Away we go, again...... Today is cycle day one, my period came bang on time, guess I cant complain at least this time it wasn't late and didn't leave me wondering. How am i feeling, well does shit scared cover it. Shit scared doesn't even begin to cover how scared I am. What am I scared of, well the injections, the bad side effects, the egg retrieval, the recovery pain, the bleeding, the scary low blood pressure......All of these things actually don't really scare me, they aren't nice but they don't scare me, I can deal with it all, I can manage, what I am shit scared, over the top petrified of is the failure, the last few days before the result's, the way my mind doesn't stop, the way my stomach is in knots and makes me feel sick with terror, the waiting, the guessing, the dreaming, trying to keep sane, this is the worse feeling ever, I don't think it can ever be explained until you have been there. The actual phone call with the results, well I would rather be chased by a grizzly bear and a pack of lions and any other fast scary animal that wanted to join in, because quite frankly that would be far less scary than the IVF results phone call.
I rang through to the clinic this morning and got my instructions, I have started the pill and am to take that till instructed otherwise, I will be getting a call in the next few days as to when to start the Bruseline morning injections, which are likely to start in a couple of weeks then followed by the night Puregon injections. We have been given a lesson using the new Bruseline injections so we are all set, I take the pill every day and wait for further instructions. So here we are, IVF 2 has started! eak!
Last night I toyed with the idea of getting a fringe, then perhaps a bob haircut, (mid life crisis come IVF crisis) but really do I need the extra stress of a haircut gone wrong. I don't want to be a fat IVF woman with a frizzy fringe and a bad bob. The IVF weight is bad enough for the self esteem so probably best not to throw hair issues into the mix. Speaking of the extra weight round the belly area, well I had only just lost it, now it will start again, the bloated swollen feeling is just terrible, imagine the horror if someone actually asked me when I was due, I would have to punch them in the face, there would just be no choice.
What else has happened over the last few days, well the usual annoying shit. You know, running over pregnant woman at the supermarket with my trolley, or wanting to anyhow. I go to the supermarket to get food because If I don't eat I will die, that is the sole purpose of a supermarket, shop, eat, live. Nothing more. But if you are a fat pregnant woman, you are apparently going to the supermarket for a good old catch up with friends, "ill meet you down aisle 4 for an in depth chat". Idiots. A stupid pregnant woman parked her trolley right in the middle of the aisle and had a good old chat to her friends, and even proceeded to open up her coat to show off her belly and give it a good old rub. Well I couldn't deal with this, I said quite aggressively "sort it out!" and pushed her trolley to the side, I was damn mad, I mean just because your pregnant doesn't mean you have the right to block the whole aisle. What a whale.
Yeah yeah, I know I get a bit nasty about pregnant woman, I have no idea how long or what she may have been through to get pregnant, so I shouldn't behave so mean. But whatever aye.
Bugger the pregnant woman, I'm going to be one of them soon, and if I see a sad woman with hurt in her eyes looking at my pregnant belly, I will do my best to get out of her way and hope that I didn't cause her too much pain. I am going to feel the fear and do it anyway, IVF number two will not beat me, I will beat it. I will not be the sad woman with the hurt eyes in the supermarket anymore, but I will also not forget that I once was and I promise to never never never park my trolley in the middle of the aisle!