Tuesday, July 26, 2011

10 Weeks - Now what is going on?

Hooray for 10 Weeks!, although it feels like a lifetime ago that I was told I was pregnant, the first trimester goes slow! I cannot wait till our 12 week scan, so exciting, only 2 weeks to go (obviously..... you don't need to be a mathematician to work that one out).

10 week funny pregnancy goings on are as follows: well lets see, some things aren't exactly that funny, constipation, need I say more, it doesn't exactly have me rolling around in fits of laughter. I seriously cant remember the last time I had a decent poo! I have tried several things but nothing is really working so I guess I'm just hoping it will soon sort itself out, I refuse to drink prune juice again, the most disgusting thing to ever pass my lips. secondly, the morning sickness issue, I am still all ok, I have gotten off so lucky with this. I am still tired but I am kind of getting used to this, my boobs haven't seemed to have gotten too much bigger since the last update but they still look a bit odd. I am eating like a fat pig, I want to eat and eat and eat. I get fixated on a certain food and that is that. Yesterday I was extremely grumpy for no reason, today I feel better. As far as weight gain, well none, I just think my belly is starting to look like I have eaten too many pies, (fairly accurate), and doesn't look pregnant, I just look a bit round, like my waist seems a bit thicker.

Upcoming exciting stuff: 12 week scan, seeing our little baby moving around in there and actually looking like a real baby, getting a baby bump!!! some friends have told me they started to get a wee stomach pouch at 12 weeks and then at about 16 weeks it just all of a sudden stuck right out! cant wait. Second midwife visit on the 23rd August, 20 week scan to find out the sex (I think it's a girl). That's all for now, obviously as I get further along there are lots more exciting things to experience but we will leave it at that for now.

Sorry my posts have been a bit boring and short lately, Isn't it funny that when you have things to moan about you can write and write and write forever and probably annoy the living shit out of everyone but when there is nothing to moan about the posts are nice and short which is probably easier to tolerate. Also I know my posts have been a bit less frequent but I promise I am still going to keep up with it and keep posting.

Today I am off out, In the freezing cold weather, we have got a bit of a cold streak going on here, its just nasty, perhaps the reason for my constipation is that everything up there has frozen solid! not a pretty image! Best get out in the sun and perhaps loosen things up so to say, beats that damn prune juice, but enough said on that subject, I am still a lady after all.

Friday, July 22, 2011

What is considered the perfect baby?

What is considered to be the perfect baby? Would you like you baby to have blue eyes? curly hair, no hair, a small nose, a quiet baby, a smiley baby? What would make a baby perfect? I think what ever kind of baby we have that it will be perfect for us, which brings up the issue or really for us a non issue of the down syndrome possibility.

We have our 12 week scan in just under 3 weeks and this will tell us the likely hood of our baby having down syndrome. What would we do if we found out we had a high chance that our baby was a down syndrome baby? well in a nut shell, nothing. Not a thing. To me and gardener guy this was never even up for discussion, all it was was one night I said "what would you want to do if we were told at this scan that we were likely to have a down syndrome child", straight away he replied "nothing", and that was it. This baby is ours and we will not terminate it because of this small disadvantage. I have had a couple of people say to me lately, 'why would you make your life harder by keeping a baby with down syndrome', and yes everyone is entitled to their opinion but I just think I wouldn't necessary be making my life harder, sure there would be more challenges but we both think it would be well worth it and we hope that we could provide our child with an easy wonderful life should it have down syndrome.  So I guess to some people a down syndrome baby is not the perfect baby they would have imagined and to be honest for me its not the perfect baby I would imagine but who has the right to say what a perfect baby is, I'm sure our baby will be perfect, down syndrome or not. Any views on this?

Recently I have noticed that I have lost a couple of followers, sad face. I really really hope I have not offended anyone. I really understand that sometimes when you are following blogs alot of them start to become pregnancy blogs and you realise one day you are reading more pregnancy blogs than infertility blogs so you decide to clear some out and find more infertility blogs, I know this full well, I have done it myself. I just hope it is that and nothing I have said to rub someone up the wrong way. I guess I will never know, I just don't want to piss people off or upset someone that is already vulnerable, as I know that for me sometimes it only took a small thing some days to set me off. Its hard, and I don't want to make it more harder for anyone.

We look forward to our 12 week scan, I have been told we will get a really good view and that it starts to look like a little bubba so that's pretty cool and I'm sure just like every other parent looking at their baby we will look at ours and it will be just perfect.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

9 Weeks and first midwife appointment.

Hi all, sorry for being so absent lately, hopefully there is still someone hanging around and reading. There just hasn't really been all that much going on at the moment and to be honest I have been so damn tired lately that when I think about going to write a post I just decide to lie down instead!

So today we have hit the 9 week mark! The end of the first trimester is nearing. Perhaps when I head into the second trimester I will start to develop a bit of a belly I can take a picture of to show you, but at the moment there isn't really anything to speak of, apart from the fat that was already there.

This afternoon me and gardener guy went to our first midwife appointment. I was looking forward to having our first health related appointment in god knows how long that wasn't scary and worrying, I was a nice happy appointment for once. My midwife is just lovely and I think we are going to get along really well, we had a chat about previous health issues etc and just a general chat really. I was given my forms for my 12 week scan and another blood test, so I will sort out booking in the scan. So we have 3 weeks till we get to see and hear our baby again, so I just need to trust that everything in there is all good. I was also given a pack with some booklets and some coupons for baby stuff and a few samples which was really good. Our next appointment is on the 23rd August and I will then be 14 weeks. 

I feel like the weeks are going a bit quicker now, the first few weeks after getting our positive result went so so slow but now I feel like it seems to be ticking along alot quicker. Since my last update I have been feeling a bit more dodgy in the tummy, every day I gag on and off for no particular reason and it just come on all of a sudden, but really its not that bad. The tiredness is still the worst, It just doesn't really matter how much I sleep I am still tired. The bleeding has stopped completely and I have had terrible constipation but that is all at the moment.

That's all from me today, both me and gardener guy are just ticking along happily and looking forward to the weeks going past quick so we can soon meet our baby. Hope everyone else is well and treatments and pregnancy's are going well and non infertility readers are all well too.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Buggy Disaster part one.

Today something kind of funny happened, well I guess you could say it was one of those things where it wasn't funny at the time but now it kind of is. 

Today for the first time I took out my new single buggy, I was looking after my cousin so we went out in it and we decided to take the bus. All was fine and dandy and the buggy was impressing me with its handling and compact frame until we got off the bus. I had had the wheels locked while we were on the bus so my cousin didn't go flying across the bus into all the weirdo's that look like they have just crawled out of a cave after a million years (yes there always seems to be a weird bunch on the buses), anyhow when we went to get off I went to unlock the wheels and could feel that something wasn't right, they weren't unlocking, So i thought well I have to get off this bus so i had to just push the buggy as hard as I could till it kind of slid off the bus. So I was thinking "ok, no worries Ill just adjust this and move that and we will be off" well no! Something was not right, this buggy once again was not going anywhere. I was having flash backs of when it didn't want us to fold it down and now the damn thing doesn't even want to do the job its put on this earth for, move! The brakes were just not working, the back wheels were not moving at all! so there I am stuck with a small child and a stubborn buggy. I decided that I needed to make this problem gardener guys problem too, so I rang him at work yelling to him how he didn't put the buggy together properly and what the hell am I meant to do now! clearly it was all his fault. He pretty much couldn't do anything and suggested I get a taxi home, this didn't really seem like a clever idea as I had no car seat for my cousin and I actually needed to get a blood test done which was only down the road but how do you move a buggy that has wheels that don't move? I kind of just stood there for a while, as I often do when I strike a problem and then I realised the shop I brought it from was only a few hundred metres away. I had no choice but to push the buggy and try to balance it on its front wheels while practically tipping my poor cousin out onto the road.

We finally made it to the shop, I'm a sweaty raging mess as I storm in there and say " I brought this from you and now the breaks are screwed"!, the shop assistant kindly takes a look and says "no they are not broken, they are not installed properly", now don't I feel like a wally!! So she was a really good help and takes off the wheels and puts it all back together for me, fixing the brakes on properly. I didn't feel so bad when the manager came over and said it has happened to so many people and they are a bit tricky to put together and she often likes to put the buggy together for people before they leave the shop so its done right, so at least it wasn't just me and gardener guy being thickos. While all this was going on my cousin had taken some bikes off a shelf and was making herself quite at home and riding around the shop, oh dear lets get the hell out of here!

I reckon this is an indication of things to come for me! Something silly is likely to happen when I have my own baby. Lets just hope we put the cot together right, we don't want to wake up to a loud bang one night and see the baby lying on the floor with a broken cot on top of him/her. I'm making out like my husband is some kind of dumb ass who cant do anything, but he actually is really handy, he makes lots of things for us, he has made an out door table, many shelves, many planter boxes, a garden shed and a couple of green houses, so I better give him some credit.

Once we finally got on our way and had a fully functioning buggy I went and got my first antenatal blood test done. They took 3 viles out of me this morning! woah. This was testing for a long list of diseases etc. 

Since my last post I have the midwife situation all sorted, the midwife I was originally going with will still be caring for me and if she isn't back from her holiday when I go into labour her backup midwife will deliver the baby. Who ever does it if not fussed, they both sound nice. I have my first appointment with her on Tuesday. I will be 9 weeks then which is pretty cool as I just want the weeks to tick over quicker so I can start getting big or something. 

Also another thing to note, or should I say forget is that I am turning the big 30 next Saturday, holy crap I'm getting old. But I guess I have got to accept it and take it like everyone else has, I am going to be 30 and that's ok. I got all I wanted for my birthday, all I really wanted for my 30th birthday was to be pregnant and I am! when I had my last birthday and I wasn't pregnant and things really weren't great I just always hoped that I would be pregnant for my 30th, that was all I could ever want.

So this was the buggy disaster part one, I'm hoping there wont be a sequel. But it's very likely, I will probably go to use the new double buggy and one of the seats or something will fall off. I seem to welcome any form of disaster, big or small but as long as you can blame someone else and have a laugh about it after, there will always be a good story to tell.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

8 Week Scan and correct due date

Today we went and had our 8 week scan and our last appointment with the clinic. I must say it was a bit sad to say good bye, sounds strange I know, you would think I would be happy to see the back of them and I am happy we are not going there for more treatment but it was sad as they have been so good to us and I really didn't know how to thank them enough. How do you thank someone for making you a baby? you cant really. 

The scan again was perfect, since last weeks emergency scan the baby has grown perfectly and is sitting in the exact right place and is measuring exactly right and again the heartbeat was lovely and strong. i really enjoyed this scan alot more than last weeks for obvious reasons, i knew everything would be ok so it was just nice to lay there are look at our baby. As far as the bleeding is concerned, well it has still been on and off and still is just brown, the nurse was so great about this and really eased my mind. There is absolutely no concern, It is not anything, the likely reason is that one of my small blood vessels has burst, which I know sounds bad but its absolutely not, and very common and normally the reason for a slow release of brown blood. She also said this could last for a few more weeks as it just comes out very slow. Again the nurse mentioned that from how great it all looks there is a 90% chance the baby is sticking around, So we are so delighted and feel really at ease to go ahead and order our cot and change table and other things we wanted to while they are on sale without fear that there will be no baby to use them.

Now to the due date, now for some strange reason when I first got the call from the clinic with the positive news, I was given a due date of 7 March, now I'm pretty damn sure the nurse had said this to me, otherwise I don't know where the hell I got that date from, anyhow I emailed my nurse and she told me that my due date is 21st FEBRUARY! I knew it couldn't be the 7 March as that would make me pregnant for alot longer than normal but I just thought that the clinic had given me this date so it must be right, anyhow now we know our due date and I've had to contact my midwife who said she will be away in February so she cant deliver the baby!! For goodness sake. So here I am at 8 weeks in a panic to get a midwife. I rang her partner midwife and she said because I'm sitting right on the date where one of them comes back from holiday and the other one leaves for holiday and the fact that the baby could come early or late means they are unsure as to who will deliver the baby! so the solution is they are going to have a chat with each other and work it out and get back to me, I was told this will mean that I will basically be looked after between the two of them, which I am fine with and they have been working together for a number of years so they told me they work well as a team. I should hear back today or tomorrow as to what is going on, I really just want to get this all sorted now as I feel like I'm a bit up in the air and I have no one caring for me and my baby. So will keep you updated on that, I really don't need anything else to stress over.

Update on symptoms are as follows: yesterday morning I vomited, was very slight as had nothing in my stomach but was gagging like I was going to vomit up my whole insides. That has been all, I have gotten off very light with the nausea. Today I feel fine, nothing. At nights I tend to feel worse and I put that down to being tired. On Sunday night I had the worlds worst sleep, I woke at 2am and was wide awake, eyes as big as an owls till 5am. I could not get comfortable, could not settle, and was up and down to the toilet every 5 seconds. I have read that this restless feeling can be quite common in the first trimester due to all the changes going on in the body and that you can often be quite anxious without even knowing, after all there is alot to think about, alot to plan and get ready, its like my brain has gone from being kept up at night due to thinking about fertility treatments and what the next week is bringing to thinking about the baby and everything I need to get ready, I guess it will never shut down, the next thing is I will be kept awake at night thinking about weather the baby is alright and still breathing!! as they say you never stop worrying about your child no matter what their age, and I guess our worry has started already!. I have been having quite achy breasts at night mostly and am still tired and still wanting a specific kind of food at a specific time. It went from mince pies, which I'm now over, to apple pies, which I'm now definitely over, yuck! to now being really into chocolate cookies and really really wanting Chinese food, Which I am getting for dinner tonight, very exciting. 

After today I am not fearing the future. I used to fear the future, I was fearful of more treatments, I was fearful of pushing myself to the limit more and breaking my heart more, I was fearful of never becoming a mother and up until today I was fearful of our baby dying. I do not have these fears anymore, I have no more fear. I am not fearful of becoming a mother, I am not fearful of caring for a new baby, I know I can do a good job, I am not fearful of giving birth, I know it has to be done and I know I will be strong enough to manage. I have no more fears, all I can see for the future is alot of smiles and that looks very sweet indeed.

Friday, July 8, 2011

What If?

I sometimes wonder what if one of my friends/family members was having trouble conceiving, what could I do to help? what could I say to them if they were starting fertility treatment? how could I help prepare them and let them know all their feelings are normal and were once not so long ago my feelings? 

Obviously I do have friends and some family that have not got children and some that have not started trying for children yet. I hope when their time comes to start a family that it is a short exciting time and happens nice and fast and is a time of joy not a time of hell. 

But if it wasn't like that for one of them and they needed fertility treatment, say IVF, what could I do to help? well obviously I would give them all the general information I could like what to expect at their first appointment, what tests you needed done before you saw a fertility specialist, what treatments they might recommend, the costs of treatments, the side effects of drugs etc. All these general things I guess are easy to explain to them, they are things they need to know, but there are other things I think they would need to know that perhaps wouldn't exactly have them jumping for joy, but if someone had told me these extra things to expect, well perhaps that would have been of some help?

The harsh reality is, I would tell them, you are probably at some stage going to feel lots of crazy emotions and you will wonder if this is normal or if you are being overly dramatic, well I can tell you now, they are all normal and not at all dramatic. You will probably start to feel like the whole world is against you, why did this happen to me? why can everyone else sail through this so called natural happening? what did I do to deserve this? you will start to hate the world and everyone in it, pregnant people will become your enemy, even strangers, you don't know their story of how they got pregnant but as far as you are concerned they are pregnant therefore you hate them. You will struggle to be happy for pregnant friends, you will know this is the wrong way to feel, after all they haven't done this to hurt you, but you will not be able to find the strength to be happy, you will think it should have been you. You will start to detest stupid adverts on tv advertising baby products etc and wish that the whole world wasn't surrounded by babies and being a constant reminder. You will start to feel like no matter how many success stories you read it really doesn't matter as it will never be you. You will start to hate life in general, nothing will make you happy, happy people will annoy you, you will try to find happiness in small everyday things and it may bring you some happiness for a while but then your mind will always go back to your sadness of not having a baby. You will start to get frustrated that no one else understands properly how you feel, even though friends and family try so hard to help and understand, you know they don't really get it and you just wish they would. You will start to constantly feel like you have become a different person, someone you don't particularly like and someone who generally has a bad attitude. You will feel sick, tired, feel like you are constantly being poked and prodded, you will feel sore, you will be broke, you will feel grumpy, you will be bombarded with all sorts of information that  constantly changes, you will feel like you are ruining your relationship, you will feel like your sex life is slowly becoming ruined. All of these emotions are normal, and my god there are alot! I really really hope that anyone who does treatment has a success the first time round and is able to dodge most of these feelings, but if not there is an up side that really really does keep you going, and ultimately keeps you doing this to yourself time and time again.

You will have days where you can see extreme hope, somehow there will be something that makes you keep going, weather its a few kind words from a nurse or just a hug from a friend, there will be something that will make you carry on, I promise. There will be days when you feel extreme excitement and you feel great and cant wait to make this dream a reality, there will be good news, at some point you will hear some positive news, weather its just something small like you are responding well to the drugs or something bigger like you have had lots of eggs fertilized, there will be some good news and I can tell you now that will make you more happy than you have felt in weeks, you will experience kindness from people that you never expected, you will feel lots of love and support from people that completely over whelms you, open up to people, let them support you. Sometimes hope and some good news will be few and far between but hang in there as it will come. If you are lucky like me you will realize how amazing your husband/partner is, you will be so surprised by him sometimes and wonder how he ever manages to put up with it all, but he still does, that will give you immense amounts of happiness and something you will never forget.

The last thing I would say to the person struggling is there will be a baby for you. You need to keep remembering that, even if it takes even more try's than me I whole heartily believe there will be a baby for you, there will be an end to all this. When you feel like you have no more money and no more strength, find more money, find more strength, because at the end of the day it's only money. After me and my husband spending $26,000 on treatments there isn't a day that we wish we had that money back, its only money. Don't have any regrets, keep going, keep trying.

I hope even reading this now might help someone, who knows, I forget what family/friends read this so who knows if this has any affect but I will be here for whoever needs me in the future and I guess that's pretty much all you need to know right now.

On a lighter not folks, lets touch base on how everything is ticking along. Well today I am 7 weeks 3 days. Things have calmed down after my terrible bleeding episode on Monday night, since then the bleeding has eased off and today it is pretty much gone! yah! We still have our 8 week scan on Tuesday even though we only had a scan on the Tuesday just been, the doctor said we may as well keep it and have another look at our bubba. We also have our first midwife appointment coming up at 9 weeks. Today I had my last blood test through the clinic, my HCG levels are still rising well and no concerns there. After the 8 week scan with the clinic they are going to be cutting the apron strings so to speak or cutting the umbilical cord you may say, we will no longer be under their care. It will all be left up to my midwife. I must say when the doctor told me this I felt kind of sad, believe it or not. Its weird, I have been with them for so long now and especially over the past 8 months I have pretty much had contact with them on a weekly basis, and sometimes every day. We have grown a really strong relationship with some of the staff and we feel really comfortable with the clinic and getting treatment and care from them. It just feels a bit sad that a stranger will now be taking care of me and my baby. Gardner guy said last night that wouldn't it be nice if the clinic could do everything and you could be under their care right till the end. But as we know all to well there are lots of couples that need their attention now and we are done, we have been helped, but it wont be the last they will see of us, will will be back when we want to use our frozen embryo to try and have a second baby!

How am I feeling now? well still tired! so tired. Very hungry, my latest obsession is Apple Pie. I still don't have any nausea, lucky aye!!! there are a few moments where I kind of gag but really nothing to even mention. I went to put on a denim skirt this morning and it was a bit too uncomfortable, bugger, there's that one down the drain already, mind you it was quite a snug one to begin with so I'm guessing that the fluid or whatever you call it has just pushed me over the edge and that skirt isn't going to be in action anymore. That is really all though, I feel pretty good and blessed that our baby is strong and still with us.

My last word would have to be to any friend/family member who is trying for a family I sincerely hope it is an easy road for you, but sometimes life is not kind to us and we don't know why but wherever there is a black hole there certainly is a bright opening and once you crawl your way out of the black hole and into the bright opening it will surely be amazing. Don't give up, don't let failure be an option and always know you have a friend who is here for you and will never give up on you and will keep walking along side you.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

We have a heartbeat!

Hi all, So after last nights terrible bleeding episode (see last post), me and gardener guy were left feeling like we had had yet another tonne of bricks thrown on our back, we were super nervous about today's scan and really just unsure as to what the hell was going on.

I had the worlds worse sleep last night and I even dreamt that I had woken up to blood everywhere, but no, when I actually did wake up and went to the toilet it appeared that the bleeding had gone. This morning when I properly got up I was greeted to brown blood (I know, sorry for graphic details), but it did seem alot lighter and there was no proper red blood so we were feeling like we might just be alright. Mind you that doesn't really take away the sheer fear we got from having to go back to that damn clinic and sit in that damn waiting room where we have spent so much time getting hard bad news and going through really difficult times, I just didn't really want to be there.

As we sat in the waiting room contemplating weather we were going to lose this miracle before it even all began, gardener guy told me he was shaking, he was so scared and I kept heavy breathing like some kind of heart attack patient. Our doctor finally came and got us and in we went. I explained the blood to him, he didn't seem to think it sounded to bad and he set up the scan machine and I got ready and as soon as the image came up on the screen, the doctor quickly said "well I can see a heart beat already, its ok"! oh my god!!! He then looked around and told us there was nothing wrong at all, the heart beat was strong and we got to see it, which was really cool, was like a little flicker, kind of like a little white mark pulsing on and off. He measured the baby (as you can see from the photo, the baby is in between the two yellow crosses), and he was all happy with the measurements, the baby is measuring 6 weeks 6 days, and I am 7 weeks, so pretty much bang on. As for the explanation of the blood, he was not concerned at all and its probably just old blood flushing itself out and it seems to be getting lighter and lighter now. Our doctor also reassured me its perfectly normal that I still am not feeling any nausea and he told us to relax, as from what he is seeing on the scan there is a 90% chance that this baby isn't going anywhere!!! Yah for that.

I think I really have a new appreciation for people that go through a miscarriage, especially fertility patients, I got a small glimpse into how terrible it feels to be so so happy and then feel like its all getting taken away in an instance and it was not nice. I used to think to myself, well at least those people that have had a miscarriage have been pregnant, at least they have had the joy of having that, I now know that was a very wrong way of thinking, having something then having it taken away from you is just as bad as not having it at all.

Once again me and gardener guy are more thankful than ever, our little baby is hanging on in there and that's beyond amazing. Let's hope that is the last scare, I'm not sure I can take much more, I really will end up being a heart attack patient if we have anything else go wrong. For now we are surely thanking our lucky stars!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Im Bleeding

Unfortunately we are currently having a bit of a scare! I am writing this as am hoping for some feedback that may be of help to me and make me feel better.

So at about 7.30pm I felt something in my knickers, like a drip that just didn't feel right, so I checked and it was blood! I ripped my knickers off and showed gardener guy and burst into tears, uncontrollable tears, how can this be happening to me? This is my worse nightmare. Anyhow I was panicking, but gardener guy was great as usual, he told me to calm down and this can mean nothing. We decided to ring the clinic emergency number so we would get put through to our fertility doctor, I couldn't talk so gardener guy rang him and we have a scan scheduled for tomorrow at 11am. Our doctor told us to try not to panic and this can be completely normal and it happens alot, so now we just wait till tomorrow and pray that our baby is still alive and the heartbeat is nice and strong.

I went to the toilet a wee while after the scare and there was blood in the toilet and some blood when I wiped. I put in a pad and there has been a little bit of spotting. I just went to the toilet now and there is now no blood in the toilet but still brown blood when I wipe, but definitely less. I have no cramps either. I really hope this is ok, I know so many woman who have had this and are all fine so lets hope that's me too. My HCG levels have all been rising really well so that's a good sign too.

I tell you what, I have never felt quite so scared as I did when I saw that blood, in an instance I felt like our dreams were all slipping away. I now feel ok, I have to stay positive, I cant possibly take any more disappointment, I think I have been through enough. I feel like me and gardener guy have gotten so carried away in the last few weeks and then bam, just like this it all comes crumbling down. 

Nothing more to say, will let you all know what happens tomorrow. Prayers please for a lovely strong heartbeat. 

Sunday, July 3, 2011

We are going to be a family

You know that moment when you realize something magical is happening? the moment when it really clicks that something so amazing is happening in your life, when something small makes you really really believe that you are about to fulfill every dream you have ever had? have you ever had that moment? it may not be about finally getting a baby, it may be anything in life, it may be that your boyfriend asked you to marry him weeks and weeks ago but only just now you glance down at the newspaper he reads and it's open to a page advertising a wedding show, you then realise that something amazing is happening, it clicks. It may be that bakery business you have been trying to get off the ground for so long and it's only just getting by and then you realise as you are happily covered in flour and listening to your favourite tune on the radio as you create yet another delicious cupcake that you are already there, you are already off the ground, you are flying high in the sky, you are happy in your work and ultimately that is what you wanted, you then realise something amazing is happening, it clicks. It may be that dream house you have been looking for for so long and cant ever seem to find then you finally move in to the house, as you walk up and down the hall every day for weeks on end it is still just a house, a nice house but still just a house, until you go into the shed for the first time and see the last owners paint brushes hanging up unused and you realise right then what this house needs, you start to paint and paint and redecorate and just like that you have made that perfect house into a perfect home, you then realise something amazing is happening, it clicks.What I am getting at is any turning point in life, have you felt that? If you haven't then you are still lucky as you have a really amazing moment to look forward to and if you have felt that then you will know what I mean.

For me it was this weekend. So obviously its been a little while now since we received our good news, almost 3 weeks ago, I will be 7 weeks on Tuesday! and obviously I knew that this is all happening and how cool and exciting it all is, but I guess for me I had that clicking moment in the weekend. Let me explain.

Me and gardener guy went to the baby factory, not to get something for ourselves but I desperately needed a new double buggy for work purposes, the 2 boys I look after are coming up to 2yrs old and they are getting so heavy and the double buggy I have for them is old and is starting to lean to one side and its just getting to hard, so we went to look for a new one, I saw the perfect double one which will be getting delivered in the next few days but while we were there the single buggy I wanted for ourselves was on sale with $100 off its original price so it was a good price so we decided to grab it while it was cheap. So we get home and gardener guy turns into assembly guy (he's so versatile that man)!, and he starts pulling pieces out of the box and putting it together, all fairly simple, I mean it's a buggy not a damn spaceship. Anyhow the buggy was all up, all the extra bits tried out, rain cover, sun cover, discussions over the cool cup holder, discussions over gardener guy doing early morning walks with the baby while I'm lounging around in bed and then we decide ' ok lets fold it down and put it away', sure easy enough aye? after all I have been looking after children for 10 years, I have pretty much come across every buggy know to man and have managed to fold down every one with ease, so there really should be no problem folding down our perfectly easy non spaceship buggy right? well no. Gardener guy starts reading out some strange instructions from the manual that are clearly making no sense, "pull that out, push that over the pin and that's it", well I'm pushing!!! and what pin? nothing seems to be working, this buggy ain't going anywhere, its not budging, its holding its ground, it does not want to be folded away. Gardener guy starts pulling at pieces that so clearly have nothing to do with folding it down, like if I take the cup holder off maybe the whole thing will magically fold down and walk its self into the spare room? ahh no. Anyhow after all this carry on I - the woman, grab the instructions and realize what gardener guy has been shouting out to me are not even the right instructions, pull that out and push that over the pin are not the damn instructions on how to fold it down!!! I flick through the booklet and find the actual right instructions and just like that, a minute later the buggy is folded down!!! Men!!! for goodness sake! It was pretty funny though!

Now back to the moment I was talking about, the moment something clicks. Well after we had established just how easy this buggy was to fold down, my gardener guy decided to show me over and over again how fast he was at putting it up, opening up the hood, putting on the rain cover, and being ready to go! then folding it all back down. This was just the cutest thing, there was this fully grown man (ok, well almost fully grown), getting so excited about this buggy and just wanting to get out and about with it, he was pushing it round the house telling me how he cant wait to get our baby into it and just like that it clicked! As I was standing there watching something that was pretty un-extraordinary happen I realised I am really going to have a little family all of my own. Wow!

You know what, over the last year in particular I mostly had feelings that nothing magical was ever going to happen for me, that my life was just a constant struggle for happiness, that I was pushing people away with my bad attitudes and all my doom and gloom, and perhaps I did push some people away somewhat, perhaps I did lose a few people along the way, and perhaps I will push more people away as I become a more and more strange pregnant woman but I certainly hope not, I hope people can be happy generally, I hope everyone I love gets that magical, it has all clicked into place moment just once in their life. (Jesus Christ, I sound like some kind of over the top spiritual mental person!, what is happening to me).

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this strange post or what I'm actually trying to say exactly except I guess I just realised that we are really going to be a family and guess what, that felt really nice, oh and not to forget that woman always know how to fix things better than men, be it a buggy or a spaceship, we are always right, if ever there was an important thing to remember it is, woman rule, men suck.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Who ate all the pies?

What does a cold, mouth ulcers a tired pregnant woman and a strange hunger for pies equal? Well me. And thank god it's Friday, I can hopefully get this cold and ulcers cleared up, I can sleep and eat pies to my hearts content.

So today I am 6 weeks 3 days. Over the last few days I have come down with a annoying cold, I pretty much put this down to all the kids I look after having colds and they keep spreading it round, no matter how much I tell families to keep their children home it still seems to fall on deaf ears. Anyhow I now have terrible ulcers on the tip of my tongue as well, if you have ever had these you will know how sore and irritating they can get, to the point where you really just want to bite them off (which by the way was a very stupid suggestion by someone when I did a google search), I don't think I will be doing that. So here I am a bit under the weather at the moment but that wont dampen my happiness. I went to acupuncture last night and he made me up a little pregnant friendly potion to cure the ulcers and actually this morning they do feel a little better, I think they will be gone over the weekend. He is my very own miracle worker that guy! I have 3 more sessions with him then I am finishing up and really the $65 a week will very much come on handy. But I would so recommend him to anyone for any kind of illness really.

So pregnancy symptoms, I think I have been really lucky so far, no nausea!!! and so I shouldn't really aye, I dealt with enough to get to this point so I deserve an easy pregnancy. Hopefully I am not speaking too soon!. The tiredness is still around and the last thing to mention or not, is my boobs, do I really go there? do I really go into such creepy, don't need to know details? hmmm...... I figure I have been pretty open and honest up until now so I may as well carry on, after all I seem to have no issues telling you I was sitting in a baby bath half naked a few months ago right, so how bad can a few booby details be? well last night I noticed they just seemed alot larger and alot more full and everything just seemed to be a bit larger and out there! get my drift? for a few seconds it kind of freaked me out! so there you go, ill leave it at that. My last pregnancy symptom and definitely my favourite one is the food, I seem to have started the cravings. Yesterday I just needed a mince pie, and I mean really needed one. It was 10.30am and a pie was all I could possibly think about, so when my friend came to visit she picked me up a pie! great! I am not really a big pie person normally, I mean yes they are yum, I may get a small savory sized one occasionally, but not a full sized one at that time of the morning. I could easily eat another couple right now and I'm writing this at 8.20am. I also really really want cakes. I have another friend visiting today and she is bringing some cakes with her. Yah. Feed the big piggy. As always would love to hear every one else's symptoms, but if you are going to try and take the last pie in the bakery be prepared to lose an arm.

This morning I had my blood test to check my levels again. Since last week my HCG has gone from 6401 to 37,349, which the nurse said was in the perfect range. All is going well and we are just hanging out till our 12th of July scan.

Mince and cheese pie, bacon and egg pie, steak and kidney pie, potato top pie, pork pie, chicken pie, fish pie, give me them all! I suppose I need to be careful about my pie consumption as it's not exactly healthy for me or the baby and I will end up looking like a big fat pie and I wont be able to blame that on the baby just quite yet. You know that song, who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies? well I think we all know the answer to that now don't we.