I sit here thinking about what to write for a post, or even if I should write as I cant really be bothered, I cant really be bothered with anything. Im pretty much just thinking out loud here, I need to book our counselling session, I just feel mad, too mad, a type of mad that isn't healthy. I need help, I have no problem admitting that I don't find this easy, It has become far more hard than I could have ever imagined, It has changed my whole day to day life, God its hard, I am still positive about this cycle working, that hasn't changed but god those drugs wreak havoc with your mind and body. They send you to hell and back, and I know that is all coming up very soon, and alot worse and for alot longer than last time. Jesus fucking Christ help me!!!
I often wonder where the hell good old Christ has been through all this, has he somehow lost my file? has he got me mixed up with someone else who didn't want children? or is he just being plain lazy and has taken a couple of years off his duty's? I am not religious by any means, but I start to wonder do I need to start becoming more active in the religious department? Who the fuck knows! oops excuse me, that's not something a faith driven girl would say. sorry god. Does he have some kind of plan going on for me? Is he doing this to me for a reason? Is he doing this so I will become a better person, a stronger person? I don't know. I do actually have a bit of religion going on, well kind of, on my behalf anyhow. My nan goes to church and has had her priest do a service dedicated to us a couple of times, he has asked his congregation to pray for me and my husband, so is that not enough? Is god mad at me because I am getting nan to do the work for me?. I think I'm just not cut out for religion and I'm damn well sure gardener guy isn't. We got married in a catholic church, (as I'm catholic), but obviously not practising, anyhow when we decided to get married in our beautiful church and went through all the formalities with our priest, we felt like a couple of fakes. Making sure I went in to our meetings with a skirt below the knee and gardener guy didn't have a fag hanging out of his mouth, well as it turned out we both felt pretty heavenly on the day so does god remember this? we had a religious wedding, even if it was fake. shhhhhh....... does god read blogs?
So tomorrow Gardener guy will go to the clinic and come home with a whole bag of needles, swabs, all my drugs for a month, surely god doesn't approve of this? Would It help if we got the bible out and placed it next to all the drugs, does that cancel out any disapproval? does he even disapprove of medical intervention? I don't know? I am surely less than clued up on his feelings about my life choices.
I still have plenty of faith and hope in me yet, I'm not sure where it comes from and I do know my prayers will be answered soon, why they haven't been answered yet I'm not sure, why I have had to endure so much I don't know but perhaps it will all become clear to me soon and as they say 'god works in mysterious ways'.
PS: By no means do I mean to offend anyone who reads this that is religious. I admire people that have strong faith. But for me it's not something that I have fully embraced yet. please read this as a light hearted post as that is what is intended.