Today is hard, every day is hard at the moment. Both me and my husband are really struggling with this wait. Only 3 more sleeps and we find out the biggest news ever. Getting up in the morning is hard, I just want to sleep the day's away. I have no idea if I'm pregnant or not, I have no clues, I give up trying to guess. I feel really mad at other people for not getting what it feels like, I'm mad at people who have children. When I start to feel like this, (and I have been here before), this is when I want to take my Gardener Guy by the hand and run away with him. I cant deal with everyday life.
Here are some thing's I'm really sick and tired of.........
I'm sick and tired of people telling me "it will happen soon", of people saying "your not alone", people saying "if it doesn't happen this time, take the time to relax and enjoy life again" - Well fuck you, It may not happen soon, you have no damn idea, I do feel alone, even though I'm not, and you try enjoying life when all you want is a baby, nothing else matters, nothing else is fun and nothing else will make it better. It's not going to go away just because I go out shopping and buy a fancy dress. That will not make me happy.
I'm sick and tired of feeling like everyone else gets it easy, when you decide you want to have a baby, you do. I'm sick and tired of going into that damn clinic, week after week, and all the staff actually knowing who we are, no need to check their file, they have been in here heaps, we know who they are. I'm sick and tired of not remembering who I really am, what I actually used to be like before all this, how I felt before all this. I have forgotten. I'm sick and tired of trying to stay positive, why do I have to do that, it's not fair, it's not easy.
I'm sick and tired of a sunny day not being sunny, a happy event not being happy, someone else's amazing news not being amazing, a smile I give you not being real and saying I'm ok when I'm not.
I'm sick and tired of having baby clothes that aren't being worn.
I'm mostly sick and tired of the fact that this horrible infertility has stripped me bare, has ripped my heart apart and left it dangling in pieces, every day it slowly gets weaker and weaker, And the sad thing is the only thing that can repair it is the one thing I cant seem to get.
ps: I'm not sick and tired of all the kind words from bloggers, family and friends. I'm not sick of all the love and support, so never stop giving me that. that is something I can never get enough of.