Today a baby is born. And obviously not mine. A friend of mine gave birth to a little boy this afternoon. I love her dearly and she is not just a friend to me but far more than that. Her and her husband deserve all the happiness in the world, they truly do and I am happy for them so very much. But.......there is always a but.
This morning I got a text message from her telling me she started labour at about 1am and was heading into hospital soon, I obviously knew this was going to happen any day, any minute but when I heard it, it was just hard. All I kept picturing all day was her and her husband in hospital going through this amazing thing and having the most amazing day ever (sore but amazing). Her husband text me just recently to tell me the news. I don't in any way want this post to sound like I'm not so happy for her, but it's bloody hard. Its bittersweet. This friend of mine, is the type of friend one could only dream of having, throughout her whole pregnancy she was so conscious that this was hard for me and never went on and on about it and never once did she upset me, she has been a brilliant support to me and I'm forever grateful for that.
I had discussed with her that when the baby is born, I will come visit alone. I have 2 other very close friends that will be going to visit, and it would be fantastic to all go and see her together, the way it should be, 4 closest friends sharing in a miracle. But I cant. I explained to her that it's just a bit too hard, and I'm not in a stable enough place to do that yet. She deserves all the glory and deserves all the attention and to get all the "oh he's so cute" "oh wow your amazing" and all the things that are said to a new mother, and I don't want to take any of that away from her. I don't want my other 2 friends to worry about what they say in front of me incase it upsets me, I don't want them to hold back. So that is why I have decided to go and visit her alone. And I guess that will be another post, how I dealt with having a brand new baby in my arms that still wasn't mine.Brace yourself for that one.
So I will brave the children's shops this weekend, and find a gift for the baby, and for mum and for her little 2yr old girl, and better not leave out dad, food always works well there. I will be the best friend I can be for her and put on my brave face when I go to see her, I may cry but I think it will be a mixture of tears of joy to see a new baby brought into this world and tears of sorrow that this very special event reminds me so much of my sorrow.
My advice I guess is if you are ever in a situation like this, don't lose a great friend because you are too sad and scared to join in in their happiness. Take it slow and do what you can to show you care and show your happiness and if they are worth having as a friend they will respect this and just get it.
I would so love to be in her position more than words can ever express. But I'm just not. I will be one day but for now I am an empty shell carrying nothing but my pain and envy. I know that soon will be replaced with a baby, but in the meantime I will try not to let that pain and envy stop me from sharing in her miracle.
A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank balances smaller, homes happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten and the future worth living for.