Friday, February 11, 2011

Drowning in tears

 The tears have been flowing again. I feel like I have so much to get out in this post, so bear with me. The Embryologist rang me this morning with the terrible news that neither of the remaining 2 embryos reached the blastocyst stage to freeze. They will be destroyed today and that is that. Gone. We now have the remaining one they transferred into my uterus and that's fucking it! The dream of having a baby is once again slipping further and further away and hope is now fading into the background AGAIN....... How can I be getting more bad news again. What the fuck is going on, I'm younger than people that get frozens, what the hell is wrong. 

I'm beyond upset, when i got off the phone with the embryologist I cried, I rang my Gardener Guy and cried. He is mad as he thinks the clinic give you hope and then you end up with nothing, I understand where he is coming from but I try to remind him, what else are they meant to do, they have to stay positive for their patients. So much for avoiding stress and upset, I'm trying so so hard to keep it together and keep my body relaxed for the sake of the remaining embryo, but I tell you that's damn hard.


After deciding to have a baby almost 2 years to the day, we were so excited and full of hope, we had just got married and what could have been better than to decide to start a family, from that extreme high, to feeling low that it wasn't happening,When we seeked help and I had surgery to remove endometriosis stage 3, we were then all hopeful again, we thought we had got rid of the problem and it would work in no time,after 6 month of no luck we were then back to being low, how could it still not be working? We then had another high when we started our first round of Artificial Insemination (IUI), we felt great, we were doing something extra to help us and we never though then that IVF would come into the picture, Que another low, first IUI failed, but we kept going, we could afford to do the recommended following 2 rounds, We still had hope. When the second failed we were left low again, a little more low this time, we were worried we only had one round left, then that was the end for us, so we put all out heart and soul into the last round. Another terrible low, and for me probably the worse so far, a failed IUI result on Xmas eve. After this low, I cant really say there was a high for quite some time, we went away on holiday and tired to work out what to do next. But where there is a low there is a high, and it came when we organised to start our first cycle of IVF, I think this was a big high for both me and my husband, we were so excited, IVF was the big time, it was great to start, and that brings us to today, the low again, no embryos survived to be frozen. We are left with the one inside me and that's it. We have no more money, we cant qualify for funding until August 2012 so this would be it. Would we do another round? well I like to think somehow if this fails we can sort something out but that's too much to bare thinking about. I really hope we get another high, and aren't left on this low.

I feel better having got all this out, so now i need to get it together and get positive for our remaining embryo, this is not over yet, and we need to keep reminding ourselves of that, but I feel my strength and courage fading and I don't like it, I'm starting to feel weak. I take my hat off to everyone else that has been through as many lows as me, this is a damn hard thing, the hardest thing I've done in my life, its not for the faint hearted, you have to be strong, and battle like hell to carry on. You have to face the sadness every day and you are always looking for that ray of hope, that's what keeps me going, I always try to find that teeny tiny ray of hope, and that's what I must do now.


Please please let us get that high again, we so need it. If this remaining embryo survives, it will surely be a miracle baby if ever there was one.

15 comments:

  1. I am so sorry! Crap!! I so appreciate you sharing your story. I look forward to reading your posts everyday. I get so much out of your blog Clewis. You give me strength. :( I wish your doctors didn't tell you about the embryos until after the 2ww. That is not good to give you something else to worry about. Okay...all I can say from reading other's blogs and other friends and family who have gone through ivf is you need to keep positive!! okay..have a good cry..but then do everything you can to think of positive happy things. Meditate..yoga..something. It is crucial Clewis! I am going to post happy things on my blog..that is it. gotta go!!!

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  2. I am so sorry for this news. I have never had anything make it to freeze from an ivf cycle, so I know how disappointing that can be. At this point, I do not even let myself imagine doing a FET (except in my new crazy protocol during which I do not even do a fresh transfer, only FET). My RE says that frozen embryos are only possible in 20-30% of the cases so that this is not so uncommon, even though it tends to not seem like this when you look around yourself.
    hang in there, wishing you and your one embryo much love and luck....

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  3. I can't imagine how you must feel right now :( but you need to have strength and stay positive for that embryo you have in your tummy. Wish you the best!! xoxo

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  4. Oh I'm so sorry to hear that, and I know you must be devastated. I know it's hard but just hang in there and stay positive for your little one on board. A question was recently asked on a forum I visit, how many people had success with just one 8 cell embryo, there were heaps of women who came forward with success stories from that one embie, and for a lot of them it was their only hope as well as many didn't get any to freeze. So there is definitely still hope, and it does happen. I will keep fingers crossed for you and send lots of good vibes your way!xo

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  5. Sorry to hear about you not having any embryos to freeze. I was 22 when I first started IVF and only got a handful of eggs, most fertilized, but had nothing left to freeze. People think it is easy if you are young, but that is not true!

    Please stay positive for the embryo that is inside of you. Sometimes it seems like it will never happen, but it will. This is not coming from someone who got pregnant on the first try, but from someone who went through 6 total cycles, 3 miscarriages, before having my miracle baby. I believe he is just that, a mirale. I will be praying for your cycle to turn out positive!

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  6. hey clewis-it's www.everybody.co.nz, go to the infertility thread, and then the IVF#1 topic, it's maybe 2-3 pages back from today that there are some posts from some of the members about their 8 cell embies. You can also do a search back through the forum on older topics/posts as I'm sure the subject has come up before. It's a great place for support you should join up!My name is janeygiraffe on there :)

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  7. Oh sweetheart... Im soo sorry. Lets all muster up all the good vibes and raw honest emotions and power and send them to Clewis.. Stick bubba stick... dig bubba dig... sending you massive virtual hugs. We are all here for you xo

    Let the little emby know you are there for it and have faith in its strength, and show its mummy and daddy how strong it is..xo

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  8. Lots and lots and lots and lots of love to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooooooooo

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  9. I am so sorry, I didn't have any frosties from ivf 1 either, not that it makes u feel better but I guess what I am saying is you're not alone. The 2ww during ivf is hell. Try to let it go, at this point it is beyond your control. Try to stay positive for that little one inside you. I am wishing and hoping for you. Loads of love!!

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  10. I gave you an award on my blog. when you are feeling better check it out.

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  11. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this Clewis! Grrrrrrr........
    I know you've already heard this 100 times...but you have one "perfect" 8 cell embryo growing inside you...just concentrate on that. Stay positive...you have reason to believe that this embryo will make it and will be a beautiful baby in your arms in 9 months!

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  12. I'm so sorry :( I know we will all put all our blogorific energy into trying to get that 1 in your uterus to stick!!!! <3

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  13. Hi, I am truely so sorry to hear about your low. I know there are no words that can make your feel better!! But know there are so many woman today thinking of you and praying for you and your embie!!

    Have a good restfull weekend!

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  14. So sorry... what a disappointment :( But I have also heard amazing stories of miracle babies from one embryo :) Must be hard to stay positive but we're all thinking of you and sending you lots of good vibes for your little one xoxo

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  15. I am so sorry, that is really rough news. You are right - this is not for the faint-in-heart - and you do not fit into that category. You are strong! Keep hoping.
    I hope and pray that you will get this miracle.

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