Well I'm not one of those stupid miracle's you hear about. You know the one's. Where someone says "I have a friend, who's friend's cousin got miraculously pregnant while on a break to start their next IVF cycle". Well fuck off. Has anyone actually met these so called miraculously pregnant people. No. You hear of them but do they actually exist? doubtful. And if they do I sure as hell don't want to hear about them.
Today is cycle day 30, And I must say its 6.23pm so It's now considered night, so my loving period was a whole 2 days late. Thanks a lot. Was I having hope? sure I was. Of course, I am stupid after all. I curse myself for having hope, what's hope these days, its not worth a dime. As you can tell I'm pretty mad. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone and I don't want anymore hope, what the hell is the point. I may as well just crawl down into my hole, at least down there it's real, there is no stupid hope floating around trying to get me all excited for nothing.
You know just for a second I really let myself believe that I would be able to tell people that I didn't need more IVF, and I even imagined writing a blog about how amazing it was that I got pregnant naturally. How do you stop yourself getting your hopes up? I really cant master that one.
All day my husband was asking me "anything yet" and my reply kept being "no, we are still in the running". Then as I was making dinner I went to the toilet and there it was, the ever familiar spotting. Great! We sat down for dinner and again he asks me "anything"? and my reply was "yeah it's started coming through". oh. Then Que meltdown, I dropped tomato on my skirt and had a fit and pulled it off me in a rage and started crying, then threw a dish cloth across the kitchen and slammed the door behind me as I went into the laundry, of course Gardner guy came after me and said "its ok, don't worry about your skirt, clean it after dinner". But really it was just typical, everything always goes wrong for me, even if it is just a small thing. It will probably leave a stain now, just like the giant stain that is fucking infertility.
So now I will go have a shower and settle down for the night, read my book, watch tv and be in a bad mood. And of course get my self up AGAIN! for goodness sake again! How many time's must I be kicked down.
A little something I came up with to end this very angry post on a slightly better note -
Today there is no miracle,today hope has faded, today the road is long, dark and scary, today was not the today I wanted, but my strength will prevail and unlock my dreams to make a better tomorrow.