Monday, February 28, 2011

The old fashioned way

Some old fashioned ways and things tend to be better. Good old fashioned baking and cooking cant really be beat, old fashioned values of the man treating a woman like an actual woman, opening the door for her, taking her to a nice restaurant and not expecting anymore than a peck on the cheek.These days people just buy crappy fast and convenient processed food and some men's idea of a date is meeting a woman at a bar, getting wasted and taking her home for a quick shag on his dirty old sofa. I'm not claiming I'm not guilty of either of these things, (I have spend some time on dirty old sofas doing less than desirable things, then downing a greasy BK Burger),  but I think sometimes the old way is better than the new way. Where am I actually going with all of this? well we are having to do it the old fashioned way till our next IVF cycle, and I must say, where baby making is concerned, the old way is just not working for us.

Till our 2nd IVF cycle in April, the old fashioned way it will be. Obviously doing it the old fashioned way hasn't exactly been a rip roaring success, and it's actually unlikely It will be, but another month is always another try, and I've never been one to miss a perfectly good opportunity, however unlikely it may be. This coming week will be the right time to conceive, I will pull out the good old ovulation kits from the cabinet, dust them off and get my groove on. Lately I'm so used to everyone else being in control of my situation, someone else made me ovulate, someone else put gardener guys sperm inside me, and then of course with IVF someone else took out my eggs, made a baby in the lab and put it back inside me. No sex involved, unless you count my gardener guy's ever growing relationship with his hand to produce his sperm sample. Hmmmmm.....Lovely.

So the typical scenario for us when trying to conceive naturally starts with me obsessing about ovulation, telling my husband it's time, trying hard for the couple of days we actually have a slim chance of it working, and then waiting again. Of course all the funny habits will probably resurface again, being me lying on the floor after the deed is done, legs in the air trying to do a head stand to get the little buggers up there. It's just such a bloody carry on. Oh yes trying to have a baby at the start is all fun and games but after a while, mark my words it becomes the most stressful thing you will ever do, then add actual fertility treatments to it and you have yourself a recipe for a shit load of shit basically.

I don't think I'm going to obsess or be crazy this time, I've been there, done that enough, we will just try and see what happens, i think I've turned a bit of a corner and feel ok about waiting till April, and having the acupuncture and Chinese herbs helps, so old fashioned it will be. I know all those stories about people who did failed IVF's then got pregnant naturally and quite frankly anyone who tells stories like that to me is not helping, it's unlikely and those stories are just damn annoying. Speaking of annoying, today for the first time in a very long time I took the little boy I look after to a music group, so it was filled with mums, babies and all the annoying talk that comes out of there annoying mouths, it was all ok, till I sat down on a couch and turned to my side and there were 2 very pregnant ladies having a good old chat about all their pregnancy bullshit. Seriously I think sometimes pregnant woman have some kind of sensor and they spend their days trying to track me down. Really I just wanted to smack them in the face. Fat cows.

Old fashioned ways have come a long way, luckily living in this modern era has opened up a whole new way of doing things, a whole new way of helping people with all sorts of problems. New technology and science is amazing and I'm thankful it is around to help us out, but at the end of the day nothing beats a good old fashioned kiss and cuddle, that is something that is not going to happen in the lab, so I think ill take a few of the old fashioned ways, and mix them in with a few of the new ways and that will be our recipe to make a perfect little baby, that will grow into a man who will open the door for a woman, or a woman who will bake an amazing loaf of bread. The old fashioned way.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Your unknown courage

I really like this quote "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to ones courage". It gets you thinking, does this mean the more courageous you are the more your life will expand? I have been so courageous going through fertility treatment after fertility treatment and yet my life hasn't really expanded. I haven't got my baby yet, so how can my life have expanded because of my courageousness right? well no, not true, had I not been through all this and been so courageous to keep going I would have never realised how strong I can be, I would have never discovered how hard things can really become and how good it feels to battle and keep going despite the odds, I would have never realised the amount of love and support that was right under my nose, but hadn't had a reason to pop out until this. So I believe this quote to be true, you just need to search a bit deeper to get your own meaning out of it, don't lose courage, don't let your life shrink, the more courage you have, the more your life expands. 

This last week has been damn hard, and I mean hard, it has kicked me in the arse, I have used humour in my posts as a way to brighten everyone up and also for myself, so we can all see the funnier side of this shit, but there's  no denying its hard, but its ok, because if we keep that courage up, keep it going strong, our life will expand far more than we can ever have imagined, it will expand in ways you don't even realise it, And I know it often feels like your life is shrinking, trust me on Saturday when I got that negative result I felt like my life had shrunk to the size of a pea, but the more courage i gained and slowly started to feel strong enough to get back up and keep going, just like that my life expanded again, that pea grew into a giant cabbage, or something like that, (I do live with a gardener don't forget).

Find ways to let your courage grow, finds ways to prove to yourself how strong you can really be, you have the power to change your life, and one day when you have your precious baby and are feeling so happy and blessed and living a life as a mother, perhaps you can pass that courage you gained onto someone else who so desperately needs it, and show them how to expand their life. Just the same way you did. It wont always be hard, It will one day be easy. Easy, happy, fun, chaotic, busy, full of life, and of course that little drop of courage in the background keeping life all held together.

* Ps: Could all this sudden surge of advice be a result of my acupuncture and Chinese herbs? has it changed my mind, body and spirit already? Have I turned into an inspirational life giving speaker that people will travel from far and wide to hear? clearly I have no qualifications to be giving such advice, but what the hell, we all should pretend we are someone to be listened too, shouldn't we? just once in our lives.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Chicken is like the devil

Chicken is not my friend anymore, simple as that. They cant be trusted, the way they peck around sticking out their creepy little necks, their beady eyes, and that suspicious clucking noise. Chickens are evil.

This evening we had our first acupuncture appointment. We arrived to soothing music, and in we went. We had a consult, the practitioner asked us questions about our conceiving history, our general health and our fertility treatments. After he got all his information we went through to have the acupuncture, I hopped up on the bed on my back and my gardener guy sat on a chair next to me. I had needles in both big toes, in my ankles, 4 in my lower stomach area and 3 in my left ear. I was kindly asked to lower my pants so he could insert the needles, this is when I said to him "its fine, I'm not shy, if you want me to pull them further down it's ok", I think he just didn't want to embarrass me or make me feel uncomfortable, Yeah right, not possible after all I have been through, my vagina is a free for all area! He then got some strange Chinese herbs that were rolled up in a cigar type thing, he lit it and started waving it over my vaginal area, where the needles were. When he brought it in, I was thinking 'am I meant to smoke this'?....... It felt really nice and warm being waved over my toxic vagina. I left with a bottle of Chinese herbal medicine, 2 tablets twice a day, so there you go, more medicine. I am now booked in for a session once a week. We are both feeling really good about it, apparently there had been success stories come out of his clinic, so I really hope we become one of those.

Now back to the chicken issue, listen up if your having problems conceiving. We were told to keep up with our healthy eating, but the main thing is, stay away from chicken!! a big no no. Chicken's have been pumped full of hormones and antibiotics, so we are not to eat it. Only organic chicken and organic eggs. Luckily we have a butcher very close who has great organic chicken. So there goes any McDonald's chicken burgers, any chicken takeaways, chicken sandwiches, having breakfast out because of the eggs. But hey, it's all manageable. 

I would say tonight was a success, we are feeling good about this approach, we always hope this will be an amazing cure and work, and bring us our baby,it feels good to have someone different help us, of course we still have to help ourselves, sex is obviously important, we need to have it! with the whole IVF, sex didn't even need to happen, so I better get out some fancy panties and get gardener guy in the mood again.

Next time you eat a juicy chicken burger, a crispy roast chicken, fried chicken nuggets or even just a chicken sandwich, think about what this crappy bird may be doing to your reproductive system, and instead reach for a nice tasty cow. When I was little, I always had a strange love of cows, i never cared for chickens, so there you for thought.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

And the earth shook......

Yesterday at 12.51pm at Christchurch in New Zealand the earth shook violently. A devastating quake struck at the worse possible time, people in the central city were at work, out for lunch, kids were at school. Building's were destroyed, people were trapped (and still are), and worse of all lives were lost.

 When something terrible happens to you on a personal level, you tend to think that your life is coming to an end, you are the saddest, most depressed person out there. Then something bigger happens, and you realize the whole world does not revolve around you, and life is hard for many people, bad things happen to other people too and what a shame it is.

Yesterday I watched the news for most of the afternoon, Then my gardener guy came home to tell me someone had crashed into our car and left a scratch. It was pouring with rain, the kids were inside going nuts, my husband was trying to frantically sort out the car situation, I was bleeding alot and had been in alot of pain all day, the news was on with terribly depressing and shocking images, and I think it just became too much stress. All I'll say is at one point I threw the phone across the room, and ran out crying, then later on I threw a pair of kitchen tongs and ran to bathroom crying!. My husband was stressed, I was stressed, Family were ringing me to try and work out if other family members were ok in Christchurch, and I think I just snapped. I think between the IVF failing, the fact that I have a terribly painful period which is probably me bleeding out the embryo, the car, and the horrible earthquake and trying to reach family, I just got to a point where I wasn't coping. I'm clearly still not myself.

Today is a new day for me and the residents of Christchurch, hopefully my period calms down and the pain eases off, hopefully today seems somewhat brighter for Christchurch, hopefully there are some miraculous rescues today, and lives saved. 

I guess in my little corner of the earth, my life was shaken with bad news on Saturday, but when you look at the bigger picture, there is alot more terrible situations out there, and I need to be thankful that I'm safe, well, and able to fight another shaky battle, for many unfortunately yesterday was the last battle they fought.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Shove some more needles in me.

Acupuncture is the new plan. Today I made an appointment at a natural health clinic. So the plan is to do acupuncture once a week, every Thursday night. Our first appointment is this Thursday, and he will also discuss with us about Chinese herbs that will help us too. So we are both very much looking forward to this appointment. I was pleased as it's a good price too, the acupuncture is only $65 per week, and really what else are we spending the money on, nothing. 

I feel a little freaked out about acupuncture, its weird isn't it, but I've heard so much amazing feedback about it that its worth a bloody try. I am a wee bit concerned about needles in my face, apart from that I think Ill be fine. Ill take every Thursday night as a time to relax and get in a real good place, both body and mind. Am I morphing into a free loving zen hippy......... not quite, I refuse to go to my appointment's in those weird loose white one size fits all hippy pants, although with the extra weigh gain from all the drugs, this may end up being my only clothing option.

I also expressed my concern about my state of mind, and told the practitioner I wanted to shift the way I think to a much more positive frame of mind, he told me he can definitely help us both out with this too, so that will be just great. Ill walk out of the clinic feeling so relaxed and at peace ill practically be horizontal, carry me out, I'm too chilled to walk. 

As for my frame of mind at the moment, well I'm still a bit fragile. This morning when we woke up it dawned on me that it was shitty Monday, I had to work, and I was not pregnant. Smear some shit on toast and slap it in my face! that is what it's like. My gardener guy asked me if I wanted him to stay home with me, without a second though I said "yes, I don't want to be without you". So I got up and got sorted for the boys arrival, when one of the mum's arrived to drop off her little boy, there was a wee situation, a situation i never expected. She asked me how I was feeling then she gave me a hug, and I lost it, I started crying and it took every ounce of strength to get it together, because obviously I didn't want to seem too unprofessional, this is my job, caring for her son. I have no idea where this came from, and I wouldn't have though in a million years that I would just crack like that, yes in front of friends, but not her.... I guess I thought I was a bit more together then I actually am. In between all of this, my gardener guy came racing out into the lounge to see what all the commotion was and quickly helped the situation by talking to them. thank god, I kind of got my shit together. Of course they were lovely about it, but jesus I guess I'm actually not ok at all. 

So there you have it, 2 days after a failed IVF and I'm not even near being stable. 4 failed fertility treatments, 2 years of trying to conceive, and what do I have to show for it, a damn big debt, an extra layer of fat, a broken heart, the worlds most viewed vagina ( and I'm not even getting paid for it), and enough tears to sink Noah's ark.

But on the up side, I've inherited some great blogging friends, more support that I could ever have imagined I would get, a new appreciation for my husband and the most coolest of all, a killer pair of boobs!  Not even a failed IVF will deflate my determination nor the boobs.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Healthy Living

The above picture shows my gardener guy's efforts. He's not called gardener guy for nothing! these are just a small selection of the treats he has been growing for us. Why are you writing about this you may ask? have you given up on baby making and are you turning this into a healthy food blog? Well no........ but this is our new direction. After yesterdays devastating news, we woke up this morning sadder than ever, and that's when I decided something had to change.

To begin with, it's not like we were mega unhealthy people, of course we ate plenty of veges, and generally not terrible eating habits. Although we enjoyed pizza, unhealthy sugary fruit juice, chippies, chocolate. So that's all gone. We went to the supermarket this morning and completely re changed our whole style of shopping. drastically! We brought fruit, all lean meat, salmon, fish, brown bread, nuts, hummus, fruit & veg juice and of course we didn't need to buy veges as we have them all in our own garden. This is pretty huge for us, I have never committed to eating really amazingly healthy, yes I've been through fazes, and really we weren't all that bad to begin with, but I've never felt this strongly as I do with this. I guess after yesterday, I just woke up today thinking I had 2 options, to stay in bed, being sad, going over what if this, what if that, feeling sorry for myself, or get the hell out of bed and do something positive. And something inside of me made me get up, go outside and say to my husband "how do you feel about changing everything", his reply was the best possible answer, "Ill do whatever it takes, Ill do whatever it takes to make you happy". perfect.

Once we got shopping, we both got really into it, and I think this will be great. Not only will it make us both so healthy, and get my body ready for the April IVF, but I think it will really start to improve our state of mind. I'm not one of those really weird kooky health type people that we all snare at, but maybe they aren't so weird after all. I think they have really got something good going on. Fruit, veges and good eating = yes, turning into a creepy, unshaven legs, unshaven under arms, no deodorant wearing naturalist who lies around in the the back garden chanting and drinking spirilina = no. We will find a healthy medium. 

We are still beyond upset, we wish today was different, and I wish I didn't have to force myself to get out of bed. But that's the way it is, It cant be changed, I cant let sadness over come me, I cant fall back into a black hole. I need to do things that make me feel better, like this new eating craze, more research on alternative medicine, getting started with acupuncture, continue writing. My life will continue to revolve around getting pregnant, just this time around it will be a much more positive, healthy, happy approach. Any bad vibes, negative energy, cakes and pies should be left at the door please.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Broken Heart

This is not good news. I cannot begin to express how heartbroken I am. Me and my Gardener guy are crushed.

We got up early this morning to go and have my blood test, Then we came home and waited. This was the hardest thing ever, we decided to go for a walk on the Petone beach, but that didn't help, we kind of walked round the house aimlessly waiting for that call. I don't think I will ever forget that call. We were both standing outside in the back courtyard, and the phone rang, I hear the same miserable sounding voice from the nurse that I'm so familiar with, "I'm sorry, It's not good news" and that was it...... I couldn't hear anymore, I handed the phone straight over to my husband and he mumbled a few words to her then the call was over. The worse call of our lives, it was meant to be the best call of our lives.

We went inside and sat on the couch together and cried. The more I cried the more I made my gardener guy cry. He held onto me, and after a few minutes of saying nothing, he started to say all the right things. He started to comfort me, to tell me 'we are strong, we can get through this' 'we have each other' 'your so strong we will be ok' 'we can do another round' ' It will happen for us'. Basically anything he could manage to get out he did. He told me he cant bear to see me upset anymore and he will do whatever it takes to stop the sadness.This is when we discussed other natural treatments to do between now and April, (April is when we will do another IVF cycle). 

My gardener guy rang his parents, all he could manage to say was "it isn't good news, Ill call you later". That was all he could say, the same thing when he rang my parents. I text a few people that were waiting to hear and that was that. all over. hopes destroyed. 

I cried alot, and for a long time, and by no means am I ok as I write this, but I still write this for everyone that wants to know how we are, and cares. I don't feel anything anymore, I don't think I will ever be successful, And I don't think I will ever be the same again, This has made me as tough as stone, I surprise myself how I some how manage to get up and start planning for the future, my determination is something I'm really proud of, and something I never knew I had until infertility.So that's something at least, something ill take away from all this. That has to be good. doesn't it. 

Me and my gardener guy discussed alternative medicine, As our minds never stop thinking of ways to make a baby, even when we are destroyed. I have rung and left a message with a Natural Health Centre, someone I know referred  me to this place as apparently they deal with infertility. So I'll keep you updated when we hear back, I also plan to start acupuncture. We are both the type of people that need to be doing something, I cant lie around for 2 month's doing nothing, I cant waste the 2 months by going out and getting boozed and having lots fun, and making my body more unhealthy, no way, not when I could be doing something to help with the next IVF. Getting our baby will continue to be my number one priority. It's funny how money suddenly becomes so insignificant, we just don't care anymore, we will pay more money for our 2nd IVF in April, and in the meantime we will pay more money for natural medicine. Money doesn't matter at all.

But for tonight, we plan to get some wine and pizza and curl up at home together. Before we have to face reality and get back to work and the same mundane things. 

If you are one of the lucky people that have children, treasure them every single day, they are treasure. They are so special and they should never be taken forgranted. For many of us out there, to get these little treasures is a struggle, We have to dig deep into that treasure chest and hope we get a jewel. The treasure has not being thrown at us, We have had to follow a map, that sometimes leads us down a never ending path, and when we get there, it happens to be the wrong path, so we have to start all over again, right back at the start of the map.We have had to start all over again, we haven't yet got our treasure. We haven't yet struck gold. Will we ever reach the end, I like to think so. There must be a little treasure with our name on it, the question is when will we get it?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

2 more sleeps

Yes, we are nearing the finish line. Only 2 more sleeps to go. To say I'm scared would be a huge understatement. I'm petrified, anxious, a bundle of nerves. And it's not just me, my husband seems more nervous this time around, he talks about it all the time, and we wonder what we will do if it fails. 

Last night right before we were about to get into bed, my gardener guy gave me a big hug and said to me "I'm so scared about Saturday", well your not the only one, we are trying to stay strong, its just like hell, all this waiting is a nightmare. My gardener guy is a sensitive wee guy, this has become more apparent over the last few months, I feel this has made our marriage stronger than ever, to have a strong marriage is essential through all this. We are lucky to have each other.

I guess there is nothing more to say, we just wait now, nothing at this point can provide distraction or help. This plays with your mind and leaves you mentally exhausted. I need a rest.

On a lighter funnier note, the vaginal issue seems to have magically sorted itself out, I got a call from the clinic and apparently it was thrush, I have to get cream if it flares back up again, but at the moment it's ok. The nurse did say thrush is very common in early pregnancy, so what do I read into that? Was I pregnant and am i now not because the thrush has gone? or does having had it mean I am pregnant? we don't know whether to take the thrush as a good sign or not. Who knows.

A line from sex and the city, that just came to me last night for no reason, and I think this is simple but quite true. Carrie is depressed in Mexico after big not going through with their wedding, she ask's one of the girls "when will I ever laugh again" and one of them replies "when something really funny happens". Simple but true. A few days later Charlotte Pooed her pants after eating too much chocolate pudding and Carrie laughed. Something really funny happened and she laughed, and I guess if this all fails and goes horribly wrong, I too will be feeling 'when will I ever laugh again' and i guess I will, when something really funny happens. Now I'm not suggesting that one of my friends should eat mass amounts of pudding and hold it all in, then come over to my house and poo their pants just to make me laugh, but I guess I will get my funny thing one way or another.

But we are not going to need something like that to make us laugh, because when we get out positive result on Saturday  we will be laughing all the way to the baby shops. Laughing, screaming, skipping, hugging, and not a fake smile in sight. I suppose then we will have plenty of poo in the pants to deal with, Although after hundreds and hundreds of nappies, I'm not sure it will hold quite the same humour as Charlotte from sex & the city pooing her pants.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Im Sick and tired of.........

Today is hard, every day is hard at the moment. Both me and my husband are really struggling with this wait. Only 3 more sleeps and we find out the biggest news ever. Getting up in the morning is hard, I just want to sleep the day's away. I have no idea if I'm pregnant or not, I have no clues, I give up trying to guess. I feel really mad at other people for not getting what it feels like, I'm mad at people who have children. When I start to feel like this, (and  I have been here before), this is when I want to take my Gardener Guy by the hand and run away with him. I cant deal with everyday life.

Here are some thing's I'm really sick and tired of.........

I'm sick and tired of people telling me "it will happen soon", of people saying "your not alone", people saying "if it doesn't happen this time, take the time to relax and enjoy life again" - Well fuck you, It may not happen soon, you have no damn idea, I do feel alone, even though I'm not, and you try enjoying life when all you want is a baby, nothing else matters, nothing else is fun and nothing else will make it better. It's not going to go away just because I go out shopping and buy a fancy dress. That will not make me happy.

I'm sick and tired of feeling like everyone else gets it easy, when you decide you want to have a baby, you do. I'm sick and tired of going into that damn clinic, week after week, and all the staff actually knowing who we are, no need to check their file, they have been in here heaps, we know who they are. I'm sick and tired of not remembering who I really am, what I actually used to be like before all this, how I felt before all this. I have forgotten. I'm sick and tired of trying to stay positive, why do I have to do that, it's not fair, it's not easy. 

I'm sick and tired of a sunny day not being sunny, a happy event not being happy, someone else's amazing news not being amazing, a smile I give you not being real and saying I'm ok when I'm not. 

I'm sick and tired of having baby clothes that aren't being worn. 
I'm mostly sick and tired of the fact that this horrible infertility has stripped me bare, has ripped my heart apart and left it dangling in pieces, every day it slowly gets weaker and weaker, And the sad thing is the only thing that can repair it is the one thing I cant seem to get.

ps: I'm not sick and tired of all the kind words from bloggers, family and friends. I'm not sick of all the love and support, so never stop giving me that. that is something I can never get enough of.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Where's my dignity

I'm starting to think my blog name needs to be changed to the inappropriate blogger - a woman's guide to being overly honest, having zero dignity and owning it. Some thing's just probably shouldn't be shared, but in this blog they have been, oh yes, they have been shared, they have been shared like a bad bout of crabs, the more you keep going the worse it gets. I cant stop being inappropriate, and I'm not apologising, merely letting you know.

Which brings me to my next open topic, I was back at the clinic again today, they wanted to get a couple of swabs of the area done incase I have an infection, at this stage it's not dangerous to the potential baby, but it could be later down the track, so that's why they need to find out.So legs back up in the air, back in the stirrups, uncomfortable speculum back inside me, dignity gone. As if I had any left. Mother's say you lose all your dignity when you give birth, well mines gone already, when I head into the hospital to give birth, I may as well stroll in there bottom half already off saying "I don't need a private room, save yourself the hassle, ill just give birth right here in the waiting room". Anyhow I will know the results in 2 days. In the meantime I've been told to lay off the yoghurt, so much for the miracle cure! and keep up with the cold salt water baths. So back in to the baby bath I go.

Who needs their dignity anyhow, I never had much to lose in the first place. I guess inappropriate honesty and dignity don't really go hand in hand do they.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

And the fire continues to flame out of control!

After yesterday's creepy post, I'm sure you were all left thinking surely thing's have to get better, and please don't write about IT again well they haven't got better, and I am going to write about IT again. The flaming fanny issue has got far worse. It's not a mild flame anymore, it's a whole fricken bush fire!

I rang the nurse again this morning explaining how it had got far worse, she asked if I could hold off till tomorrow so she can speak to my doctor and see what he wants to do, I may have to change to progesterone gel stuff, which cost's a lovely $15 per day, just to show off my maths skills, that's a mere $105 a week. for god sake! then if I do end up being pregnant, I could be on this stuff for another 4  - 6 weeks! So yes a bit peeved, but really once I'm pregnant we wont give a damn about a stupid $105 a week. Anyhow we will wait and see what the Doctor suggests, in the mean time I'm allowed to smear natural yoghurt on the area, and that has provided some relief.

As if people don't already think I'm weird enough, well you should have seen me last night, or actually just as well you didn't. So I was in quite a bit of pain,I didn't want to sit back in the bath on my own staring at the wall for 20 minutes, so I came up with a brilliant idea, I got out the baby bath someone had given us ages ago, and decided to fill that up with cold salt water and sit in that. So there I was trying to shove my obviously over sized ass into a baby's bath, just so I could sit in the lounge and watch TV. Just a regular Saturday night really, half naked, sitting in a baby bath.

I also spoke to the nurse about the possibility of a dreaded second round of IVF. I explained we were going to go ahead with another round if need be, I really wanted to know when we could start that, unfortunately we have to wait for 2 periods to pass, so we would be looking at an April start. That's shit really as it's more waiting. But oh well, my poor ovaries etc need time to get back to normal. But that's not happening because this is working. I keep reminding myself this isn't an IUI cycle, its IVF so we have so much more chance.

I really hope that any of you lady's that have an upcoming IVF, don't have to be sitting round in cold salted baths ten times to small for you and smearing yoghurt all on your lady bits, just too soothe the situation, anyone would think think I was having some kind of dinner party in the bathroom, as I walk in there with a salt grinder and a tub of yoghurt. IVF is not glamorous, so if you are heading into this leave those sexy sparkly heels at the door and put on a pair of practical sandals, you don't want to slip when getting out of that baby bath.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Flaming Fanny

Oh dear, Is this going too far? Am I being too open now? don't read any further if your not fully prepared to hear about the horrible, disgusting things that IVF brings. Actually you should read on, this is what we infertile woman have to deal with so please do read on.

Flaming Fanny seemed slightly, and only a little slightly more lady like as the post name, than say flaming pussy, which is what the picture depicts. But you get the drift, different name, same body part. And yes it's flaming! This brings me back to those damn pessaries, these are the culprits, they have started to make my lady parts very irritated, burning, want to crouch over a bucket of ice cold water, scratch it to death feeling! horrible right.

So I called the clinic to ask if this was normal as I was worried I had picked up some kind of flesh eating disease that might eat my embryo know, perfectly normal kind of stable thoughts. The nurse assured me this is very normal and it's to be expected, and to try and sit in a bath of cool salt water for 20 minutes, so I might have to give this a whirl tonight. Brilliant isn't it, just another horrific thing to deal with.... I told you these pessaries were going to give me grief, I tell you, when I'm finished with them, ill want to destroy the damn things, but at the moment they are going to have to stay with me. Bugger.

After yesterday's post that left everyone feeling a bit sad and glum, especially myself and my Gardener Guy, I want to leave that behind us, after all we cant change what happened, and we still have this special one left, So lets look on to the future, my day of being sad is behind me.My In laws are coming back over here to New Zealand from the UK for Christmas this year, and hopefully for the birth of our baby, we like to think we will be having a baby for them to meet either end of this year or early next year, there's that good old positivity. We will also do another round if need be, we will get there and manage. there's no stopping us.

Oh my goodness, the thought of more injections, more bruising, more headaches, more bad moods, more bloating, another egg retrieval, another full bladder embryo transfer, more tears, more stress of waiting, more bad news, well that's just an awful thought, but Ill do it all over again if  I have too, Ill do anything to get a baby, even if it does mean getting a flaming fanny all over again! ouch.... can someone hand me a fire extinguisher?

Friday, February 11, 2011

Drowning in tears

 The tears have been flowing again. I feel like I have so much to get out in this post, so bear with me. The Embryologist rang me this morning with the terrible news that neither of the remaining 2 embryos reached the blastocyst stage to freeze. They will be destroyed today and that is that. Gone. We now have the remaining one they transferred into my uterus and that's fucking it! The dream of having a baby is once again slipping further and further away and hope is now fading into the background AGAIN....... How can I be getting more bad news again. What the fuck is going on, I'm younger than people that get frozens, what the hell is wrong. 

I'm beyond upset, when i got off the phone with the embryologist I cried, I rang my Gardener Guy and cried. He is mad as he thinks the clinic give you hope and then you end up with nothing, I understand where he is coming from but I try to remind him, what else are they meant to do, they have to stay positive for their patients. So much for avoiding stress and upset, I'm trying so so hard to keep it together and keep my body relaxed for the sake of the remaining embryo, but I tell you that's damn hard.

After deciding to have a baby almost 2 years to the day, we were so excited and full of hope, we had just got married and what could have been better than to decide to start a family, from that extreme high, to feeling low that it wasn't happening,When we seeked help and I had surgery to remove endometriosis stage 3, we were then all hopeful again, we thought we had got rid of the problem and it would work in no time,after 6 month of no luck we were then back to being low, how could it still not be working? We then had another high when we started our first round of Artificial Insemination (IUI), we felt great, we were doing something extra to help us and we never though then that IVF would come into the picture, Que another low, first IUI failed, but we kept going, we could afford to do the recommended following 2 rounds, We still had hope. When the second failed we were left low again, a little more low this time, we were worried we only had one round left, then that was the end for us, so we put all out heart and soul into the last round. Another terrible low, and for me probably the worse so far, a failed IUI result on Xmas eve. After this low, I cant really say there was a high for quite some time, we went away on holiday and tired to work out what to do next. But where there is a low there is a high, and it came when we organised to start our first cycle of IVF, I think this was a big high for both me and my husband, we were so excited, IVF was the big time, it was great to start, and that brings us to today, the low again, no embryos survived to be frozen. We are left with the one inside me and that's it. We have no more money, we cant qualify for funding until August 2012 so this would be it. Would we do another round? well I like to think somehow if this fails we can sort something out but that's too much to bare thinking about. I really hope we get another high, and aren't left on this low.

I feel better having got all this out, so now i need to get it together and get positive for our remaining embryo, this is not over yet, and we need to keep reminding ourselves of that, but I feel my strength and courage fading and I don't like it, I'm starting to feel weak. I take my hat off to everyone else that has been through as many lows as me, this is a damn hard thing, the hardest thing I've done in my life, its not for the faint hearted, you have to be strong, and battle like hell to carry on. You have to face the sadness every day and you are always looking for that ray of hope, that's what keeps me going, I always try to find that teeny tiny ray of hope, and that's what I must do now.

Please please let us get that high again, we so need it. If this remaining embryo survives, it will surely be a miracle baby if ever there was one.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Weird Science

Why is it that scientist's are always a bid odd? I know it's a bit of a stereotype, but really it's true.

This morning I rang the lab as I couldn't wait any longer to find out how our remaining two embryos were doing. First of all, the embryologist's in there are damn weird! they certainly don't have the kind caring people skills that the nurses do, but then i guess they are staring at embryo's all day, so they don't get much chance to brush up on their conversation skills." Hi embryo A have you met embryo B and C, they are looking good, perhaps we should all go out for a drink soon, just don't invite embryo D, he's a bit deformed and we don't know if he will make it through the night", anyhow, so I rang and spoke to one of the embryologist and they were going to find my file and ring me back. I tell you, this is all very confusing when all the embryologist's seem to all have the same weird accent, so my guy rings me back and I'm thinking, hold on, didn't i just talk to you earlier,, see they trick you, that was the other weird guy with the same accent.After all the deciphering of  who the hell I was talking too I got my answers. So far both embryos are developing, one is almost at the blastocyst stage (thats when it can be frozen), the other isn't far behind, he pointed out that he still cant say yet whether they can be frozen as who knows what will happen over night, but at least they haven't stopped growing, they are heading in the right direction. Yah for that!  

Other thing's that have been happening, well lots of talk about having a baby, mostly by my Gardener Guy, he gets excited, talks about our own children all the time, and what he would do, he even suggested building a cot himself,that is where I drew the line, outside tables that's fine, cots, no. I told him he could make a change table instead, so that kept him happy. I tend to not get too carried away about baby talk as I'm too fragile, and ill save that for when I get my positive result. Then there really will be no stopping me!

That's all for today, cant wait for the results tomorrow, I'm sure they are being very careful in the lab, and not creating some kind of super human embryos, that come out with ten arms or anything like that. Ill stop taking the piss out of the scientists now, after all, we can all be a bit weird sometimes cant we?, but of course I'm not, I like to think, I'm not weird, I'm limited edition.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Dont move it might slip out

Today I feel scared, I know I'm ok to move and be normal, but when you have struggled this long to get to this point, one is allowed to be paranoid. If I cough too much it might rattle around too much in there, If I hang out the washing should I try to use as little movement as possible, If i fold the washing will the embryo run away screaming,  when i walk should i try and hold everything in? Probably best to never do housework ever again. I know that all of this is so so silly but I do worry.

Yesterday when we got home from the clinic, My Gardener Guy brought in and hung out the washing, and cooked dinner and did all the dishes. I felt really lazy just eating dinner then just walking away leaving all the mess, but at the same time it gave me a lot of evil pleasure watching him do it all!  And so he bloody well should!

I have spoken to my nurse at the clinic this morning as I had concerns about lifting the children I look after, she basically told me you can do what you normally do, if your body is used to walking and pushing a buggy that's fine, just don't start doing something out of the ordinary, like training for a marathon. Yes that is very out of the ordinary for me, in fact so much so that it will never happen ever, so no worries there.I'd rather eat my arm off than train for a marathon, ok well maybe not my arm, just my finger. She did say that I should be careful lifting the children though, as when someone lifts they tent to lift from the stomach muscles (stomach muscles, what stomach muscles? stomach fat you mean), so be careful. Upon that advice I am taking the rest of the week off work so I can rest.That way I'll just feel better that i didn't overdo it. By the time I get back to work the little bugger should have decided whether it wants to live in my uterus or not. Fussy bugger if not, what more could one ask for than a gooey, warm abode.

Also something funny the nurse said, that the uterus appreciates a happy, relaxed person, it can feel if I'm tense and stressed and it wont be a cool place for my embryo to be. So no stress, just chilling out for me. A healthy happy mind equals a healthy happy uterus.Pleasant strolls, movies with friends and cuddles are all a good idea. A special upcoming event on Monday the 14th Feb is our wedding anniversary, we will have been married for 2 years, so I have booked us dinner out, that will be nice. My Gardener Guy can be very sweet sometimes, last night he went outside and picked me some strawberries, blueberries and raspberries and a peach, he told me to eat them all up, He is trying to keep me in tip top shape, very funny. Imagine when I'm actually really pregnant, I wont be able to even go near a packet of chips.

So today no coughing, no moving, no housework, no cooking, infact don't even look at me, I might break. For now I may as well milk it and pretend I'm as precious as a glass statue, why not, men should work for their woman right? Don't be mean you might say, I say its not mean, its clever.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Our baby is in!

So it's done, Our wee 8 Cell Embryo is in. Everything about our hopefully to be baby is determined, its sex, hair colour, eye colour. how amazing! As the doctor's say I'm now pregnant until proven otherwise. I feel really quite emotional knowing our embryo is in, all it needs to do now is implant itself. Go on embryo, burrow yourself in there, get in nice and tightly. Above is the picture we were given of it, wow! Kind of looks like me! kidding......

Today went really smoothly, I started  drinking my water to get a full bladder, and can I just say that is not fun. All the drugs, all the needles, the egg retrieval, piece of cake, having a full bladder when they are putting a catheter into your uterus is so so so uncomfortable! so first we had a talk with the scientist, he explained that we have an 8 cell embryo, a 9 cell embryo and a 10 cell embryo. The 8 Cell was the best, so that's why that went back in today. He is going to leave the other 2 in the lab to see if they get to the blastocyst stage, then freeze them. We find out about this on Friday, so the stress never ends. After we saw him, I went and got my gown on again in my cubicle and waited, then into theatre, they had a look at what was going on inside me with a scan on my tummy, then got the catheter ready and in it went, we were able to see the embryo go in on the monitor, it was like a little white dot that shot in, was very cool. One of the nurse's even said, "oh that's cute", really?, I think you have been looking at far too many embryos! After it was done I was able to empty my bladder, thank god! that was such hard work. On our way out we got our blood test date and some more bloody pessaries, oh great.

Now the dreaded wait begins, I've been here before and sometimes it can be worse than all the treatment. It's isolating as your not hearing from the clinic everyday, its just me and my Gardener Guy nervously waiting. I start to drive myself a bit insane, I over analyze things, I battle not to think about what it will be like to have our baby, and really just spend the whole time preparing myself for the worse. That result day is pretty much the scariest day ever, I wouldn't wish that feeling upon anyone, extreme hope, excitement, and then horribly low sadness and anger all in a blink of an eye. Its hard stuff. Through this whole journey it has been my emotions and what is going on up in my head that has given me the most grief, as I'm sure many of you know it's so hard to even begin to explain to other people what it's like, unless they have been there, and felt all these things, they just cant know. And thank god for that, I wouldn't want my friend's or family to feel how I have over the last 2 years, and especially over the last 4 - 5mths. Perhaps I can help someone one day if they do happen to go through this, I would then know why I went through all this, to help my friend or family member.

So everyone, There is a miracle growing inside me now to look after, I am on bed rest for today and all of tomorrow, so lots of watching movies and sleeping, after that I'm back to working but will be taking it easy. The day of our result is Saturday 19th Feb, so watch this space. 

Today I wore a special charm bracelet that was given to me by my mother in law, and as I was lying on the bed in theatre and as they were inserting the catheter to put our embryo in, I gave the little four leaf clover charm a rub, and said in my head, let this work, let this give me luck, let all the support and love and good wishes we have had count for something. Let us have our baby.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Transfer is on! away you go 4 cell embryo.

The Picture above shows a 4 cell embryo, Just like our one that we are going to get transferred tomorrow. Can you believe it! I certainly cant. Doesn't much resemble how I vision the first picture of our baby, but I'm sure it will get cutier, and more human like.

The scientist rang again this morning and the progress report is as follows. Over night the 3 fertilized eggs developed into 3 strong embryos. We have 2 four cell embryos and 1 five cell embryo. They are all really good apparently.They are going to transfer a four cell embryo into me tomorrow, the reason behind this is they feel it's at a good strong quality now, so why risk leaving it out of the body longer. They will then keep the other 2 in the lab and hope they develop to the blastocyst stage and then freeze them! I will be absolutely delighted if both the remaining ones are good enough to freeze. That takes a huge strain off us if this fresh transfer fails. We then have our 2 frozens to fall back on. And transfer for a frozen is way cheaper!!! So the stress isn't over yet, we all still have to pray the 2 leftover ones keep strong!.

Transfer is scheduled for 10.45am, we have to be at the clinic at 10.15am. I have been instructed to go to the toilet at 9.30am then that's it, drink over a litre of water and no more emptying the bladder, talk about uncomfortable! Its uncomfortable enough them prodding round up there, but with a full bladder, now that's hard. Hope I don't accidentally pee on them, That would sure make them work for their wages. "today i got peeded on, does that deserve a bonus"?. 

I'm so excited and really nervous at the same time, I cant believe it's happening! I try to shut myself off and not think too much about it, as I'm not too sure how i'll cope with another failure. I spoke to my favourite nurse this morning and told her how scared I was feeling, she told me I was doing really well considering I've already had 3 unsuccessful IUI's, she said I'm coping well with the emotional stress and to try and think positive. I have also decided that if it fails I will use my free counselling session, I will damn well need it. perhaps that will help me pick the pieces up. If it fails I'm also keen to start a frozen embryo transfer asap, although my body is doing all sorts of weird things and has been so pumped full of drugs lately, I'm still keen to battle on and get the frozen one started. But let's stop all that talk, It may work, there is more chance of success than failure.But sorry I just cant get too carried away yet, I have to look after my heart. I don't want it broken more than necessary.

On other news's I'm still battling with the pessaries, I just don't like them. They are creepy, messy and freak me out. Especially last night, after I had inserted the 2 night ones, I made the mistake of going to the toilet too soon after and one of the casings that the progesterone is in came out. Yuck. My Gardener Guy kept telling me "shove some more up there", I don't want my lining to be too damn thick, the embryo will suffocate. But upon speaking to the nurse all is fine and dandy. I am going to the movies with a friend Saturday, Ill have to take the damn things with me, could I stand up and say "excuse me everyone, can we pause the movie while I go and stick 2 tablets up my fanny"?, that's is neither appropriate nor attractive. Can you and your creepy vaginal pills please leave the premises. I can see this is going to be a constant source of entertainment for me and my equally creepy friends. 

Just to creep everyone out more, I'm terribly constipated! I hear this is a side effect of all the drugs. It's not too nice, I hope it sorts itself out soon, I'm literally backed up to the hilt. I fear my honestly may have gone a step too far lets just never discuss that again.

By tomorrow afternoon our wee embryo will be settled into it's new home, hopefully enjoying all the comforts my uterus has to offer. If it does decide not to stick around, perhaps I need to think about upgrading the facilities, If it does decide to stick around, I promise ill make it the best place it has ever been, and when he/she joins the world, I will continue to make their life the best I can, full of love, laughter and a great story to tell he/she when it's older.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Our little 3.

So over night our 7 eggs and Gardener Guys sperm were left to do there thing. We got a call from the embryologist this morning and out of the 7 eggs, 5 were mature, which means 2 were too small, so they were out. Out of the 5 mature eggs, 3 fertilized. So I guess it wasn't exactly Romeo meets Juliet type of magic last night, but it was definitely something. The scientist said the 2 mature eggs that haven't been fertilized by hubby's sperm,still have a chance, they may just be lagging behind. He also seemed quite pleased with the result, and we did expect something like this. I now hope the embryologist is keeping them warm and comfy, do they need a pair socks to put on? Keep them cosy please.

Our hope now is that the 3 fertilized eggs, keep going strong and are splitting into cells nicely, and perhaps the other 2 might get fertilized over night. The scientist will ring us again tomorrow to tell us how they are progressing. It's so stressful really, you go from 9 follicles to 7 eggs retrieved to 5 mature eggs to 3 fertilized eggs! the numbers drop so quickly!

Me and My Gardener Guy have been discussing it all alot today, what do we do if we only get 1 and we transfer that and it fails? how do we pay for ivf again? We will be over the moon to get even 1 frozen embryo.It seems to becoming more of a reality now though, as we had coffee out today, Gardener Guy said "it's like we have got triplets waiting in the lab" he kind of feels like we have got 3 little Gardener Guys fighting to survive. If they have half as much spirit and get up and go as him they will grow into a 30yr old adult in the petri dish!

More waiting, till tomorrow results, I would love to hear other Lady's numbers, eg: amount retrieved, mature and fertilized and embryos left. Give me a bit of hope. I am still very confident and still think that this is really going to work, I have to think that. what other choice do I have?

Just to throw in something yuck, I'm still bleeding, I have left a message with the nurse, but really I don't think it's anything to worry about, and I'm using the pessaries 3 times a day, how weird are they!! Little balls that you stick in your vag = extremely creepy. But once you push them in there, they just kind of magically disappear. 

Till tomorrow we wait. Everyone is putting out lots of good vibes which we really appreciate. Prayers, Spiritual blessings, Ancient rituals and any other kooky fertility magic is welcome and appreciated. Anyone know the Indian god of fertility? does he take bookings? Is he free next week?

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Loving in the Petri Dish. Egg Retrieval, Done.

Egg retrieval was done this morning. And I'm now at home resting. It all went well and we got 7 eggs. The doctor was really really pleased with that, normally the magic number he likes to get is 6, so we got 1 better! As i had said in my previous post, that i had 9 follicles, well 2 of them didn't have an egg in them. But that was to be expected. So great news. 

We arrived at the clinic at 9am and we got taken into a consult room with the scientist who went over how the next few days were going to go with the eggs and sperms and development, we got up to speed on all of this then My Gardner guy was taken away by the scientist to go and give his sample. He had packed his laptop and earphones, as he decided to watch some porn while doing the deed, as their magazine selection is a bit rubbish! Ha Ha....... Something had to get him in the mood! I said to him this morning "for god sake's make sure the ear phone's don't come out, then the whole clinic will hear what your watching"!. If your a man and in this situation, it's not easy. Poor lad. 

While he was giving his sample I was taken to my cubicle and got into my gown and before you know it My Gardener guy came back (must have been some good porn!) sorry, getting carried away, no more talk about porn. I was then injected in my arm so they could feed the drugs in, when I went into surgery. We then waited....... I got nervous.

When we went into surgery were there were 2 nurses, my doctor and the scientist. I was hooked up to a couple of weird looking machines and had these tubes put in my nose that gave me oxygen which felt really strange. My Gardener guy sat in the doctors chair and the nurses told him to move, unless he was performing the surgery, It made light of the situation a bit, as did the fact that my nails were painted the same colour as the scientist scrubs, I joked that I tried to colour co-ordinate with him for the occasion. When you legs are hoisted up in stirrups and you have everyone looking at your bits, a bit of comical relief is much in need. So i was then given the lovely drugs, which instantly took effect and made me drowsy and basically like I had smoked a big fat joint. ahhhh bliss!

It was all over fairly quickly with only a bit of pain, I was then taken back into recovery where I just wanted to sleep, we were given tea and biscuits and sat in there for about and hour and a half. My blood pressure was too low so I had to drink more and the nurse checked it a few more time's and then we were all good to go home.

I have a bit of bleeding (which is normal) and bleed I quite alot in surgery, My Gardner guy told me that the he saw quite alot of blood while we were in there, I'm oblivious to it all, again poor lad for seeing all that. I was then given vaginal pessaries which I use 3 times a day, till my results and then if I'm pregnant I continue to use these for a while. How charming.

Now we just wait, the scientist is going to ring tomorrow and tell us how many eggs were fertilized by the sperm and how they are progressing at dividing into cells. It's funny because about 50,000 sperm are put into a petri dish with 1 egg, and still the idiots can have trouble, It's the egg, It's picky about what sperm it will let in, Kind of like picking a man I guess. There is a whole lot of men out there, most of them are dud's, and there is only one right one, let the egg be picky, It's only to be expected, it did come from me after all. I don't want no half grade loser sperm in my egg, I want a sperm that will pick up his laundry and cook dinner thanks.

I really hope that magic happens over night in those 7 little dishes, with my 7 little eggs and Gardener guys feisty sperm. Let's hope a love affair is created and the egg and sperm become one. 

Friday, February 4, 2011

Late night blogging

I'm sitting up at 10.46pm, when I should be in bed. I cant sleep, my mind is awake. I decided what better way to put it to sleep then to write. My husband has gone to bed and I'm sitting alone in the quiet lounge,and I'm not so much worrying about tomorrow, just thinking.

I feel a bit teary and weird tonight, and I don't want to start sounding like a mental case who blows things out of proportion, but this is big. This is really big for us. I'm fucking scared! Yes i swore, but really doesn't all this ivf carry on deserve at least one fuck. I'm not scared about the procedure tomorrow (only a little nervous), I'm worried about myself, I'm worried about my husband. I don't want to feel unhappy anymore. Maybe it's just these bloody drugs making me all weepy and silly, but for god sake! I worked out I've had drugs in my system for almost 5months straight! One's bound to lose the plot from time to time. I may regret writing all this rubbish and letting the whole world see it, but I cant sleep and who really care's anymore. 

I have thought and talked about babies and trying to get pregnant every day for almost 2 years, I haven't let up, not even for a day, I have dragged my husband into this depressing, difficult, sad existence, yet he wouldn't have it any other way. Tonight he held my hand as we sat on the couch and he said to me "I'm nervous about tomorrow, all the drugs, everything we have done, is all for this". When he was given some money as a gift recently, he couldn't work out what to spend it on, he told me all he wants is a baby. He is such a good man. He hasn't really read my blog yet, he keeps saying he will, and I don't know if he is just too frightened of what he might read, but when he does read it and he gets to this post, he should know how great he is. Even if I act like he drives me mental and I want to throw garden tools at his head, He is great. 

At the risk of getting to deep and freaking anyone out, I really want to say how lucky I am, sometimes In life it's so easy to forget that people are on your side, even people you least expect, and when you realise how many kind, loving people you have in your life, it really makes a big difference.

Right, I'm taking my weirdo ass off to bed before I sink all my 38 followers into depression and lose you all. Night Night. 

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Egg Retrieval date set!

 The eggs are cooked, We are ready for retrieval! I had my second scan this morning and everything is good, I will do the trigger injection tonight and egg retrieval will be on Saturday! Yah. no more Puregon or Orgalutron. So that very creepy looking picture will be me on Saturday (cycle day 12).

For those of you who are about to undergo IVF for this first time or for family and friends that are reading this, this is how it will play out on Saturday. We are due in at the clinic at 9.15am, My Gardener Guy will give his sample then (He's an expert at performing at the clinic, after 3 IUI's - going into a clinical room to jerk off doesn't even seem weird anymore!), I am to take 3 Panadol at 9am, Then the procedure will be done at 10am. I will be given a local anesthetic and a sedative and away they go. My Gardner Guy will be in the room with me, so he gets to see all the excitement as the eggs are removed, as for me I'll likely be to drugged up to know what is happening. I then go into recovery for an hour or so, and that is it! All done. Then the magic of making a baby outside the human body begins! 
If we count 6 days from Saturday (egg retrieval), Its likely Embryo Transfer will be the 11th Feb, As my doctor has high hopes of my embryos making it to the optimum Blastocyst stage, they should be in the lab for 6 days. It's rather ironic and extra special if the Embryo Transfer takes place on the 11th February, as that is the date of my cousin's birthday, (he passed away last year). On the date of his birth, my little embryo may attach itself to my lining and become part of our family. I just thought it was a really nice way to remember him, on his birthday was the day our embryo was implanted.It makes it an extra lucky day for us.I'll be thinking of my cousin and he should be there in spirit with us.

So I really really hope it all goes well and pray that it all goes as it should in the Laboratory, It's just so nerve racking, I really don't want anymore lows, I'm feeling so good and positive today I just don't want to hit the bottom again, I've been there and I really don't like it. there's really nothing more to be said, we just have to let nature take it's course, Me and my Gardener Guy have done all we can. What will be will be.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Cluck Cluck Cluck.

I'm Mrs mother hen carrying my precious eggs, (not a chicken as I said in my last post, hen's lay eggs, yes that's right), clearly I'm not so clever with the farm animals. I'm bursting at the seams, There is no other way to describe it except I'm a big fat hen. I really hope all my eggs have continued to grow nicely and we get another real positive scan tomorrow. fingers crossed or should I say wings crossed.

I feel shit today, I'm fed up, I feel so grumpy and have a very short fuse, Just feel disgusting and fat with all my disgusting bruises and needle holes in my stomach. I just want to go to bed and watch tv. I have also started to get cramps in my stomach, similar to menstrual pains.... Now why is it that all the bad womanly things being with MEN?? MENstrual pains, MENopause, there's a reason behind that, perhaps it's just all the man's fault. Perhaps a man invented menstrual pains and menopause, so he decided to put his "Men" stamp on them. Bastards. Enough said.

So cycle day 9, here we are. Today was made a bit better when one of the little boys I look after, came and gave me a hug, when i was sitting on the floor looking distressed. Moment's like that is what will make this all worth while, when one of my little eggs does something sweet like that.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

My Perfect Eggs

Today was my first scan. I have perfect eggs. Or should I say follicles. (For non in fertile people, your eggs are inside your follicles). So.....Anyhow we got great news today. Really??? I never get great news, so imagine my surprise that something actually was going well! We got 9 follicles! And all are at the perfect size for this stage in the game, and all are of similar size, which is good that they aren't all over the place and there aren't some giant ones and some rubbish small ones. They are all around 13mm. Which the nurse said was great. She even said that we couldn't have asked for a better result! can you believe it. It just feels good to get some positive feedback. Long may it last. Lets hope most of those 9 mature and fertilize and keep growing correctly!

The scan was scheduled for this morning at 8.30am, but last night i get a call from the doctor saying he cant make it and had to reschedule for 11.20am, so I had to reshuffle all my work and just ended up taking the day off. Initially My Gardener Guy wasn't going to come, as he will be having more time off for the egg retrieval/transfer days, but then he decided he really wanted to come. We picked up some more drugs to keep us going and off we went quite pleased with ourselves.

After the appointment i decided to treat myself to 2 new bras, well it wasn't really a treat, more a necessity, as my poor boobs were getting crushed to death in my C Cup bras, I now need a D! holy mother of god, the jugs are out of control. I'm undecided if I like this or if it's just grose, but I can tell you my husband definitely doesn't think this is grose! "Ive got a wife with a D Cup, Awesome".  They have really blossomed since Ive been on all these drugs, I blame the Clomiphene I was on for my IUI's, since then they have just got bigger and bigger.

Although I am pleased about today's appointment, I'm under no illusion that everything is all peachy, I know things can all still go horribly wrong, there's still so many steps to go. I'm still hoping for 1 embryo to transfer and 2 to freeze. anything above that would be amazing. It's just so damn hard, there are so many stressful steps to go through, any day could bring things tumbling down. Any phone call from the clinic could be bad news, speaking of phone call's, I had to call the clinic to chase them up on my next scan, they are down a nurse so think they are a bit less efficient, anyhow next scan is Thursday 3rd, and very likely that egg retrieval will be in the weekend! Yah. Again a different nurse I spoke to made a comment that "wow you had a really great scan result today"! we are so glad, the 3 nurse's we spoke with today have all said that, so we are very pleased. So not long to go now till egg retrieval, I must say I'm a bit nervy about that, but I'm actually quite a fan of the sleepy feeling you get with anesthetic, so bring on that.And the fact that I'm starting to feel like a fat chicken who desperately needs to lay some eggs! I can feel them and they are starting to get a bit uncomfortable.

I  really hope my eggs become perfect poached eggs shall we say,and not a bunch of rotten hard boiled eggs. No one wants the over cooked eggs, not even sperm I imagine.So go eggs go. Go sperm go.