Sometimes I really think its easier to close my front door and stay firmly behind it. Not opening it to anyone, no answering texts, just basically isolating myself from everyone. Well we all know that is crazy and very unhealthy, but seriously sometimes it's just easier that way. It's hard to see parents with their children, its hard to try and act happy around people when really I'm not, and it takes a lot of effort sometimes to smile and be nice, its hard to listen to other people's problems when sometimes I'm just thinking they are very petty and they need to get a grip. (upon re reading this, my last few words about other people's problems is out of line, I do care about my friend's and family's problems, no matter how small, I was referring to non friends and family, just to clear that up). I have turned into a mad woman.On the outside to other people I must seem completely normal and really together, but in reality I'm really not. From the moment I wake my mind is consumed by baby making, treatment's, dates on a calendar, the cost of it all. Its a lot to cram into one brain!
A prime example of my over madness was today me and Gardner Guy got into a bit of a heated discussion with our neighbour (his tree had blow over our fence and was hanging down, stopping us from parking the car in the driveway, after 2 days of knocking on their door to speak to them, Gardener Guy took matters into his own hands and chopped the over hanging branch), anyhow the neighbour got mad and accused us of going on his property (which we didn't) anyhow to cut the story short, My Gardner guy was pretty calm and sorted it (only one sware word from him), but of course me, well I got all mad. I just have no patience anymore and am generally pissed of with everyone for no reason! So you see I should have just stayed behind the closed door.
When I have been feeling at my worse, for example - when I had my failed IUI's and was crying and unhappy I wouldn't answer the phone when a couple of my friend's rang, I wouldn't let a friend of mine come to see me after my last failed IUI, I always waited till I was better, then spoke and saw them, perhaps I need to allow myself to be miserable around them and know I don't need to put on a brave face all the time. Perhaps I need to open up that door a little more often, even when I want to stay behind it, that may just be the key to helping myself.