Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Im Sick and tired of.........

Today is hard, every day is hard at the moment. Both me and my husband are really struggling with this wait. Only 3 more sleeps and we find out the biggest news ever. Getting up in the morning is hard, I just want to sleep the day's away. I have no idea if I'm pregnant or not, I have no clues, I give up trying to guess. I feel really mad at other people for not getting what it feels like, I'm mad at people who have children. When I start to feel like this, (and  I have been here before), this is when I want to take my Gardener Guy by the hand and run away with him. I cant deal with everyday life.

Here are some thing's I'm really sick and tired of.........

I'm sick and tired of people telling me "it will happen soon", of people saying "your not alone", people saying "if it doesn't happen this time, take the time to relax and enjoy life again" - Well fuck you, It may not happen soon, you have no damn idea, I do feel alone, even though I'm not, and you try enjoying life when all you want is a baby, nothing else matters, nothing else is fun and nothing else will make it better. It's not going to go away just because I go out shopping and buy a fancy dress. That will not make me happy.

I'm sick and tired of feeling like everyone else gets it easy, when you decide you want to have a baby, you do. I'm sick and tired of going into that damn clinic, week after week, and all the staff actually knowing who we are, no need to check their file, they have been in here heaps, we know who they are. I'm sick and tired of not remembering who I really am, what I actually used to be like before all this, how I felt before all this. I have forgotten. I'm sick and tired of trying to stay positive, why do I have to do that, it's not fair, it's not easy. 

I'm sick and tired of a sunny day not being sunny, a happy event not being happy, someone else's amazing news not being amazing, a smile I give you not being real and saying I'm ok when I'm not. 

I'm sick and tired of having baby clothes that aren't being worn. 
I'm mostly sick and tired of the fact that this horrible infertility has stripped me bare, has ripped my heart apart and left it dangling in pieces, every day it slowly gets weaker and weaker, And the sad thing is the only thing that can repair it is the one thing I cant seem to get.

ps: I'm not sick and tired of all the kind words from bloggers, family and friends. I'm not sick of all the love and support, so never stop giving me that. that is something I can never get enough of.


  1. Thanks for such an honest post. I;m sorry you are hurting so much. I get my beta results tomorrow and am feeling so much of what you are feeling...I don't even want to talk to people anymore because no one seems to know the right thing to say...I don't even know what I want to hear...
    Hang in there and fingers crossed for a BFP for you in a few days.
    -Kristen from

  2. I am sorry you are having a rough day:( this really does suck! I agree with so many of your points. I am sure others cam relate too. I am remineded of a memory when I went to hawaii with my family. My brother is a realky selfish guy and as his adorable ivf 9 month baby was crying from pain because she was teething.. He looked at me and said.."you don't want one of these!" That really hurt. People say stupid things. And most people will never have to deal what we are going through. I feel obligated to say..."we are going to be much strounger". But in reality... This is really hard.. And painful. All you can do is just hang on and hope the ride ends soon..:(

  3. I get this - completely. The last few days are the WORST! Be sick and tired of all this - we all are... And it's ok...

    I have everything crossed for you!!!

  4. Oh love I'm sorry you're having a rough day, everything you have said is very honest and true-we all feel it. I won't tell you to be positive and blah blah because sometimes you almost need to have a day like this to let it all out and cry it all out. I will say that tomorrow is a new day though, so I hope you wake up one step closer and feeling a little better. take care of yourself today and have some treats okay! (((HUGS)))

  5. I have nothing supportive to say except "I'm tired of this shit too."

  6. The last days are the hardest. I am
    sick of all the bullshit too. Thinking of you & hoping for the best.

  7. I totally understand how you are feeling. I feel like this every day. I wish for things to get better so that I can concentrate on life and maybe enjoy it but all I want is to be a mom and until that happens I do not think that I will be whole.

    Just remember that you are here with all of us and we understand your pain. There are so many of us that are feeling the same way, but you had the courage and the words to put in out there for us to read and acknowledge. Good for you!!

    I wish you so much luck and you are so in my prayers that you will get the BFP.

  8. Wow an amazing post..
    I so totally relate to how u are feeling... as the years have gone by with me trying to have a baby.. my old self doesnt really exsist anymore I actually dont know what I use to be like... My friends are always asking where is the Old Leishy... My reply "Lost"...

    Fingers crossed for ur BFP...

  9. oh honey I totally GET this post. Generally those that say relax and enjoy life are the ones that can pop out five children in four years. You are nearing the end of the game and you have been doing so damn well. stay strong you are nearly there. right now I am chanting B . F . P!

  10. It's about this rock climber who decided to start doing humanitarian work in Pakistan and that is as far as I've got so far. Apparently he has been/is very successful and influenced that part of Pakistan greatly. I'll let you know when I get further into it.

  11. i sincerely hope and pray that everything gets better. :( ♥

  12. Thinking of you... none of this journey is logical and it's a bloody nightmare :( You have every right to feel sick of it... I've forgotten the pre-me too. You are still the same amazing person underneath though and your determination and devotion to having your family is a sign of how deeply you love. Hope the next few days pan out OK... lots of hugs and thoughts going your way xoxo

  13. You are so in my thoughts today. I am generally a lurker and don't say much, but I check your blog every day (sometimes more than once) for updates. I can relate so much. I'm dealing with IVF as well, and people will never understand this pain unless you experience it. You've managed to get farther than I have... I can't afford IVF right now, so still trying the old fashioned way (for 13 mos now) with no results. I'm about to turn 31,and have never seen that 2nd line at all... and it's heartbreaking when everyone around you is pregnant. My niece just delivered a baby girl in Nov. and never did I think she would have a child before I did.

    This cycle, I was nearly 2 weeks late. This morning, as my hopes were seriously high that all my "symptoms" weren't just in my head, the ugly af witch reared her nasty head... I'm a bit shattered at the moment but I just keep telling myself that it just wasn't time. That isn't going to get me much further though, as I think I'm losing my sanity entirely.

    Hang in there sweetheart... you have so many people behind you. And anytime you want to talk, I'm always here. I'd love it if we were friends.

    (((((((((( HUGS from Memphis, Tennessee ))))))))))))


  14. wow I'm not sure why it didnt use my id but this time, I have. :)

  15. Wow its sad to here this but telling the truth we are in the same boart I' married for 8 full years all i here from other people is to stay positive.But this thing is killing me realy.Were is god?