Monday, March 28, 2011

The A B C's for Infertiles

Every modern infertile woman needs a new alphabet to live by, no more A is for Aeroplane, B is for Banana. Listen up, this is the real alphabet, not the fake one you tell your kids to keep them smiling.

A is for Aunt flo, as they call it, which leads to a strong need for Alcohol

B is for Bitch, which is what you will become, a bitch with a bulging drug induced belly, not to mention the monthly unwanted bleeding
C is for clomiphene, a lovely drug that will come in handy on those cold winter days, as it will surely send your temperature sky rocketing. But the surge in heat wont take your mind of hoping that when your egg meets sperm they are diving into nice even cells

D is for dreams, these will never be forgotten and are what keeps us going.

E is for egg retrieval, the lovely process of having your eggs ripped out of your vagina which is then proceeded with embryo transfer where the start of your baby is delicately placed inside you.What an emotional roller coaster. For an extra treat Endometriosis is thrown in to the mix for fun.
F is for facebook, this becomes your enemy, you do not want to see peoples pregnancy status updates, the fun in your life is gone, but thank god for good friends, without them you surely would be fucked

G is for google, your new best friend, a constant source of information.

H is for hysterscopy a procedure to run dye through your tubes to detect growths/blockages. This can lead to happiness to find the source or your problem or more heartbreak, heartbreak is present far too often, heartbreak is hard.
I is for IUI, IVF, both invasive, hard fertility treatments to go through.

J is for a joke, your life starts to feel like a cruel joke. Where the hell did it all go so wrong.

K is for kids, what you so long for. What all this is for.

L is for laproscopy, a procedure where small incisions are made into the abdomen to check all your womanly bits. Mostly every fertility treatment that fails is like a loss. Losing a battle, loss of a potential baby. Loss of hope.

M is for mood swings, all the drugs you will be taking will make you a moody mad cow.

N is for needles, nausea and more negative results. Great. Just great, what a blast.

O is for ovidrel another drug to trigger ovulation, orgalutron is another drug to stop ovulation. Poor poor ovaries, they don't even know what the hell they are meant to be doing after all this.

P is for puregon, a drug to produce mass amounts of eggs. This will be followed by shoving pessaries up your fanny, all this and you still end up getting your period. stupid penis.

Q is for queue meltdown, 1 2 3...... there is goes. right on queue. meltdown. tears. shit.

R is for red. The colour you never want to see. Blue, fine, green, fine. Red, devil.

S is for sperm, jack your sperm into a cup, get your legs up in stirrups and let me open you up with a giant speculum. Whatever, it's all a waste of time when you eventually just see spotting.

T is for tits that turn into the size of melons. No wonder you get so tired lugging those things around.

U is for for ultrasounds to check how many eggs you have growing in your ovaries. In the end all you can wish is that they end up making a home in your uterus.

V is for vagina, the whole town would have seen your vagina, over and over. Your vagina is out there, open, loud and proud.

W is for wanking, your poor husband or lucky husband depending on how you look at it, will become an expert at wanking. All this hard work is so you will end up with your beautiful baby growing in your womb.

X is for xray vision, oh how we wish we had that to see exactly what is happening inside us.

Y is for yelling, there will be lots of this on your infertility journey. Name calling, harassing. Just remember to follow the yelling with a hug.

Z zzzzzzzz, bugger me I need to sleep. This alphabet is exhausting!

So there you have it, Why don't you go ahead and traumatize your kids or better yet someone elses kids with this new age alphabet. Remember life is not all aeroplanes, banana's and cats. It's more assholes, bitches and cu*#s..........


  1. You've got it all covered except for B-Blogs where the ABC's of infertility are frequently referenced! :]

  2. OMG! This is great...did you write this?! Good work!!!

  3. yes I wrote this. My strange mind wanders!

  4. This is hilarious, thanks for making me laugh today!

  5. Fantastic... love it :)) You're very clever... great to have a good laugh too. Thanks xoxo

  6. Can I put this as my facebook status update?