On days like today I wish I was like Sleeping Beauty and could just curl up in a nice comfy bed in a castle for a hundred years and awake to have everything put right.Of course when I awake, just like sleeping beauty I wont have aged a second, and my hair will be as neat as ever, lets be realistic, no one wants to be a 130yr old shabby mother with bed hair.
Why do I want to sleep, well why not? I'm so damn tired. This weekend I got caught up in all the royal wedding hoopla and it was actually really nice, it was something really happy and sweet and romantic to get caught up in, when there seems to be so much dismay and sorrow in the world at the moment, what with the earthquake here in New Zealand and then the horrific earthquake in Japan and the Tsunami, and every other news story of someone killing someone and of course my own tragedy in my own little corner of the world, well it was just nice to see a big special event, it really was, it made me smile, a real smile, a real non forced smile, and that is hard to come by these days. So back to being tired, well over here in NZ, the couple got married at 10pm our time and the coverage didn't end till 12.40am, so that was a late night for me, and I just don't do late nights anymore, so perhaps it is that, that has thrown me off, that combined with the fact that I just don't sleep well.
The lack of good settled sleep is not something I have discussed really with anyone (I mentioned it in passing to one friend), but It's not really something I see as a problem, or maybe it is. I don't want anyone to think I'm not up to doing this IVF, as the drugs do make me extra tired, I can cope, I know I can, but I just wish I slept like my husband. When he puts his head down on the pillow, he is literally asleep in seconds, strange but true. He doesn't get up at all during the night and that is that. Me, well that's another story, I need the tv on for awhile to fall asleep, I am up 3 to 4 times a night on average. I wake and always think well I may as well go the the toilet, when I get back into bed I worry. I worry alot, I think this I why I am so restless, I worry about money, I know at the end of the day, who cares it's only money, and we would do anything to get this baby, but it worries me, I worry about things staying like this forever, will It ever get better. On days like today when I'm really tired it just feels like my whole body is weighted down by a tonne of bricks and a baby is the only thing that will lift those bricks (a very strong baby!). That's why getting a positive result this time round isn't just about getting the baby we so desperately want, is about getting those bricks lifted, its about regaining my life, its about regaining myself, its about regaining our happiness. This baby will never know what it will have done for our life, not only will it be all we want but it will pretty much have saved me, and glued me back together.
I will be ok, a new week is coming up, I start the morning Bruseline shots on Wednesday and as my gardener guy said to me today " are you ok baby", my reply "no", his reply "just having one of those days aye", my reply "yes". He knows, he knows so well what is going on, but as I said a new week is coming up and for the rest of today there is a nice cosy couch for me to lie my weary head on, if not for a hundred years then just for a few hours.
Fairy Tales really can come true, this week a commoner married her prince, and proved to the world that every little girl can get her prince charming, and little old commoner me will get my fairytale and hold our precious baby in my arms, the wicked witch that is infertility will be banished forever and we will all live happily ever after.