Saturday, February 19, 2011

Broken Heart

This is not good news. I cannot begin to express how heartbroken I am. Me and my Gardener guy are crushed.

We got up early this morning to go and have my blood test, Then we came home and waited. This was the hardest thing ever, we decided to go for a walk on the Petone beach, but that didn't help, we kind of walked round the house aimlessly waiting for that call. I don't think I will ever forget that call. We were both standing outside in the back courtyard, and the phone rang, I hear the same miserable sounding voice from the nurse that I'm so familiar with, "I'm sorry, It's not good news" and that was it...... I couldn't hear anymore, I handed the phone straight over to my husband and he mumbled a few words to her then the call was over. The worse call of our lives, it was meant to be the best call of our lives.

We went inside and sat on the couch together and cried. The more I cried the more I made my gardener guy cry. He held onto me, and after a few minutes of saying nothing, he started to say all the right things. He started to comfort me, to tell me 'we are strong, we can get through this' 'we have each other' 'your so strong we will be ok' 'we can do another round' ' It will happen for us'. Basically anything he could manage to get out he did. He told me he cant bear to see me upset anymore and he will do whatever it takes to stop the sadness.This is when we discussed other natural treatments to do between now and April, (April is when we will do another IVF cycle). 

My gardener guy rang his parents, all he could manage to say was "it isn't good news, Ill call you later". That was all he could say, the same thing when he rang my parents. I text a few people that were waiting to hear and that was that. all over. hopes destroyed. 

I cried alot, and for a long time, and by no means am I ok as I write this, but I still write this for everyone that wants to know how we are, and cares. I don't feel anything anymore, I don't think I will ever be successful, And I don't think I will ever be the same again, This has made me as tough as stone, I surprise myself how I some how manage to get up and start planning for the future, my determination is something I'm really proud of, and something I never knew I had until infertility.So that's something at least, something ill take away from all this. That has to be good. doesn't it. 

Me and my gardener guy discussed alternative medicine, As our minds never stop thinking of ways to make a baby, even when we are destroyed. I have rung and left a message with a Natural Health Centre, someone I know referred  me to this place as apparently they deal with infertility. So I'll keep you updated when we hear back, I also plan to start acupuncture. We are both the type of people that need to be doing something, I cant lie around for 2 month's doing nothing, I cant waste the 2 months by going out and getting boozed and having lots fun, and making my body more unhealthy, no way, not when I could be doing something to help with the next IVF. Getting our baby will continue to be my number one priority. It's funny how money suddenly becomes so insignificant, we just don't care anymore, we will pay more money for our 2nd IVF in April, and in the meantime we will pay more money for natural medicine. Money doesn't matter at all.

But for tonight, we plan to get some wine and pizza and curl up at home together. Before we have to face reality and get back to work and the same mundane things. 

If you are one of the lucky people that have children, treasure them every single day, they are treasure. They are so special and they should never be taken forgranted. For many of us out there, to get these little treasures is a struggle, We have to dig deep into that treasure chest and hope we get a jewel. The treasure has not being thrown at us, We have had to follow a map, that sometimes leads us down a never ending path, and when we get there, it happens to be the wrong path, so we have to start all over again, right back at the start of the map.We have had to start all over again, we haven't yet got our treasure. We haven't yet struck gold. Will we ever reach the end, I like to think so. There must be a little treasure with our name on it, the question is when will we get it?


  1. I am so very sorry to hear this sad news. I understand first hand the pain of an insuccessful IVF cycle. I hope you and your husband can take some time to heal.
    thinking of you and sendling love your way...

  2. aw sweety!! I am so sorry! I am crying all over my laptop!! I know this must be so devastating! I do not want to say any of the wrong things..but I hope this does not offend you have given me so much strength from your blog!! You are such a strong person and you are so lucky to have a great husband. Do not give up! One day you will have that miracle baby!! I am here for you:(

  3. So sorry to hear your sad news.... you will find your treasure. Your determination will get you there and your love will shine through. Thinking of you with all my heart xoxo

  4. I'm your newest follower. I read this post and it was all the emotions from our first IVF cycle. (unsuccessful). We're now on #2 with OHSS complications last month...and I just want you to know that you're in my thoughts.

    I admire your resilence!

  5. I just wrote a very extensive response and my connection lost and I lost my comment..!

    Oh luv Ive been thinking of you. Im so sorry. Just very sorry you have to put up with this absolute fcked up situation. Take time out and scream in the shower. Have a wine and close your eyes on today. Tomorrow the sun will come up and you will put on your fighting suit and look to the future. Mourn for today, but prepare for your future.

    You have just taken the shitiest road to the labour ward, and the pot holes will smooth out and the dirt road will end, and you will hit the highway to motherhood. I just know you will. You have to. You fight too hard not to.

    I believe in you xo

  6. I am so very sorry. You are strong, you are determined and you are not alone. Thinking of you and sending loads of love. ((( hugs )))

  7. I am so very sorry. I will be thinking and praying for you!

  8. :( i'm really, truly sorry. you're always in my prayers. ♥

  9. I'm so sorry to hear that you got bad news. I'm keeping you in my thoughts

  10. I am so, so sorry for the bad news. Getting that call is the worst thing in the world. You're in my prayers today. Hugs to you.
    -Kristen from

  11. My first thought this morning was of you. I went to bed last night thinking "my friend Clewis finds out tomorrow that she is pregnant....I can't wait to hear of her good news."
    Honey- words can't express how terribly sorry I am...I know how bad you wanted this, and I know how much you deserve this. You are RESILIENT, and will keep fighting to have that baby, and you WILL have that baby!!! Lean on your sweet husband and know that you will get through this and that you will have success. We are all supporting you 100 million percent!!

  12. So so sorry to read this. Thinking of you.

  13. Oh love, I'm really so very sorry.
    Take some time out to grieve with your darling husband,it's unfair and it hurts bad.
    You absolutely will be successful in this hun,and the natural therapies are great especially acupuncture-both on it's own and definitely to complement IVF. It always feels good to have a plan to turn to and April will be here before you know it.
    Biggest hugs and thinking of you xxx

  14. Hi there,

    I was so thinking of you yesterday, I am so sorry, truely I cry with you and are so amazed at you to stand up even when you are so broken. I will pray with you, it will happen!!

    I was yesterday at a baby shower after being told that I am just not fertile, I was destroyed but still attended the party. Half the woman there were pregnant, one with twins. I went to the bathroom and just cried my hart out as they just do not know how lucky they are!!

    They did a prayer for Lisa, everybody was praying for silly stuff in my eyes, having a good patient with Lisa in the room and stuff like that and I wanted to scream at them to pray for me, to be more fertile, to pray for my friend "clewis" that I do not even know but you needed those prayers more.

    I prayered for you, proberly for the first time in a very long time I prayed for someone else. I believe this will come to you, I do not know you but I know you want it and will be one of the best moms ever not only because of this road you and the garderner guy has walked also because you are such a beautiful person!!!

    I will come, I will ask all the godly people I met yesterday and know to pray for you.

    Good luck and dont stop believing!!

    You are such an example for us woman struggling so much.

    Good luck

  15. This made me cry. You are In my thoughts and prayers.xxxx Megan

  16. I'm so very sorry this cycle didn't work - we all had such hope!

  17. Hi,
    I have not read your blog extensively but have you tried..
    Omega 3 fish oil and blackmores womens multi vitamins?
    Sorry to hear about your heartache..I know that when the old biological clock starts ticking it doesnot go off till you succeed.
    Well, fingers crossed for April.