Monday, June 27, 2011

6 Weeks!

So tomorrow I hit the 6 week mark. Pretty cool aye! I know it's only been 2 weeks since we found out the good news but I'm pretty sure gardener guy feels like I have been a moaning pregnant woman for a hundred years! Its a pretty damn good excuse to get dinners made, dishes done and get plenty of cups of tea and Milo made for me. I decided not to provide another creepy Google images picture of a 6 week old fetus floating in goo, lets just say looking at an updated version of something that looks like an alien every week is sure to drive the readers away right?

So yes, gardener guy has been good, he has cooked dinner whenever I have said that I don't want to and he has taken it upon himself to do the dishes every night and generally run around after me that little bit extra. I think he is still just so happy that nothing really seems like a chore these days. 

So 6 weeks aye, I have heard from alot of woman that 6 weeks is when everything started to turn to custard. The nausea started and generally the feeling of really being pregnant. So what have I had so far? well I haven't really felt sick yet, I must say I do feel a bit shitty at nights but I think this is really because I'm so tired, speaking of tired, this is what I am all the time, this would be my biggest indication that I'm pregnant, I just feel tired alot. I am still falling asleep every night on the couch and to make it worse at the moment I have a horrible cold. My boobs still have that really heavy feeling but not sore. And that is all, nothing to exciting or creepy to report yet.

Buying? well we know no matter how much people say don't buy stuff right away, we all know that is just going to go right in one ear and out the other with me. I purchased a very cool Moses basket online the other day, for those of you who haven't heard of these they are very cute natural woven little baskets for baby to sleep in, like a portable bassinet, it has handles on it so you can move the baby around in it and generally just look super cute (and super cute it is, but thats not what the delivery guy thought when he delivered it and said "is that a dogs basket"!, the cheek of him!). Me and gardener guy have been and looked at buggy's and I think I know the one I want and we have picked out a nice white cot and matching change table. Later on we will put these on lay by so we can easily pay these off over the months. My mother has been buying nappies for me like I'm having 50 babies, but who can complain, not me.

I have spoken to my potential midwife and she sounds just lovely, I think we will really like her and I cant see any reason why we wouldn't want to go with her as our midwife. We have a meeting with her on the 19th July which will be my 9 week mark. 

As happy as I am I never forget how I got to this point and sometimes I think briefly, how could I have managed another round if It had come to that. I try not to think about it too much as it's over now and that is that but when I read other woman's blogs its hard to forget how horrible it was and still is for many people. I wonder if i will ever just conceive a baby naturally and stress free, who knows? I hope to be able to have a large family, but again who knows if I will get that? As much as I think I cant cope with anymore treatments, the reality is I would probably do it all over again in a heartbeat if it meant getting another baby, and the reality is I will be doing it all over again when we do a frozen transfer to try and extend our family. 

For now my mind lays with my 6 week old baby growing happily and healthy inside me and I'm looking forward to everything that comes my way. Thanks for the continued reading (if there is anyone still out there reading), and I look forward to hanging out more with my friends and family without having a black cloud over my head! Yah for that!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Ventilation Man

My husband has become obsessed with all things related to ventilation. If It can suck moisture out of the air, he wants it. Fans, dehumidifiers, fancy heater's, you name it, we apparently need it. 

This obsession started pretty much the second we found out I was pregnant. There was now going to be a very tiny person coming into our house that needs the house to be fully ventilated. I'm not complaining, it's nice that he is so concerned about this, its just funny. He has a plan to rip the whole spare bedroom apart and somehow make it as dry as a bone, I'm sure it will be like living in the dessert in the baby's room, hot and dry, not a spot of moisture there. We have got a dehumidifier from my parents and he has had that cranking every night and he proudly shows me all the water that has come out of the room "see, see, look at that, told you it was damp". He is searching for a heater to put in the room and he has plans of taking every thing out of the room and basically scrubbing it from head to toe. Rather him than me aye! Ill stick to decorating the room when he has done making it spic and span, that's much more fun for me. We also apparently need to get some kind of pipe thing to use for the dryer in the laundry which will hang out the window so when the dryer is on we are not getting condensation in the laundry, which by the way is no where near the baby's future room. But as I said I wont complain, funny man.

Apart from gardener guy turning into the man with the fan, what else has been happening, well I am waiting to hear back from the midwife, should hear from her next week. Symptoms are as follows, I am now 5 weeks 3 days and tiredness seems to be the main thing, I am always falling asleep on the couch at night and ok day time too, I think I need to get to bed before I start to nod off as then it gets too hard to drag myself into bed, I feel like my feet are made of concrete blocks. I have spoken to a few woman who have all said they started to feel sick at about 6 weeks, so I figured if it was going to happen to me I didn't have long to go, well this morning I woke up and felt a bit sickly, not terribly but enough for me to think, oh I don't like this. I was dry reaching and the more I did the more I couldn't stop! I tried to breath through it and had some water. Of course this happens on the day that I need to dash out the door to have a blood test so I had to suck it up really and go. When I got home I had a piece of dry toast and now i seem better. So I suppose its not too bad at the moment. My boobs have been aching still on and off and feel quite heavy. I also had possibly the worst nights sleep in history last night, I just felt yucky and had weird pains in my stomach so I just kept waking and feeling horrible, the last time I woke was at about 4.30am and the stomach pains were gone and I felt better so I got back to sleep till I got up at 6.25am.That is all for now, how are you other ladies who recently got a positive doing symptom wise?

The blood test this morning was my 3rd HCG level check and to check I am holding my own progesterone, I had stopped the progesterone pessaries on Tuesday so the clinic wanted to check I didn't need to start them back up. The results were my HCG level has gone from 1st HCG = 100, 2nd HCG = 696 and today's 3rd HCG = 6401.My progesterone levels were all good too at 663 which is plenty high enough so no need for more pessaries, It all sounds like my pregnancy is well and truly going well!

I'm so looking forward to the weekend and a sleep in, I have been up before 7am for 12 straight days, I need a lie in, so this weekend is going to be heaven for me. While I sleep gardener guy can air out the house till its so dry that our skin is peeling and tough as an old boot, I don't care as long as I'm left to sleep he can ventilate to his hearts content. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

5 Weeks!

Hi all, so we have made it through the week. I am now 5 weeks pregnant. Can I give birth yet? What a bloody long way to go! Gardener guy thinks I'm moaning already, Imagine how worse things are going to get for him, poor bastard!

Not that I expected to not make it to 5 weeks, but it's always a worry and I guess it will continue to be a worry. Will this pregnancy carry on? I think so, I am feeling relaxed and optimistic but as with anyone, natural or assisted pregnancy's there is always a chance for a miscarriage.But that's all I'm saying about that topic, its a waste of my time talking about something that isn't happening.

Over the last few days me and gardener guy have continued to feel happy and just continue to realise that this has actually happened to us! wow! It's pretty much still wow, all the time. 

Today I got a pregnancy pack in the mail from my clinic with lots of pamphlets and useful information. The most interesting for me was "coping with pregnancy after infertility", it went on to explain that often its a strange time as you go from having your whole life consumed by conceiving to then being pregnant and it can be a bit of a scary time, thinking that this isn't really happening and finding it hard to look to the future are all very common feelings apparently, as is the pessimistic attitude. I understand this, as with infertility so often I started to feel pessimistic, like it was never going to work, I was doomed to never be happy, and I guess when an infertile person becomes pregnant its also hard to believe that all your heartache is actually over and you can be happy. I don't really think myself personally that I am feeling any of this but its interesting to read all this and I understand why people would feel like this. 

I have been given alot of pregnancy books from friends so I'm just trying to get my head around all the information in those! I have another blood test on Friday so I hope my HCG levels continue to rise nicely. Speaking of HCG levels, I got a really interesting comment on my last blog post from a woman who had very similar HCG levels to mine and she is expecting twins!! oh shit! For anyone who is unclear what I mean, basically if you have 2 babies in your uterus, they are both producing HCG, therefore your numbers will be higher. Mine went from 100 to 696, I didn't think that was overly high, but this woman who is expecting twins had similar numbers. Anyhow there is no way of knowing how many babies are in there till our scan, my HCG may just be rising quick, which is fine, Its better than having low numbers. I don't think there is 2 in there but hey who knows! imagine that, going from struggling to get one baby to having two! now that would be crazy!.ha

I rang a midwife yesterday (she was referred to me by my friend), and she was on leave, I spoke to her backup midwife who told me to leave her a message and she doesn't think she is yet filled up for March so I will hear from her next week which will be good. I like to get everything sorted so I'm not left panicking.

Physically still nothing. I have spoken to a few people who said that they never felt sick till about 6 weeks, so perhaps I have a week under my belt to feel good. I know I shouldn't say this as I'm bound to regret it but I really want to start feeling something, I cant wait to get big! I bet I will look back and think "what the hell were you thinking you crazy girl". My boobs have started to feel a bit tingly and aching occasionally and I feel a wee bit tired but nothing major. Our baby is actually only the size of like a grain of rice so what do I expect!! common little rice, grow!

Soon my little grain of rice will be the size of a giant pumpkin or something like that and I will be rolling around the house wishing for my little small rice size baby back.  But hey, I'm happy, my little rice will get to a big pumpkin soon and then I will have my little baby and I can stop referring to him/her as items of food (no more, "hey fat pumpkin, come and put your shoes on") and actually put a face to our baby. how exciting!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Second HCG blood test and First scan date.

Today we got up early again, firstly because I have to get up at 7am to put in my damn pessaries, rain or shine, week day or weekend I am up at 7am shoving these damn messy things in. But it's all good they are serving a very important purpose. But this wasn't the only reason we were up early, we were up and out of the house early to get into town to get my blood test done before 9am.

I guess I was a little concerned about the results just because it was the first one after the positive and I think its only natural to be a little anxious. All this was laid to rest when my lovely nurse rang and told me my HCG levels have raised from the initial 100 to 696. She explained that this was really good and there was nothing to worry about. I will be having weekly blood tests every Friday to make sure these levels continue to raise. My progesterone levels were also fairly high so guess what? I can start to wein myself off the pessaries! hooray! I can now drop to just 1 pessarie, 3 times a day, and am to do this for the next 3 days then stop. I am pretty pleased with that news, but the best and most exciting news was our first scan date being 12th July, I will be exactly 8 weeks then and we will get to see the heartbeat, how special will that be! I am not sure if I will be able to hold back the tears for that one.

Today we went into the Baby Factory for a nosey, I brought 1 very soft white blanket, that was it, that's self control for ya isn't it. This blanket was so soft and cuddly it felt like it literally just got ripped straight of a lambs back. So the reason I contained myself wasn't really because I have my addiction for all things small and soft under control more because we are going to see my parents tomorrow and me and mum are going to Pumpkin Patch for a wee shop, naughty aye.

A strange feeling I have been having over the last few days and mostly today when my nurse rang is guilt. Let me explain. For so long I have been all doom and gloom and really really struggling, so I did feel like I always deserved lots of help and comfort and love from everyone and felt like i deserved the help and time from the clinic and today when my nurse rang me I kind of felt a bit odd, just like i didn't really deserve her time and attention when there are so many other couples that need her much more. Does that make sense? I kind of felt like "its ok, I'm fine now, I can fend for myself", I know this is a bit silly as it is their job to keep an eye on me and keep looking after me for a little while yet.  I also feel more sad than ever now when I am reading other ladies blogs, especially a couple that have had a failure on the same day as our success, that made me feel guilty. I know we deserve this as much as the next person and I am so grateful, I think this is why I am more grateful than say someone who conceived naturally and easily, I have been in that hard spot and know what it is like, and reaching the other side is really unbelievable and makes me feel blessed times 1000.

I still am feeling physically good, the cramps seem to be easing off, I seem to be falling asleep on the couch at night more than normal but that is all. We will hit the 5 week mark on Tuesday, every week is an accomplishment in itself to me, our little baby is growing and doing all sorts of amazing things in there. 

Thanks for reading and I will be back in a few days with some amusing tales for you all hopefully, till then take care and enjoy the very creepy/amazing picture I have given you today, of an 8 week fetus (which is when I will have my first scan), courtesy of my best friend google images.

Friday, June 17, 2011

3 Days later & my cat hates me

Hi all, So its been 3 happy days since we got our positive and what has been going on? well apart from the over the top happiness in our house  I now think my beautiful cat has one serious problem with me! Yes you heard right, ever since Tuesday (and actually gardener guy reckons even before that) she has had the shits with me. We have come to the conclusion she knows something fishy is going on and she is not happy. She looks at me in disgust, as if to say "how dare you bring someone else into this house", she has been giving out extra swipes lately and seems to be more in love with gardener guy and less in love with me. Soon I am just going to be a bit fat moaning woman sitting on the couch all alone eating burgers while her and gardener guy are cuddled up together giving me evil glares. 

On other news, well really there isn't any, as far as symptoms go I am still getting the cramps on and off and occasionally I will get some weird twinges, I also feel worse at night, I guess its just after a long day. Last night I feel asleep on the couch and woke up feeling horrible, was hard to drag myself to bed. Apart from that theres nothing major as yet. No sore boobs, no nausea, but I guess that will come so I shouldn't really wish that too soon. I am still using the pessaries until I'm told its safe to stop, I should get told when I can stop these after my blood test tomorrow. The pessaries are becoming more and more messy, so not attractive!  

I'm a little worried about the blood test results tomorrow, what if my HCG levels aren't rising well? I'm sure all will be fine, its just the first little hurdle to get over. I should get a 7 week scan date tomorrow too, so that's really exciting, for once it will be a scan to see something exciting instead of a whole heap of eggs. I am going to try and get a meeting with my friends midwife (not sure if I will do this before or after the scan, will ask my nurse what she thinks), but my friends midwife is meant to be great so will try and secure her. I have been reading all sorts of weird books and some are actually damn freaky! there seems like so much stuff to remember and get on top of, and I wont even go into some of the birthing pictures I have seen! let me save that for another post!

Gardener guy is great, he wakes every morning with a smile on his face and happy to go to work, this was just not the case before, things were getting on top of both of us, life was not fun for us, so to feel the way we do now is beyond great. 

I am trying to hold myself back from going absolutely berserk and shop like I'm expecting a baby any day, I just so want to buy stuff!! I will try not to buy any major things like the cot, moses basket, change table, high chair or the buggy for a while yet and just satisfy my need to shop by getting small bits and pieces. I was in the supermarket yesterday and couldn't resist buying some nappies, funny aye, I figured it doesn't hurt to stock up, I don't want to get my baby home and run out of nappies and have to wrap their ass in a plastic bag now do it! the cat wouldn't be the only one hating me after that.

That's all for now ladies (and any men reading, you are allowed to read, I pity you for reading all this, but good on you), till tomorrow results I'm off to try and beg for a little love and attention off my cat, I don't like my chances though, animals can sense things right? she is not impressed, well I'm not impressed, who will win, a stroppy old cat with serious confusion as to weather she is actually a cat or a human or a stroppy old pregnant woman who is pretty sure she will start to look like some kind of wild animal in the coming months? hmmm..... lets be honest, the cat will probably win, paws down.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The day after

So this morning I woke up pretty much still in disbelief, but not only did I wake in disbelief but for some reason very early. And do you think I could get back to sleep, oh no, I was awake and eyes open as wide as an owl on speed at 5am. That was it, so I have been up and pumping since then. Funny enough this has happened for the last 3 nights, I'm not sure if this is anything or just that I can turn my mind off.

So the above picture is actually mine, not just some image I have stolen off google and pretended it was me, this is a real life picture, the first time I have ever seen 2 lines instead of 1! The second line is lighter than the first (picture not the best, doesn't show it too well) but I know that's fine and as my HCG levels rise that would get darker, but there it is, a positive test, I may very well frame it and put it on the wall!

Today I am feeling high as a kite, I still am in utter shock and trying to get my head round all the amazing things that will be coming up during pregnancy, and also the less amazing, lets be honest no one finds hanging their head in the toilet spewing every five minutes amazing. But hey I wont complain, ok well maybe a little, ok well maybe a lot, only to gardener guy though. Speaking of the man himself, he left for work this morning with a right hop, skip and a jump, he was so happy and even left the house early. He told me he has had so many congratulations from work colleagues and lots of hugs and kisses, he said he just feels so damn good. As you may be aware by now we haven't ever been the type of couple to keep this a secret, right from the start everyone knew we were doing fertility treatments, I just didn't see the point in hiding it, if we were miserable and off sorts I didn't want people to think we were some kind of horrible mental couple for no reason. I know you always run the risk of telling people then having a miscarriage then having to explain to hundreds of people and I completely understand why people keep it to themselves for awhile, but I figure if the worst happens we are going to need support and we will get it because everyone knows. But of course each to their own.

Last night as me and Gardener guy lay in bed we started discussing a few things and imagining having our little bundle in bed in between us (hell no, our baby wont be sleeping in our bed, I'm talking about it coming in for a wee cuddle), I don't want to fall asleep and accidentally crush the poor soul. We talked about how now there are 3 people in bed, was all very cute and enough to make us infertile people want to gag, hell I'm almost gagging now, but you know what, after so much heartache and tears and screaming and needles and tests and feeling like life isn't worth living for, last night just couldn't have been any better, I feel so damn thankful I can even explain it. 

A while ago I thought that when I get pregnant I will stop blogging, I thought I wouldn't need to anymore, the purpose would have been served right? well the more I have blogged and the more people I have come into contact with through blogging, well it just seems almost impossible to close the book, I love writing and I love that I seem to help a few ladies and even make some laugh, I love that friends and family have got a really good way to follow our journey so why would I give all that up? I am going to keep blogging, and I hope that makes people smile and not say "oh fuck, haven't we had enough already", I think I would have been truly lost without this, that may seem a bit weird but before I started blogging I was in a pretty bad place, I felt alone, I didn't know how to deal with the emotions I was having and I didn't like who I was becoming. I can now say whole heartily I am in a much better place, I know how to deal with all the emotional ups and downs and I am sure as hell damn proud of who I have become. 

I continue to wish and hope for everyone to get a positive and when things seem like they cant get any worse and you cant go on (just like how we were starting to get), just hang in there for a bit longer, don't ever give up, And on days when it's all too much I hope you can flick over to my blog and I can provide some kind of helping hand just as so many of you have done for me.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

IM PREGNANT - Part two.

So everyone, I am going to write a more informative blog now that I have calmed down somewhat. For those of you who are confused, this is my second post today after getting my positive result, see last post. Me and gardener guy are sitting down relaxing and trying to let it all sink in, so here goes....

Today was a tough day, we were both stressed to the gills and to make it worse the phone call from the clinic was very very late. The phone call normally comes at around 1pm and there we were practically climbing the walls at 3.15ish. Gardener guy was starting to act strange, he couldn't take the stress, and next thing you know he has whipped out the feather duster and is dusting the house from head to toe while I am lying there convinced my period is coming on with the on and off cramps I was still getting. Anyhow once he had finished dusting the whole house and I was covered in dust i decided enough was enough and I would just call the nurse. We just had too, we were starting to think, had they forgotten about us? do they do the result calls in alphabetical order? do they do all the bad ones first and save the good ones for last?, so in a nutshell we were driving ourselves nuts.

I put through the call and my regular nurse answered, I told her I wanted to know if she had our results and she apologised as they were so so busy and she hadn't even looked at mine yet, she said "let me take a look" and I could hear her flipping through pages and then she said "oh wow, its positive"!!! she was so delighted for us and felt so pleased that she found out at the exact same time as us!Well I think I can remember saying something like "oh my god" and a few more strange noises, and from this my gardener guy gathered this was a positive, he just started hugging me and shouted "thank you" to the nurse. We got the due date (7 March) and got our beta number (100) and instructions to have another blood test on Saturday to make sure my hcg level is rising nicely, after that blood test we will get our date for our first scan to see the heartbeat.

I cant even describe how the afternoon went after that but something like this, we rang gardener guys parents in the UK who were waiting to hear, it was about 4am over there so they could barely sleep with worry but they were so delighted to get the news. I then rang my parents and I can tell you, what a great feeling it was to tell them the news, they were so so happy and mum said she has never seen dad smile so much. I rang my 3 closest friends and send out texts and a facebook message. I have been flooded with so many lovely messages and it just makes me feel even more happy, if that's possible.

Now that everything has calmed down, me and gardener guy are just happy. That is it, happy and content and exactly where we want to be in life, this will be a day to remember, I will never forget this for as long as I live.

I know that things go wrong, I know there is always the possibility for a miscarriage, but I am not going to let the fear of that ruin this for me, I am not going to even worry about that, I deserve to feel happy and there will be no more worry from me.

I also know how hard this can be to read if you are still trying to conceive, I know that reading someones good news is nice and gives you hope but also makes you sad. I have thought this many times myself, I have read many ladies blogs and thought "wow they are so lucky and they deserve it" but on the other hand I did feel like "why isn't it me", sometimes I thought it will never happen for me, even though I see all these great success stories it just isn't going to happen for me, I really really did, so it's really hard for me to grasp that this is even happening. I completely respect your decision should you choose to stop following my blog because it's too hard to read, and if you continue I hope I don't become too annoying and hope I can still give you a laugh with our future antics.

The support people have shown us has been amazing, everyone always seems so genuinely concerned and today everyone was so pleased for us, it just made me so delighted and over whelmed. I surely have some great friends and family and I hope to be able to repay the favour to them one day if they should be going through a tough time.

Tonight I go to bed with the biggest smile on my face and a full heart and when I lay my head down on the pillow I am sure to have the best sleep I have had in 2 and a half years dreaming about our baby.


Oh my goodness, I can hardly contain myself so might just be a short post till later, but I'm well and truly pregnant!!!! I always watched this happen to other people and finally its me!!!!!

My Beta number was a nice strong 100 exactly, which apparently is really good. And I am 4 weeks pregnant today, I will be due on the 7 March!

I don't even know what else to write as it hasn't sunk in yet, the relief is immense, the happiness is over whelming. The tears flooded out of me, I think they were 2 and a half years worth, that just came gushing out.

We have another blood test on Saturday to check my levels are rising well. 

I will do another post later tonight after everything has settled down and I can actually sit still and get some words out and thank a few people. Till then I just wanted to let you all know.

Holy Shit I am going to be a mum!! I feel like I'm writing this for someone else and not myself! I am going to be a mum! and as I thought, that look on my husbands face was damn priceless alright! today is a happy happy day.

Lots love, more soon. 

Monday, June 13, 2011

What will it be?

Oh my goodness, only one day to go till we get our results. To say I'm nervous would be an understatement. Tuesday just cant come too soon, either way I need to know. I need to either move on and get ready for a frozen transfer or celebrate!

I know my last post was a bit doom and gloom and I do feel alot more positive again, it was just the start of those cramps that freaked me out. Now that I have got used to them and I don't have my period I am feeling better. As for those cramps, well they have been on and off since Saturday, mostly they are quite dull cramps but they are similar to period cramping. They are definitely on and off, for example yesterday I was out to lunch with some girlfriends and there was no sign of the cramps and then that night they were back again. They seem to be worse at night, strange.

I'm freaking out, I still keep expecting to see blood when I go to the toilet, putting the pessaries  up there is a major stress in itself  (and excuse me for what I'm about to say), I always worry that I'm going to see blood but its always just the white sticky pessaries so far! could our good luck continue?

Last night I was lying in bed thinking about who I am going to ring, then the blog, then who I am going to text, then a message on facebook. I'm not shy, I will not be hiding it from anyone, I will want to scream it from the roof tops!

If it should be bad, well I pretty much know how I'm going to feel, I have been there before and its bloody horrible. It takes a hell of alot of strength and courage to get back up and try again, but really what choice will we have, we cant give up, so we wont.

Thanks for all your words of encouragement and help to keep my spirits up, We just cant change what is going to happen tomorrow the only thing we can do is try our hardest to manage it if we are dealt a bad hand, and If we are dealt a good hand tomorrow well you are going to hear from one amazingly excited over the top happy woman, please please please let it be good news!!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Feel like shit

Tonight I feel shit. I feel discouraged, I feel like this is all over, i feel mad at everyone and everything and I just want this all to end and find out what the hell is going on.

So you may be asking, what on earth has happened, you were so upbeat. Well I have been having a few cramps tonight, that feel like period cramps, I do know all too well that this could very well be a good thing, I know pregnancy cramping is meant to feel the same as period cramps and I do know if I am pregnant there is so much going on down there that can give me cramps so I know I should calm down but its damn hard when I have to live with my body everyday, I have to feel every stupid twinge and wonder what it is. It sucks.

Below I am going to list some symptoms I am having and what could possibly be causing it.

* Period type cramps, these come and go and have been most strong today, I currently have them right now, not particularly sore but very similar to period cramps, although my period wouldn't be due till blood test day on Tuesday. Possible explanation: Asshole Period or our little baby burying itself in nice and tight and everything getting sorted down stairs for its long stay.

* Extremely dry throat, feels like I need to drink constantly, not really sore, just feels dry in the back of my throat. Possible explanation: I'm getting a cold or I'm pregnant, I have heard this being a strange pregnancy symptom.

* Slight dizziness. Happening  now and then, mostly when I stand up from sitting. Possible explanation: I'm going mentally insane or I'm pregnant

* Strange twinges in ovarian area. Possible explanation: who the hell knows? or my baby!

* Snappiness towards gardener guy. Possible explanation: Stress, all this is getting to me or I'm getting my period hence the anger or pregnancy can apparently bring on this behavior.

Who had any of these symptoms and became pregnant, who is going through their two week wait and what are your symptoms?

That is it really, It is just these damn cramps that are getting me down, they just feel a little too familiar but then I am also thinking I'm not due for my period till Tuesday. It's so hard to stay positive when my body is playing tricks on me and stressing me out. I'm starting to worry about going to the toilet and wiping and seeing blood, I don't want to look, I don't want to know. I am still putting the pessaries up there 3 times a day, so obviously I wash my hands after this and if there is blood I will see it, so I cant really avoid that. I'm just fed up now, the two week wait is awful, I thought I was doing well and now that the results are 2 and a half days away I just cant bear it anymore.  
I just don't wont to do this anymore, I don't think its fair that I have to put up with all this, why have I become the unlucky one that has to endure all this crap and how the hell can something seem so close one day and so far away the next?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Still waiting for our miracle

Did you know that  the Emperor Penguin is the best dad in the world? male penguins incubate the egg under its body in the harsh winter, he even bulks up for this job, putting on an extra 40 or so kilos. Wow, what a dad that is! I wish gardener guy would take over and go and stand outside in the garden for 9 months with our little embryo tucked up in his pocket, what devotion that would be. I'm not sure what the mum penguin is doing while dad is out freezing his little furry ass off, but hey who cares, sounds good to me, she is probably sitting around drinking a glass of wine in a nice cozy ice cave waiting for dad to bring home the new baby. On the flip side of that amazing penguin dad, the worlds worst dad is the Japanese Cardinal Fish. He has a very interesting parenting style, he starts off by being a good dad and holding his baby safely in his mouth, but as with most males he loses his mind when he sees a good looking female, he figures that no hot female wants a single dad, so he thinks "what am I going to do"? I know Ill eat my baby, perfect solution, and he does just that! If Gardener guy ever sees a hot woman when we are out walking down the street and he proceeds to try and shove our baby in his mouth, well I might just have to divorce him.  

Now, I'm still alive and kicking. Just waiting waiting waiting. We are 4 days past a 5 day transfer, 5 days to go and I think I'm handling it fairly well so far. As the result day inches closer and closer my fear gets stronger and stronger. Our embryo will have completed implantation by tomorrow and have placenta and fetal cells, or it will be dead.

As far as symptoms so far, well I really don't think there is anything. I woke up on 2 days past transfer and 3 days past transfer and got dizzy when I got out of bed, today not so. My boobs are not sore, I have had the odd twinge and light cramp but I really have no clue if this is anything. Can anyone give me some insight into how they were feeling at 4 days past a 5 day transfer?

Me and gardener guy have been getting slightly carried away on a few occasions, chatting about baby names and other little things that we will do when I'm pregnant, I know we shouldn't be talking too much about the future, but it's so hard, everything has gone well so far and we are feeling happy so why not enjoy that why we can right? It might all end on Tuesday. At least for now we have hope.

Gardener guy still has the hideous beard, it seriously looks like pubes on his face!! It did look like a hedgehog on his face when it was prickly, but now it has got more fluffy so it looks like he has cut his pubic hair and stuck it on his face. A nice image, no, but powerful, well maybe. Maybe he needs to keep the beard for the long haul, after all he will need something to keep him warm while he's outside being all penguin like and watching over our baby.

That's all really, sorry pretty boring I know, there just isn't anything else to say. I want to know, I want to know now! As this important day gets closer and closer I know I need to start preparing myself for the worst, I need to try and make myself strong as I know I am going to need every ounce of strength to get through another failure, at the moment I really don't feel like I could pick myself up and do another round, I would have to get strong for a frozen transfer if this fails, but at the moment I don't know how to do that.

This will be my 5th result phone call from the clinic, a few people keep asking me if me or gardener guy are going to take the call. I am going to take the call, people also keep saying to me, how can you manage taking another call, it must be so hard hearing those terrible words over and over, why not make it easier for yourself and let your husband take the call for once.My reply to this is I will continue to take the calls till I get a positive call, I will continue to put myself through all the heartache because I keep thinking, I have had 4 negative calls, I have had 4 calls where I have heard the same thing "sorry its not good news", 4 times I have broke down but I want to take the call because I  know one day it will be positive and I want to be the one to hear that first, I deserve to hear those words, I put myself through all those bad calls just to hear one good call, that is all I hang out for,I have taken every result call every step of the way, and to be honest most of them have been bad and really disappointing, although recently they have been good but  if Tuesday brings another hit, then so be it. One day it wont be the bad call I'm so familiar with. 

I always think about what I will do when I get that positive call, will I just break down and cry, I don't really know, I just cant wait to see the look on my husbands face, I cant wait to call some special people in my life and share some good news for a change, I just cant wait to write an amazing happy blog post, most of all I cant wait to get that good feeling inside me, that feeling of delight, that feeling of lightness instead of heaviness, that feeling of absolute bliss, that feeling of feeling completely at peace and ready to open my heart and love someone more than can ever be imagined. 

Monday, June 6, 2011

One little bubba on ice

Yes, we have one little embryo all tucked up in the freezer!! We are beyond delighted. We have never had a frozen embryo, we never even had a blastocyst last cycle so we are just feeling so amazed that we just keep getting good news. 

Just a random thought, as so many of my thoughts are, do you think Vanilla Ice was referring to frozen embryos when he sung that song "Ice Ice Baby"? or am I just reading into things to much? ok so it's probably the latter. Somehow I don't think a white rapper during the 1990's was focused on coming up with a catchy tune about frozen embryos. Not exactly the chick magnet image he was going for. Look, there may be something in this, was Vanilla Ice himself a frozen embryo baby? hence the name Vanilla Ice, he was also in a movie called "cool as ice", are you seeing a theme here? If the world of frozen embryo babies ever needs a spokesperson contact Vanilla Ice. Anyhow.............rambling over back to the more important stuff.

The scientist rang me this morning and straight away she said she had good news for us! We have one embryo that was strong enough to be frozen. Apparently it was so strong that when she checked it yesterday afternoon it was good enough to be frozen then, she didn't even need to wait to see if it got stronger over night. She checked the remaining two embryos this morning and they hadn't developed enough to be strong enough to freeze. Embryos need to be pretty strong to freeze as they also need to survive the thawing out process.

So what does this mean to me and gardener guy? Well everything!! This is such amazing news, even to have one frozen is so so good. If I end up getting a negative result on the 14th June, then we have the option to whip our little frozen one out of the freezer and do a frozen embryo transfer which is so much cheaper and so much less invasive than a fresh cycle. And if our result on the 14th is positive, well then we have an extra embryo on ice to use whenever we feel like having a go at a second baby! This is such amazing news for us, this is the happiest I have felt in a very long time, may the good news keep rolling on in.

So now we can relax somewhat till the 14th, we have no more results coming through till then, it's all about this little one inside me now and looking after that. Today I am just resting again and tomorrow I am back to work, but will be taking it very easy.

I just cant believe that we have two potential babies. One nice and warm and tucked up in my embryo, one freezing cold and tucked up in the chiller, but both equally special and both ours, all ours!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Mini me is in!

Well there you go, mini me/mini gardener guy is safely inside my uterus. So it will either be born holding a set of ghd hair straighteners or a capsicum plant. After all our worry we got a really good, perfect blastocyst transferred into my uterus at 10am this morning. Above is the picture we were given of it. I really believe this little bugger is strong enough to carry on, I have faith.

So Ill give you a run down of how this morning played out. Firstly when I woke this morning I was so nervous, what if there were no blastocysts to transfer? what if this dream was over?. I was instructed to empty my bladder at 8.45am then full it right back up again, so I started on the water. from last cycle I remember this being really awful, with my bladder full the last thing you really want is someone winching open your fanny and sticking a needle in your uterus while someone else pushes down on your stomach with cold goo, this is just a recipe for disaster, but I can tell you now there was no accidental urination. 

So we arrive, bladder full and went down to the treatment waiting room. A few nurses walked while past we were sitting there and they all gave us a smile, now of course my mind was running wild and I was thinking 'why are you smiling at me like that?, it's because you all know our embryo's are all dead and you feel sorry for us', but obviously this was not the case, they always smile, they are nice, my mind was just working overtime. We finally got taken into what is called the "chat room" where we get the verdict on the embryos. In came the embryologist and she said ' we have good news' ahhh.......... I can breathe again! She told us we have 1 really great perfect blastocyst to transfer today and it is actually looking even better than she expected! I could see the look of relief on gardener guys face, then I started thinking ' your not shaving that damn horrific looking beard, I think it has super powers'. We were also told what was happening with the other 4 embryos, 1 has developed into an early stage blastocyst, and the other 2 are morula's, what the hell does that mean right? well the early stage blastocyst is just a little behind/weaker than the one they transferred today and the 2 morula's are a stage behind that, they need to go from being a morula to a blastocyst, she told us all of these have got the potential to be nice strong blastocysts that are capable of being frozen for later use. She will ring us tomorrow morning with the verdict for those. If they cannot be frozen they will be destroyed. As for the 5th embryo, well this was the lazy boy I told you about, now he still isn't doing much so he is a write off, oh well, guess he tried his best. So we are feeling very pleased, when we get the call tomorrow and if none are able to be frozen then that's ok, ill try my hardest to just let it go and move on but if they can be frozen I can tell you now we will pretty much be the happiest we have been in the last 2yrs.

After the news on the embryos I got changed into my gown and got taken through to surgery, the nurse was doing a scan on my stomach so the doctor could see where to guide to catheter. The doctor opened my fanny up with a speculum, the best way of describing this is basically he puts it in and cranks it open till my vagina is basically big enough for the doctor to jump inside and he then guides the speculum that has our embryo inside it through into my uterus. On the monitor we can see it go in, it looks like a little white flicker, and just like that it is safely in!

We left the clinic - the 3 of us......well 2 and a half of us and headed off to acupuncture. Having acupuncture straight after transfer is meant to be a really good time to strengthen everything and get sorted for implantation. I had a really relaxing session at my acupuncturist home clinic which is on the waterfront and even though it was pouring with rain it was nice and serene. God I sound like a weird hippy, look what all this treatment has turned me into, I may as well be signed up for a 6month retreat in a Buddhist monastery. I had a few new points done today to help with the embryo settling in, the weirdest being a needle in the top of my head, it didn't even hurt but I'm sure it looked really strange. I am continuing acupuncture till we get our results which by the way is June 14th! I am taking that day off work as from previous experience its far to hard to concentrate on anything expect getting the phone call and dear I say it, but if its negative there is no way in hell I can cope to work.

So what will the little embryo have planned to do for the next few days you may ask? well let me tell you its no holiday for it, tomorrow it should start hatching and then on Tuesday it will start attaching to my uterine wall and implantation begins as it starts to basically bury itself deeper in the lining, by Friday it would have completely implanted and will have placenta and fetal cells, by Saturday the placenta cells begin to secrete HCG, more HCG is produced as the fetus develops and then by Tuesday the 14th June there is enough HCG to be detected in the blood to give us our result! pretty amazing isn't it? Obviously this all might not happen, our embryo could just decide to shut up shop at any stage and then we lose it. But we are not thinking like that.

Before I forget, some other news that you really really don't need to know, but that's why I'm going to say it, just to creep you out. I'm on the vaginal pessaries again, for anyone unaware, these are little white tablets filled with progesterone oil that I shove up my fanny 3 times a day, a total of 6 a day, from last cycle these gave me a terribly stinging flaming fanny, but so far I'm ok, they also bring on terrible constipation, oh how glamorous all this IVF carry on is!! This blog certainly isn't going to make me a guy magnet is it? not that I'm after that, I already have one hairy faced man pinned down, that's enough thanks. Sorry gardener guy, your not escaping, your stuck with me, constipation and all.

Thanks for reading today's entry, I know it is a long one so I hope you all got through it without being too bored. For now I'm off to rest, get gardener guy to run around after me and let our little treasure find its bearings and  hopefully settle in for the long haul. Well must dash, gardener guy is walking past the lounge, must get him to make me a milo, grab my book, rub my feet perhaps? I think he needs a sexy butler outfit and he needs to carry a silver platter with lots of goodies on it to offer me, I need a little bell to ring so I don't strain myself by yelling, hmmm  somehow I don't think that's going to happen, oh well ill just settle for a hot roast dinner and a nice smile from him, that will do me just fine thanks.

Friday, June 3, 2011

We are smiling

We are smiling today, and not just because we feel expected to, because we actually have something going in our favor for once. The thought of a positive pregnancy test is feeling that one step closer for me.

So I was waiting for the 8am call this morning and I was so nervous, The verdict is that we have two 8cell embryos and two 7cell embryos. So we have enough to carry on till blastocyst stage and do the transfer on Sunday. The scientist said there is a good chance the two 8cell embryos will progress to be blastocysts and he also said there is every chance the two 7cell embryo's will go to blastocysts too. They are only one cell behind so they are a wee bit slower but there is still alot of hope for them too. As for the 5th embryo, well that one really slowed down last night and only split by one cell, so it's pretty much out of the game (loser! didn't want him anyhow, yes he probably was a boy that just got lazy), anyhow the 5th embryo is still being kept an eye on to see what it decides to do. He is still alive but just being hopeless so to speak.

So now we just need to get those four through till Sunday! unfortunately there is always the chance that none of them will make it to the blastocyst stage, meaning we end up with nothing! but this is a risk that has been calculated and from what we have so far the scientist believes we will be ok. Once we get to Sunday transfer day we need to still hope I don't have OHSS and can have the transfer, but as every day goes by I am starting to think its less and less likely I have it. I feel a wee bit less sore today, so I think by Sunday I might even be feeling back to normal.

Tomorrow the scientist will ring me with my transfer time for Sunday. He will not look at the embryos tomorrow and will just let them be. That will be nice for them, they get a whole day without an audience. And come Sunday the strongest looking one will be implanted into my uterus. For new readers and new IVF patients, this is a fairly straight forward procedure where a catheter with the embryo inside it is inserted into my uterus, an abdominal ultrasound is used to ensure correct placement and just like that our baby is in. From there it needs to implant into my uterine wall. The pain for all this is very minimal, more uncomfortable. I will let you know in more detail on Sunday how it all goes.

On Monday I will get another call from the lab to tell me weather the remaining embryos are strong enough to be frozen. With our last cycle we did not have any frozen and I was really really upset about this, It made me really stressed out that our only hope was the embryo inside me. I will not get as upset this time if there are none to freeze as I will just be so grateful to have one inside me at the blastocyst stage, and having frozens is a bit of a luxury really not a given, and the sooner I realize that the better. If the remaining embryos can be frozen, me and gardener guy will be absolutely ecstatic, this will mean we have more chances, and a frozen embryo transfer is so much easier and cheaper than another whole fresh cycle, frozen transfer here in New Zealand is a bargain at $1500, as opposed to $10,000 for a fresh cycle, not to mention that I cant even imagine going through all those drugs and emotional ups and downs all over again. So lets not even go there yet.

I also have sorted to have an acupuncture appointment straight after transfer, to help with implantation. So that will be good, and then that will be the end of needles for me! yah, no more poking and prodding! 

My husband has been letting his beard grow, which I must say I hate! it is all prickly and looks like a hedgehog has decided to take up residency on his face, anyhow my husband now believes if he shaves his beard our luck will end, he told me he will not shave it now till we get our results, oh great!! Why did his good luck charm have to be a prickly beard, oh well better than a dirty old pair of undies or something like that.

This afternoon I was very treated, my cousin brought round some savouries and cake and one of my lovely friends brought me some homemade soup, some bread rolls and some biscuits. Isn't that just lovely. I feel so full of happiness today, I know this was only a small step having the embryos carry on till Sunday but for those of you that know what this IVF journey is like, this is really huge for us. I know what was given to me is only food, but it means far more than that to me, having someone care enough to take time to make soup and think of me and my husband when we are going through something tough and when I am not 100%, well that just makes me feel really good.

Till Sunday we will just have to stay positive and have faith that our embryos will stay strong. Having a reason to smile is the best feeling ever, having people to share that smile with is even better and as far as blessings go, me and gardener guy came out on top when we were blessed with so many caring people in our lives.

For anyone out there who is finding it hard to smile today, try to remember:

Smile though your heart is aching;
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Our 5 babies are still alive

Our babies our all still alive in the lab, well almost babies, they have a way to go yet. So the report is as follows, and I will try to explain it as clear as I can for those of you who are reading and aren't going through IVF, it gets quite confusing.

So the scientist rang again this morning and I was so nervous waiting, I tell you what its terrible, I am just glad they ring early in the morning. So all 5 embryos are fine. We have three 4cell embryos, one 2cell embryo and one 6cell embryo.The 4cell embryo's are the best. The scientist wants to try to leave the embryos in the lab to grow to the blastocyst stage as this gives us a much better chance at pregnancy. By tomorrow he wants to see at least two 8cell embryos to be able to go ahead and leave them to blastocyst stage. He thinks the three 4cell embryo's should split and be 8cell embryo's tomorrow, and there is also a 50-60% chance the 2cell embryo will split into an 8cell. You still with me? As for the one 6cell embryo, he didn't really say what might happen to that overnight. So basically we need two or more 8cell embryos tomorrow morning to progress to Sunday for transfer, and we so so so want that!!! If we have less than two 8cell embryo's we will do a transfer tomorrow, which is ok, plenty of babies have come from a 3day transfer, its just that we want a 5day transfer for a better success rate. We only had a 3day transfer with our last cycle. The scientist will ring me at 8am tomorrow and tell me the verdict, if I do have to do a transfer tomorrow it will be at 10am.

There are still so many steps to get through! If we do get two or more 8cells tomorrow, they then still have to survive and split correctly and turn into a blastocyst for transfer Sunday. We then have the extra stress of the possible OHSS. When we go in for transfer we need to pray that I don't have it, otherwise transfer will be cancelled and all embryos will be frozen for later use. So as you can tell, me and gardener guy still have alot on our mind. This is a damn struggle for this baby, every single day, every single step. I hope this gives people a better understanding as to what really is involved, IVF is not a miracle cure, it's not just "oh yah, we are having IVF, we will get a baby", there are so many steps involved in even getting to the point of putting the embryo inside the uterus, every day is like walking on a tightrope, you could fall off at any second and the show could all be all over.

As for the OHSS, I still am no clearer as to weather I have it. I feel quite bloated and when I push on my stomach its tender and sore, but I can walk, I'm not in loads of pain, I just really don't know. Is this normal to still be sore after retrieval? I hope it is just because they drained so many more follicles than last time, I don't know. And ideas ladies? do you think what I am feeling is normal and ok? I had retrieval on Tuesday, its now Thursday. Am I just being to hard on myself and should I realize I only just had surgery and my body is just recovering? I'm impatient, I want to feel 100% 5minutes after surgery!

After this news today I am really starting to believe this might just actually happen!! we are getting closer, we might just get our baby!! It's hard not to get carried away, but I do need to pull myself back as those embryos are literally hanging on by a thread, anything could happen overnight, I don't want to get to excited. But at this stage we are feeling quite good.

So till tomorrow we hold our breath and pray they keep doing the right thing in the lab. Only 20 hours till we find out how our little embryos are doing. Now embryos, if you get a chance to pop out of your petri dish today and read my blog, please please do all you can to hang on in there, don't give up, don't be lazy and just float around in all that goo, work hard at growing, and in the end I will provide you with a cozy home for 9 months with all the facilities you would expect, and after your 9 month there you will come out and live in an even better home and meet a really funny, cute, wonderful caring man and a very overly excited woman who wont stop hugging you, don't be afraid of her, that will be me. Sound's like a pretty sweet deal right?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Fertilization report.

The scientist rang us this morning. I'm not going to dick around here, Ill tell you like it is. Out of the 9 eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized with gardener guys sperm. Out of the 9 eggs, 1 was abnormal. So out hit rate was basically 5 out of 8. Not to bad I suppose, we have 5 to work with, so it's 2 more than last round. I guess I should be pleased, and in a way I am ok with that number but I'm also pissed off, why couldn't something brilliant happen and 8 or the whole 9 fertilize, why is it that for the past 2 years we have nothing but bad news or ok news, where the hell is our amazing news.

Tomorrow the scientist will ring and tell us how many have split into nice 4 cell embryos, and we may get a better idea as to weather we will have a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

I just feel a bit shit today, I'm just so worried again that our numbers are going to drop even more, its so damn hard to stay optimistic. I'm grumpy and fed up and don't want to work, but I am, I just want to crawl back into bed and stay there till my transfer, and knowing my luck something terrible will happen and I will get OHSS and there will be no damn transfer. 

I know this is a really bad way to be thinking and I hate myself for it, I don't want to think like this, I need to keep positive. Gardener guy just rang me from work and made me feel a little better, saying its still ok, we just need to hope we don't lose anymore of those 5, things may turn around and we may be left with 5 amazing strong embryos.

It's funny how as soon as a part of you is in someone else's hands you become very protective, last night when we are lying in bed my husband said to me " i want to go into the lab and see what is going on" he jokingly said " Ill ring the doctor on call and ask him to open up the lab for me", I said "oh yes, take a mattress with you and you can sleep in there overnight to keep an eye on our babies, we don't want them getting confused and thinking the lab guy is their father", this ridiculous conversation carried on to gardener guy saying that he wants to talk to them so they will grow better. Oh, how we come up with the best ideas when lying in bed. 

On the OHSS subject, I have no idea at this point if I have it. All I am feeling is a bit achy, this is probably from the egg retrieval, I don't have any cramps, its more like I have done too many sit ups and feel a bit stiff and aching. I have stopped bleeding, which is alot quicker than last cycle. I will let you know if I start to show signs of OHSS. Did anyone else feel a bit stiff and sore on the day after retrieval?

For now I need to put on my happy face (if I can find it buried under all the sad and anxious faces) and realize we are still very much in the game, it gets hard but I want to still have all that hope alive. Any words of encouragement would really be appreciated now, also if you could let me know how many eggs you had and then how many fertilized that would be great too. Thanks to all.