Friday, February 4, 2011

Late night blogging

I'm sitting up at 10.46pm, when I should be in bed. I cant sleep, my mind is awake. I decided what better way to put it to sleep then to write. My husband has gone to bed and I'm sitting alone in the quiet lounge,and I'm not so much worrying about tomorrow, just thinking.

I feel a bit teary and weird tonight, and I don't want to start sounding like a mental case who blows things out of proportion, but this is big. This is really big for us. I'm fucking scared! Yes i swore, but really doesn't all this ivf carry on deserve at least one fuck. I'm not scared about the procedure tomorrow (only a little nervous), I'm worried about myself, I'm worried about my husband. I don't want to feel unhappy anymore. Maybe it's just these bloody drugs making me all weepy and silly, but for god sake! I worked out I've had drugs in my system for almost 5months straight! One's bound to lose the plot from time to time. I may regret writing all this rubbish and letting the whole world see it, but I cant sleep and who really care's anymore. 

I have thought and talked about babies and trying to get pregnant every day for almost 2 years, I haven't let up, not even for a day, I have dragged my husband into this depressing, difficult, sad existence, yet he wouldn't have it any other way. Tonight he held my hand as we sat on the couch and he said to me "I'm nervous about tomorrow, all the drugs, everything we have done, is all for this". When he was given some money as a gift recently, he couldn't work out what to spend it on, he told me all he wants is a baby. He is such a good man. He hasn't really read my blog yet, he keeps saying he will, and I don't know if he is just too frightened of what he might read, but when he does read it and he gets to this post, he should know how great he is. Even if I act like he drives me mental and I want to throw garden tools at his head, He is great. 

At the risk of getting to deep and freaking anyone out, I really want to say how lucky I am, sometimes In life it's so easy to forget that people are on your side, even people you least expect, and when you realise how many kind, loving people you have in your life, it really makes a big difference.

Right, I'm taking my weirdo ass off to bed before I sink all my 38 followers into depression and lose you all. Night Night. 


  1. hang in there. IVF is a lot to take (physically, emotionally, and fincancially--the perfect storm of stress). Nobody gets through it without a freak out and a sleepless night. Wishing you the very best of luck with the retrieval. Keep us posted. Sending lots of positive vibes your way!!!!

  2. IVF is so hard - please don't beat yourself up for having a bad night, we all have had them. And we're all here for you as you go through this process. Hugs...

  3. You haven't lost me ( and I doubt any of the others )... we're all in this together :) IVF is a nightmare... and I'm only new to it. You're completely entitled to rough patches and all your determination over these years will all pay-off in the end... and the little one you have will be so lucky b/c you're so dedicated to being a mum :)) Good luck today xo

  4. You are speaking your truth... And it is a gift! It is!!!
    Your husband is very lucky to have you and you are lucky to have him!!
    He sounds pretty great!! Your body has been through so much!!! From a person who has been here for a short period reading your story.. I find you completely brave, strong, and clear!! Your story is helping me and so many others. Really!! You have really inspired me ... I am not as scared go into the ivf process next month because of you... And no matter how hard it gets for you.. You seem to gain strength from friends, family, your gardner, and yourself:) good luck today!:)