Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Worst of the bad bunch

I feel like I'm even coming last in the blogging world. I feel like the worst of a bad bunch, yes probably a bit dramatic but I look over the blogs I follow and quite a few of them have now turned into pregnancy blogs. I always feel like I'm in the worse situation in real life, everyone else can conceive, and quickly, or they have babies and I'm left behind. But now I'm starting to even feel like this in my blogging world. I feel like I'm getting up there with some of the worse case stories. Some people are only on there first ever fertility treatment, and I'm not saying what they are going through isn't hard, but I'm starting to feel like I'm one of the worst cases on here. And that sucks. I am no longer a rookie, more a pro.


So many bloggers have had a positive result, and had a miscarriage, which I know is just terrible, and I feel for them really, but understand how I feel, I haven't even had that joy of getting a positive. Not even once! I just feel pissed off. Is there something else wrong with me that has been missed.


I am now wanting to find some woman very similar to me, so if you read this and are similar please leave a message, or if you are a regular follower and know of another woman's blog who sounds just like mine please also let me know. Firstly I'm not that old, only 29yrs so why is it so hard. Secondly all my endo has been removed so in theory there is nothing wrong with me. My husband's sperm is above average on all aspects. I am doing everything known to man to help my body, we have been trying for 2yrs & 1mth. We have done 3 cycles of IUI's, with clomid. We have done 1 IVF, resulting in an obvious negative and no frozen embryos! So what the hell is happening!!!! 


I've had a funny few days, where do I begin. I wont go on too much, but I've had a few annoying comments and opinions hurled at me over the last few days. Comments and opinions that have put me into a negative state again, so I'm really mad at that. I didn't ask for it, and now I'm left feeling shit. I hope this weeks acupuncture sorts out those feeling's and calms me again.But as I always believe, where there is bad, there is good, I ran into someone yesterday who was just spot on. Her reaction's to our recent fail were just right. She didn't patronise me by telling me 'its ok it will happen soon', infact she actually barely said anything, but that was what was so golden about it, she listened and told me she was thinking of me. She really listened to me properly, as we both sat on  the floor of the public library with kids everywhere, after having attended a kids music session. I don't need to hear facts and figures and people's bullshit, I just need a listening ear and someone who is positive and has faith.


My chance for pregnancy this month has been and gone now, I ovulated, I had sex, I flung my legs in the air, I pretended I was riding a bicycle in mid air, I visualised our baby (a new technique I've fostered, may as well give it a whirl), so now I'm either pregnant, (well getting there, we all know it takes alot, sperm in egg, cells dividing, blastocyst and implantation) or I'm just not. Simple as that.


So yes, nothing too funny to be said at the moment, let me just say where there is a bunch of banana's I'm the rotten one, a bunch of grapes and I'm the soft one, a bunch of idiots, and I'm the fucken leader.  I am the worse stem in a bunch of dying roses. Please help me come back to life. 

15 comments:

  1. A miscarriage takes the joy out of a positive. I used to think that if I knew I could get pregnant it would make me feel better, but that has not been the case. It actually has made me want a baby more than when I started almost 10 years ago.
    One thing I have learned is there is always someone out there that has it worse than me. And reading your story, you may have not been trying as long as I have, but you have been through a lot of treatments (heartaches) in a short amount of time and I can only say that I think you must be strong to be able to handle all of that in just 2 years. It makes me feel way behind, since I haven't even done the first IUI (which I am waiting for a cyst to leave so we can) after almost 10 years of trying. Even though you feel like the worst in a bad bunch, you are an inspiration to me! Continue to be strong.. who knows one day your blog might be the one turning into the pregnancy blog!! (*HUGS*)

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  2. You didn't offend me! I am just glad we have each other to inspire one another with each step we take. No matter if we are a "rookie" or a "pro", we all I have the same goal! Good luck this month!!

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  3. I'm here for you... my journey is a little different but almost as long :( FX'd that you've got a little blastocyst in there :)) Thinking of you along this nightmare of a journey xoxo

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  4. Hey there, I feel the same way and can totally relate. Infertility is such a downer and sucks big time! On the bright side, I'm glad to hear that you are still flinging your legs in the air - you never know. Take care and know you can have some bad days, but come back to life - you're needed. Hugs!

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  5. I'm right there with you! 3 years, 4 IUI's, 6 or more medicated cycles, 8 months of acupuncture, one IVF...not even one BFP!

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  6. Sorry to hear you're having a tough time of things- it is hard to see other people reaching the stage where we all so desperately want to be ourselves. IF is crap no matter what stage you're at, and everyone's journey is vastly different but there are still many of us around to support each other!
    Hang in there chick and I hope you will have your own pregnancy blog soon enough!

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  7. You are not alone. Unfortuantely in reading IF blogs they inevitably get pregnant at some point. On my low days I think that I am sad that in 21/2 years it has never happened to me but on my more positive days I think to myself well it happened to them it might happen to me to...

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  8. 5 and 1/2 years here without a BFP... about to go through our first IVF knowing of course that there are no guarantees. You are not alone!

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  9. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. We have been at this for over 3 1/2 years with a diagnosis of endo (had surgery 1/09) and unexplained. It is terrible 'not knowing' the reason and recently we were told they might have found the reason...my past autoimmune issues and family history has caused an abnormally high natural killer cell population. We are hoping to have found our answer, but doom and negativity remains a haunting fact.
    In 1/10 we had our first (and only) positive and although I prayed to have it, even if it led to a mc, I wish we had not in a way. I loved seeing those two words, 'your pregnant', however to have it stolen from you for 'unknown' reasons SUCKS! It hurts and the if/when we get to hear that again, the joy will be replaced by sheer fear. That's the crappy part...IF and especially a mc ruins the 'fun' of bring pregnant. Since that time we have failed an IUI, fresh IVF and they froze/thawed our 3 remaining embryo's incorrectly and they didn't survive.
    The emotions that come with this journey are hard. Some days are great and I can feel down deep we will have a child, others, it seems the farthest thing from reality.
    We are coming up on our 2nd fresh IVF cycle in May and the closer it gets, the more I want to puke. You are, unfortunately, not alone. Sometimes that helps knowing, other times it doesn't. It doesn't when you see everyone get BFP, whether they have been through more or less than you, it hurts. Hang in there and if you need anything, feel free to email me.

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  10. Still no BFP for us after three Clomids and three IUI/injectables... heading into IVF, starting the Lupron on Friday. Hopefully this will lead us there. It's just so hard with SO MANNNYYY lovely blog ladies succeeding lately. I want to join them! :(

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  11. I'm delurking :)

    I can relate to you on one level and on the other I have no idea what your journey must be like. I've had 13 months. 12 months of pain. A loss at 20.5 weeks plus two additional miscarriages in just barely a year. Staying pregnant is my problem. The joy of that first pregnancy test has been riddled with sorrow. Any future pregnancies are just plain wrecked for me. I've been through those same 4 cycles as you - they are just different in perspective.

    I don't think anyone experiencing the pain of infertility or loss will ever go through 40 weeks of bliss like all our "normal" friends do.

    I think the commonality between us is that when you get right down to the bottom line - we all just want to be mothers. Getting there is different for all of us but we all just want the same thing.

    I'm wishing you that positive test. Hang in there :)

    http://mybrokenoven.blogspot.com

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  12. I know the feeling. I'm at that spot where I'm wondering if the "good old fashioned way" could have by some grace of God, actually worked this month. But now with the stress I'm facing of the fact that Mr. Kismet is gone, indefinitely... I really don't know how to feel. Lost, confused... and alone. But I think of you every day and do read and keep up...

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  13. I'm not sure about similar but we're both 29! I also had endo removed but hubby’s sperm isn't great, has plenty of crap pretty much, so IUI was out for us. We also got a negative on our first IVF attempt. It always felt like we were the ones running behind everyone else. We took a break, reconnected and got healthy, then came back for a second attempt with a FET, it worked for us. My fingers are crossed that you’re as lucky for you second attempt at IVF! Stay strong!

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  14. I am also 29. Not officially trying yet - waiting probably a year because I just got a new job. Sometimes I am totally ok with our projected timeline and other times I want to scream about the injustices of PCOS. I just went through Google Reader and deleted a bunch of infertile-now-preggo blogs because I couldn't take it. I feel like my online peer group has left me, too. Which I know is ridiculous. Good luck this cycle.

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  15. I know how you feel, after 2+ years, multiple rounds of clomid and femara, 6 IUI's and here I am about to start my first IVF. Sometimes it makes me sick thinking about how many people I know IRL and on the blogs have gotten pregnant in that time and I can't get one measly BFP.

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