So this morning I woke up pretty much still in disbelief, but not only did I wake in disbelief but for some reason very early. And do you think I could get back to sleep, oh no, I was awake and eyes open as wide as an owl on speed at 5am. That was it, so I have been up and pumping since then. Funny enough this has happened for the last 3 nights, I'm not sure if this is anything or just that I can turn my mind off.
So the above picture is actually mine, not just some image I have stolen off google and pretended it was me, this is a real life picture, the first time I have ever seen 2 lines instead of 1! The second line is lighter than the first (picture not the best, doesn't show it too well) but I know that's fine and as my HCG levels rise that would get darker, but there it is, a positive test, I may very well frame it and put it on the wall!
Today I am feeling high as a kite, I still am in utter shock and trying to get my head round all the amazing things that will be coming up during pregnancy, and also the less amazing, lets be honest no one finds hanging their head in the toilet spewing every five minutes amazing. But hey I wont complain, ok well maybe a little, ok well maybe a lot, only to gardener guy though. Speaking of the man himself, he left for work this morning with a right hop, skip and a jump, he was so happy and even left the house early. He told me he has had so many congratulations from work colleagues and lots of hugs and kisses, he said he just feels so damn good. As you may be aware by now we haven't ever been the type of couple to keep this a secret, right from the start everyone knew we were doing fertility treatments, I just didn't see the point in hiding it, if we were miserable and off sorts I didn't want people to think we were some kind of horrible mental couple for no reason. I know you always run the risk of telling people then having a miscarriage then having to explain to hundreds of people and I completely understand why people keep it to themselves for awhile, but I figure if the worst happens we are going to need support and we will get it because everyone knows. But of course each to their own.
Last night as me and Gardener guy lay in bed we started discussing a few things and imagining having our little bundle in bed in between us (hell no, our baby wont be sleeping in our bed, I'm talking about it coming in for a wee cuddle), I don't want to fall asleep and accidentally crush the poor soul. We talked about how now there are 3 people in bed, was all very cute and enough to make us infertile people want to gag, hell I'm almost gagging now, but you know what, after so much heartache and tears and screaming and needles and tests and feeling like life isn't worth living for, last night just couldn't have been any better, I feel so damn thankful I can even explain it.
A while ago I thought that when I get pregnant I will stop blogging, I thought I wouldn't need to anymore, the purpose would have been served right? well the more I have blogged and the more people I have come into contact with through blogging, well it just seems almost impossible to close the book, I love writing and I love that I seem to help a few ladies and even make some laugh, I love that friends and family have got a really good way to follow our journey so why would I give all that up? I am going to keep blogging, and I hope that makes people smile and not say "oh fuck, haven't we had enough already", I think I would have been truly lost without this, that may seem a bit weird but before I started blogging I was in a pretty bad place, I felt alone, I didn't know how to deal with the emotions I was having and I didn't like who I was becoming. I can now say whole heartily I am in a much better place, I know how to deal with all the emotional ups and downs and I am sure as hell damn proud of who I have become.
I continue to wish and hope for everyone to get a positive and when things seem like they cant get any worse and you cant go on (just like how we were starting to get), just hang in there for a bit longer, don't ever give up, And on days when it's all too much I hope you can flick over to my blog and I can provide some kind of helping hand just as so many of you have done for me.