Can I order eggs please, with sperm thanks.I fear one day when I order bacon and eggs that eggs and sperm will actually come out of my mouth. These days when I am referring to eggs, bacon is not what I am pairing it up with. Whenever I hear someone in a cafe order eggs, my little ears will prick up and scan the room for an infertile woman, only to be brought back to reality when in fact it is just an overweight truck driver ordering 10 fried eggs and a plate of bacon, no womanly eggs or sperm insight.
Since the doctors appointment I think we hit a bit of a bump, but we got over it. We are now back on track. I think it is very normal to be rolling along ok one minute then next thing you know you are crying over a plate of bacon and eggs. (see story below).
This morning gardener guy suggested we go out for breakfast, which was nice as we needed to sort a few things and get both of us feeling a bit better in the head basically. So off we went. I knew gardener guy wasn't himself and was still full of anger and bitterness and just not feeling good, and i do get that he is allowed to feel these things and I cant expect too much from him all the time, but I didn't want him to be feeling like this, for himself and me. He discussed with me that he is finding it so hard that I'm unhappy and he cant do anything about it, he doesn't know how he can deal with this if this IVF fails, and how to help me. This is when the crying over the bacon and eggs started, the tears started in the cafe in front of everyone, but who cares, this just happened to be where we were discussing it and trying to work out all this shit. My gardener guy took my hand and told me he is sorry about all this negativity and anger and he isn't mad at me just mad in general, and that he finds it hard being helpless for me. I told him he is in no way helpless and being who he is, is what gets me through, if he was to continue this mad, angry, negative, I hate the world behaviour, that is what will tip me over the edge. That is not who he is. Anyhow we managed to come out of there feeling better and back to normal. God I tell you the nurse wasn't wrong when she said how much of a strain it can be on your relationship, can it what. Looking back now I think when I started the IVF, I remember the nurse saying to me " you do realise this is all alot tougher that the IUI's you have done" and I can now see exactly what she means. I think people tend to think that oh yes it must be hard being on all those drugs and doing all those injections and having those surgical procedures but really all that isn't even scratching the surface of how tough it is, if only it was just that and the emotional stress wasn't there. I'm not looking for sympathy here (although a little bit is always nice isn't it) and I know people are probably thinking "oh here she goes again, yes we hear how hard it is for you and you do like to go on about it", and I hate that people are probably thinking that but if I don't air it on here and don't get it out of my system I might explode. Not literally of course (well you just don't know do you, I may just burst from stress), as I have said this blog helps me and that is that. For anyone out there who is on the brink of explosion just remember 'when you feel a little depressed and useless, just remember that you were once the fastest, strongest and best little sperm out of millions' you must have been strong as an ox then and you probably still are now.
So where too from here, nowhere to put it bluntly. if this fails that's it, If there are frozen embryos, then great we go ahead and use those but if not this is it. We still don't qualify for funding till Aug 2012, then the wait list is approximately a year. So I am now going to try to accept that if this fails we are stopping. There will be no more. I wont be trying anymore hair brain crazy alternatives, it will just stop, I will stop treatments, stop the baby obsession, stop looking for ways to fix it and just start life again. Trying naturally will then be our only alternative till the funded cycles which seem like a million years away, I wont count down the months/years till the funded cycles, I wont count down the days to my next period. I will just stop. I will just stop it all. I am no where near at that point yet, as we have this IVF to do and that's my focus. I will need to accept that there is no more help for a very long time. But......... I am putting that out of my mind at the moment somewhat as I believe this will work, and I know I say this quite a bit, but this is it.
Sometimes when you order bacon and eggs, Its just that, bacon and eggs. Sometimes you just need to let go, give each other a smile and breath and settle the fuck down. I'm not quite there yet, for me eggs still match sperm, not bacon, I am still frowning, holding my breath and unsettled. As the saying goes, Its not over till the fat lady sings, well I'm not ready to be the fat lady singing quite yet, and really you should be thankful for that considering the voice I have!