly my judgement is a bit off as after I had finished battling with the washing I decide I need to eat, so I go to shove a piece of bread in my mouth and completely miss my mouth! So I cant even eat now. Comon!

I normally seem to have quite a strong reaction to the meds, so obviously I'm feeling a bit dizzy, apart from that I seem to be a few degrees warmer and tired but I don't think I have got anymore grouchy, although gardener guy would disagree as I snapped at him to be careful when taking a piece of pizza last night and not to rip it apart, "why are you trying to destroy the pizza"! so yes, make of that what you want.

I've decided to sit down after all the disasters, and put the wiggles on for the little boy I look after. Speaking of disasters, the wiggles are a damn disaster, I cant stand them! the kids are mesmerized with them, I am not.I dont want to point my fingers and do the twist thanks. Four grown men singing and dancing around in brightly coloured skivvy's and pants up to their chest is just extremely creepy! But I wont go into that too much, I could easily do a whole post on the disaster that is the wiggles.

So I'm off to go get some dinner ready, Is that going to be safe? well as long as I strap on my cycle helmet and don't use the sharp knives I should be ok. Gardener guy will get dinner on the table tonight, and as long as he doesn't ruin it by touching it too roughly he shouldn't get snapped at!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Day 1 - Buserelin Injection

This morning was the first Buserelin Injection (see above). Not too much to report obviously so will just keep this to a short post. I wont moan just for the sake of moaning! At 7am my gardener guy loaded up the syringe with a dose of 400ug's. As per usual I got all "I cant do this", but really at 7am we didn't have time for that carry on so I just had to get a grip. It was a bit sore going in, and left a really red irritated itchy mark, which took awhile to disappear but its all good now, and that was it, here we go!

The day didn't really get off to a fantastic start though, I dropped my good country road mug filled with a hot Milo. I was so annoyed, as I had a set of 4 of those mugs and really liked them, somehow it just slipped out of my hand!, I always moan at gardener guy to be careful not to break those mugs when he takes them outside, and of course its not him that breaks it but me.

I am still feeling positive about this cycle and have organized a few things to keep us happy and the spirits up. Me and gardener guy are treating ourselves to a nice lunch out together on Mothers Day, I have strong feeling's about how stupid this day is, I think its a stupid excuse for shops to make money and really we shouldn't need to be told when to show our mothers that we care,and of course the fact that I am still not a mother this year leaves me feeling pretty sour, so anyhow we decided to go out for lunch. And I have become quite into painting my nails lately, so when I'm feeling a bit low and horrible Ill treat myself to some new polish. Also next weekend we are going out for dinner with another couple that we are friends with. In a few days time I probably wont even be bothered doing any of these things, but we will see how I go, I wont push myself, as I know what to expect, I expect to start getting really tired, hot flushes and headaches all along with the crabby mood.

Anyhow that's all for now, nothing too interesting and no new funny stories to report in my corner of the world, am just about to take the boys down to the library kids session, so must dash, hope you all have a good week and keep your spirits up, your hearts open and your tears away.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Wishes to be a Sleeping Beauty

On days like today I wish I was like Sleeping Beauty and could just curl up in a nice comfy bed in a castle for a hundred years and awake to have everything put right.Of course when I awake, just like sleeping beauty I wont have aged a second, and my hair will be as neat as ever, lets be realistic, no one wants to be a 130yr old shabby mother with bed hair.

Why do I want to sleep, well why not? I'm so damn tired. This weekend I got caught up in all the royal wedding hoopla and it was actually really nice, it was something really happy and sweet and romantic to get caught up in, when there seems to be so much dismay and sorrow in the world at the moment, what with the earthquake here in New Zealand and then the horrific earthquake in Japan and the Tsunami, and every other news story of someone killing someone and of course my own tragedy in my own little corner of the world, well it was just nice to see a big special event, it really was, it made me smile, a real smile, a real non forced smile, and that is hard to come by these days. So back to being tired, well over here in NZ, the couple got married at 10pm our time and the coverage didn't end till 12.40am, so that was a late night for me, and I just don't do late nights anymore, so perhaps it is that, that has thrown me off, that combined with the fact that I just don't sleep well.

The lack of good settled sleep is not something I have discussed really with anyone (I mentioned it in passing to one friend), but It's not really something I see as a problem, or maybe it is. I don't want anyone to think I'm not up to doing this IVF, as the drugs do make me extra tired, I can cope, I know I can, but I just wish I slept like my husband. When he puts his head down on the pillow, he is literally asleep in seconds, strange but true. He doesn't get up at all during the night and that is that. Me, well that's another story, I need the tv on for awhile to fall asleep, I am up 3 to 4 times a night on average. I wake and always think well I may as well go the the toilet, when I get back into bed I worry. I worry alot, I think this I why I am so restless, I worry about money, I know at the end of the day, who cares it's only money, and we would do anything to get this baby, but it worries me, I worry about things staying like this forever, will It ever get better. On days like today when I'm really tired it just feels like my whole body is weighted down by a tonne of bricks and a baby is the only thing that will lift those bricks (a very strong baby!). That's why getting a positive result this time round isn't just about getting the baby we so desperately want, is about getting those bricks lifted, its about regaining my life, its about regaining myself, its about regaining our happiness. This baby will never know what it will have done for our life, not only will it be all we want but it will pretty much have saved me, and glued me back together. 

I will be ok, a new week is coming up, I start the morning Bruseline shots on Wednesday and as my gardener guy said to me today " are you ok baby", my reply "no", his reply "just having one of those days aye", my reply "yes". He knows, he knows so well what is going on, but as I said a new week is coming up and for the rest of today there is a nice cosy couch for me to lie my weary head on, if not for a hundred years then just for a few hours.

Fairy Tales really can come true, this week a commoner married her prince, and proved to the world that every little girl can get her prince charming, and little old commoner me will get my fairytale and hold our precious baby in my arms, the wicked witch that is infertility will be banished forever and we will all live happily ever after.