The clinic just rang and unfortunately it was negative. The nurse told me that she was really sorry to say this to me again and her words were "We are really going to need to crank things up, and do IVF". Since these 3 IUI's havent worked it's unlikely that it will work naturally, so IVF it will be. We have an appointment on Jan 17th with our doctor and we are hoping that we can qualify for funding, otherwise paying it will be! either way IVF will be happening early new year.I never would have imagined I would ever get to this point, IVF has always been seen as something people with huge problems do, is that really me? Obviously it is.
At the moment I'm feeling very upset. Towards the end of my phone conversation with the nurse I started to lose it, shed a few tears, poor nurse, didn't want to make her feel bad, so managed to only just hold it together. I Text a few people that were waiting to hear, and rang my husband. I hate telling people, its very unpleasant. My husband was pissed off, concerned I was ok, what more can I say, the poor man will now have to endure IVF with me. I'm also so mad at myself for letting myself think otherwise, letting myself get stupid hope in my head, thinking I might be pregnant, what a joke, pregnancy is never going to happen for me, I'm just going to have to watch from the sidelines at other people's happiness.That's how I feel at the moment.
I'm sorry there wasn't happier news to report, All i ever do these days is tell people sad news, cry and have this constant cloud over my head, when will this end? when will this bad feeling leave me? I do know ill be more upbeat and full of hope when the IVF starts, after all the success rates are so much higher. I hope during the IVF I can continue to chat with some of you ladies that are also going to start IVF. We need to beat it, One of us at a time, till we are all fat and pregnant!
Till then all I can do is look after my husband and let him look after me.One day we will hold our baby, We just have to, till that day ill never give up, no matter how many of these low days like today I have. Ill never give up.
ps: this will be my last post till 1st Jan,as we are going away this afternoon.
Today I am not working. It all started last night. I started to get a really bad headache that got worse and worse. Then i started to feel sick. Anyhow ended up going to bed and couldn't even watch tv in bed as felt too sick (this is so unlike me). Had a really bad sleep, got up about 6 times, had weird dreams, was roasting hot, then I woke at 5am and decided I wasn't going to work today.I feel a little better now though.
So I have a list of reason's as to why I feel this way......
1. I ate a chicken subway yesterday, could have been dodgy (top culprit)
2. I have a stomach bug
3. I have nothing wrong with me and my mental state has become worse than I though
4. I am pregnant.
So as you can see there are 3 rubbish options and one amazing one. Which one is it, we will know tomorrow, well we may never know if the chicken subway was dodgy, but we will know if im pregnant.
I have been so nervous today, I dont really know if im leaning towards one way, as I have no clue. I am working tomorrow so ill try keep busy till I get the result's phone call in the afternoon, then ill put a new post up. i apologize in advance if tomorrow's post is glum. I do not apologize if tomorrow's post is over the top! fingers crossed.
A touch of colour is normally good. A touch of colour on your outfit = good. A touch of colour when you are decorating your house = good, A touch of colour on your eyes and lips = good, A touch of colour on my knickers = Bad.
Being only 2 days away from my results mean's im constantly checking down there. Any sign of colour for me means it's all over. As many of you will know this is just so horrible, and I almost become frightened to go to the toilet. If I dont see it, it hasn't really happened.
I don't really expect it to come early, my period is very polite like that and come's exactly when expected. But till the result I will continue checking down there, hoping for nothing. Sometime's I close my eyes then take a deep breath, give myself a pep talk and look! Is this just me? or do you do weird thing's too?
If I do happen to see a touch of colour, perhaps I should go out and buy a red dress, paint the house red and buy some fancy red lip stick. Just to colour co ordinate of course. Just as well my period doesn't arrive in an off green colour.!
Rain, Screaming children and frizzy hair are not a good combo. Lets be honest, frizzy hair is never cool, now add the rain and the unhappy Children, well that's just a disaster!
It is so hot today and pouring with rain and the children I look after and my hair are not liking it! It is so humid. This week is horrible, Im ready for a break and my results and everything else just seems a pain.
I look outside, the rain stops, then oh no it comes back worse than before. I look at the kids, they are grumpy and quite frankly probably had a guts full of me, Goodness I must be like the most tedious person to spend a whole week with. poor buggers. I look at my hair and oh shit! the humidity is making it a frizzy mess. I put it up, I look worse, I put it down, it's dry..... We are having no luck today with anything. Yoghurt has been spilt on the floor, Poo's have been on the floor, tantrums have been had on the floor.
I think perhaps let's just go and stand out in the rain, ease the kids frustration's and my Frizz!
The clock is going slow, im now desperate to know my result. Today is Monday morning, and the Clinic will ring my Friday afternoon. I had a phone call from them this morning, just to check in. They are all very sweet and there is one nurse in particular that looks after me and I really like her and feel comfortable chatting to her so I am pleased for that.
Im so scared, I need this to be a positive, It will be Christmas Eve, how am I meant to put on a happy face and get into Christmas. It cant be negative. Although it probably will be, that's all Im used to, so that's all I know. The thought of having to go pay for IVF with the chance that may also not work is awful. Of course we will do that, and its not the toll it will take on my body im worried about, it's the end result.I can cope with feeling horrible physically, it's the mental aspect of this all that I really struggle with.
So there is no other option, Positive it has to be.I cant be upset again. I cant upset my Gardener Guy again. This week is going to possibly be the worse week so far of this whole IUI journey. Iv'e got everything riding on this. Why cant I just be lucky for once!
Till friday I will just have to keep watching that clock as it turns slowly slowly slowly........
To have good friends through this Infertility journey makes all the difference. Friend's who don't tire of hearing you constantly talk about your periods, your drugs, your moods, your doctor's appts, creepy things like sperm samples, vaginal examinations and all that grose stuff!. Friend's who want to hear about everything and follow your every step of the way, friends who really are genuinely interested. These are the type of friend's we should all have. Even if you just have one friend like this you are lucky, for me iv'e been fortunate enough to have 3 friends in particular who have really stood up to the plate for me and made me feel like whatever the next day brings they will still be around and will never stop supporting and fighting this fight with me. Although they don't fully understand what it's like (& I would never wish something like this upon them) that doesn't stop them from throwing themselves in with me and saying "up your's infertility, we are going to win"!
On more than one occasion we have likened ourselves to the "sex and the city" girls. We have never quite worked out which one of us is which one of them, but the concept is still the same, 4 woman who are different in many ways but at the end of the day all sit down together and have a cocktail and a damn good laugh. And constantly remain good friends. And that friendship is what get's me through hard time's. So if you read this and you know who you are, I can never thank you enough for the love and support you girls give me. I only hope one day my children find 3 such precious friends.x
Today me and my Gardener Guy did our Xmas shopping and went round to my cousin's house who lives just 5 minutes away. She has 2 children who I love to death, A 3yr old boy and 17mth old girl. I see the children alot and really love seeing them, although sometimes when im feeling fragile I find this hard, as they are just so damn cute and sweet and say cute thing's to their mum, that it pinch's a nerve. Not often, just sometimes.My husband is so cute and sweet with them and for the first time, the 3yr old called Gardener Guy "Uncle"..... which is so cute as it had just been me referred to as Aunty.
So to sum it up, to anyone who know's me and has children and reads this, know that I love seeing your children and am likely to be happy to see them, but also know it can be hard and sad that you have what I want. Just so you know.
