Things have got hard again. I am going to moan. So Ill talk you through it.
Last night I found out my cousin is having a baby, (well not actually my cousin, he is a guy, but his partner is), she is just the loveliest person and before I go on about how I feel I want to point out that I do think it's great that this has happened for them. They had a really tough year last year, and I mean tough, there was not alot of sunshine in our family's life last year and I feel really pleased that my cousin finally has something to smile about, they both need that, so I wish only the best for them, I know they read my blog so I really wanted them to know this before I start on my negative feelings, and I want them to know this is my problem, not theirs and they in no way should feel bad.
So here goes, after finding this out last night, I just felt deflated again, a few weeks prior to this I also found out another cousin was 5months pregnant, I know in both cases no one wanted to tell me so I just kind of happened to find out, who would want to be the one to tell me right? I certainly wouldn't know how to approach someone like me. So I told gardener guy and then all of a sudden I lost it, I had a complete meltdown, I was doing so well emotionally and last night I just felt like I took ten steps back. I burst into tears, and couldn't stop, I was saying that I couldn't cope anymore, I didn't know what to do and why was this awful thing happening to me. I decided to just go to bed and sleep the mood off. Gardener guy's advice and good advice it was, was to just concentrate on us and keep focused on what we are doing and don't get upset. Its damn hard and last night swearing and crying probably wasn't the best reaction but every time someone else announces a pregnancy its a fucking kick in the guts and I find it hard to be happy for them, sad but true. That is not how I want to feel but I do and I cant help it.
I woke up this morning remembering what I am doing and that I need to stay relaxed, positive and in a good frame of mind, if I lose that it will all fall to pieces. So I think I am back on track, I have a very short fuse with the children today, so the end of today probably cant come too soon, I definitely don't feel amazing but I will be ok.
Symptom wise, well the tiredness is just becoming ridiculous! It's constant, but we are on the home stretch. I can really really feel my right ovary, there is a constant uncomfortable pain and the left ovary is starting to become noticeable too, less so than the right but still noticeable, so I think my scan will show more eggs in the right ovary than the left, I so hope there are a good amount!. I am certainly ready for the eggs to be removed and the drugs to end.
The clinic has just rung through with my blood results and my E2 level is apparently really good, It was just above average so I am stimulating fast, as I expected, with my last 4 cycles my body had a tenancy to do things at the speed of light, the nurses words were that they will need to watch me like a hawk over the next few days, but all is fine,no issues there.I have my scan tomorrow morning at 8.50am and another blood test too. Hopefully after tomorrow's scan and bloods I will have a date for my trigger injections (yes I am having 2 shots of Ovidrel to ovulate as 2 shots helps with egg maturity) and will get my egg retrieval date! exciting. In regards to the counselling, well I rang to get an appointment, then ended up getting a phone appointment, then when I went to answer the phone I somehow cut her off, so then I tried to ring back and the receptionist said she was on another call, so it all turned to custard really, am currently waiting to see if I hear back from her again today, she did leave me a very kind message, so will see if she gets time to call back, damn me cutting her off, she now just rang back and I had a wee chat to her, she was very kind and soft spoken and really just let me rant on a bit, she isn't able to fit me in for tomorrow but she has booked me in for a session on Wednesday the 3rd of June, I don't really know if this will work out with the egg collection and embryo transfer dates and also more time off work but she assured me it's fine to cancel if it wont work, so we will see how that goes. Till then we will just muddle through alone.
As is said "God only gives you as much as you can handle", well I don't think I can handle too much more (do you hear that god?), so it must be the end of all this soon. Good things must be ahead for us, they just have to be. Ill end on a little quote I stumbled upon which was perfect for me to see at this point in time, "Tough times don't last, tough people do".