Today was our doctors appointment, and I tell you this was a roller coaster in itself.
So it played out like this, there was no real reason as to why the last one failed, I responded fine to the drugs etc, but the doc wasn't so impressed with the number of eggs that were mature, so this brought him to the conclusion that things will be done a wee bit differently this cycle. Basically If I though I had everything thrown at me before, well I was wrong, this time he will throw everything he possibly can at me and more to get this to work.
We are going for a much longer cycle this time, when my period arrives (appx 17th April) I am to ring the clinic as normal and that is my day 1, I am then to start birth control pills, you may be thinking "huh" aren't you trying to get pregnant, not make it harder, but in fact being on the pill for about 2-3 weeks will basically put my ovaries to sleep and then when I start the first drug it wakes them up with a hard jolt, in a nutshell that's why. Jesus, I haven't been on the pill for like a million years, I'll feel like a born again teenager. So I stay on the pill till I'm told otherwise then I start a new drug, one I didn't have with my previous IVF, its called Bruseline. I will be on this for a few weeks every morning, then I introduce Puregon at night, which I did have last cycle. I continue to take both drugs every day till the trigger injection to release my eggs, now this time i am getting a double dose of the Ovidrel trigger injection, so that's quite full on! apparently giving me a double dose will mature the eggs even more, which is what I seem to need.Then away we go with egg collection, then Embryo transfer as per last cycle.
It all sounds quite a bit more complicated and full on than last cycle (if that's humanly possible), but I am pleased that the doc is recognising that it failed and something new needs to be done. So that's the physical side of it, now the emotional, well oh dear!
My gardener guy has unfortunately lost all hope in the whole procedure, in anything really. He is quite negative at the moment, and I know he wont be like this when we start, but that's where he is at the moment. He aired this to the doctor, saying he has no faith in this working and that he was struggling to feel like any of it is even going to ever work. All these emotions and feeling's are very normal and the doctor tried to explain to us that men and woman are wired very differently and when it comes to something so hard, it does become hard to understand how each other is feeling. I think the doctor does all he can to help and he is very good and makes me feel better. There was even a wee pat on the back from the doctor to my husband and a 'hang in there', I think he appreciates how much of a struggle this is becoming, It's harder for us than alot of couples that go straight to IVF and have a success after maybe 2 or 3 goes, and as the doctor said, we have already had 3 IUI fails and 1 IVF fail, so it's bound to take it's toll on us, this is why he strongly recommended some counselling for us, as a way to understand each other and get through this in one piece. We also discussed the acupuncture and that's good to carry on with, he advised me to quit the Chinese herbs, he wasn't really a fan and I cant continue these during IVF anyhow so ill stop those. He also told us not to worry about eating organic chicken and that mostly it probably didn't matter, this left me feeling, "well now what am I too believe, we keep getting told different things", but the doctor brought up a very good point, ' you will get told and given advice from lots of different sources, and I understand you are trying anything, as you will give anything a go, If I told you to stand on your head every day for 10minutes you would if it helped' which is so true, we just keep doing whatever anyone tells us, and we need to just stop torturing ourselves and just do what feels right for us and makes us feel better.
We then went to see our nurse and signed our consent forms again (once again I do not consent to gardener guy using our embryo's if I die and he meets gardener lady, no thanks!), again we had another chat to her about how we are feeling and all the emotional stress, and she is just great, we both really like her alot, she understands where we are both coming from, she also made a very valid point that we were to try hard not to forget about each other and the relationship we have, as she has seen many couples come through the clinic and not end up coming out together, it takes its toll on even the strongest relationships and we don't want to lose sight of each other.
I know I can be a pain to him and to my friends who try so hard to help me and cheer me up, and I apologise for behaving mad, mean, aggressive, down and just shit. But for anyone out there, don't turn your back on me. I need you for this next round. And most of all, out of everyone, I need my husband, so to him, chin up we can get there, when you are feeling weak I will make you strong, when I am feeling weak you can make me strong, when we are both feeling weak we can lean on one another, don't give up, I think this one is it for us, this will work, be positive, be strong and know I love you.